


The Pleasures of Ordinary Men

by Sonny



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Movie Prompt, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-26
Updated: 2011-05-26
Packaged: 2017-10-19 19:44:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 64,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonny/pseuds/Sonny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared hates losing. After the difficult break-up of his on-n-off again relationship with his Ex, he can't see how he will be able to move on. His Ex is dating a new guy, Jensen Ackles, who is Jared's complete opposite in every way. He will do everything in his power to be Jensen's best-est friend (an almost-brother), getting close enough to him to become his only confident. But when Jensen shows more interest in Jared's friendship, what's Jared to do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For spn_cinema challenge – based off/inspired by the Argentinian film, Plan B -- My first attempt at a long J2 A/U fan-fic ; After watching this film, I was unable to not think that the premise/plot idea would make a great J2 fan-fic ; The only problem was figuring how to tell an American version that would be just as sweetly romantic and easily believable that two straight men would fall in love ; My fic holds no direct repetition of the film, I simply used the plot as a guide ; There are some small plot/story devices I took from the film that I utilized because they're what made the film as charming as it had been and still is.

 

 **Chapter One**

“... a box of puppies?...” Jared looked down at the To-Do list in his grip that he had taken away from his friend's hand. “Seriously, dude? Are you sure you wanna be hangin' out with some Ritchie Rich douche who makes a list to remind you to _buy_ a _box of puppies_?”

Milo chuckled deeply, wiping his hands down the sides of his hips, along his well-worn jeans. “It's better than last week's list.” He hooked his thumbs at the back pockets.

The frown lines on Jared's brow deepened as he pondered what other interesting tasks had been set upon Milo. “How long, man?” He folded the paper and tucked it back into the inner folds of Milo's leather jacket. “How much longer you gotta do this 'job' for Murray?”

Milo leaned against the bodywork of the car, his eyes trained on the reflection in the glass of the store-front they were waiting in front of. His mind wandered both into the past and toward a future he wasn't quite ready to fathom. “Uh, I don't know. I go in for my next doctor's appointment in a week, so—” He shrugged, his brain beginning to swirl around with confusion. He had to stop thinking so hard or he would bring on another migraine he wouldn't be able to get rid of. “—I don't mind. If it stops me from doing community service for my trespassing, keeping me upright and mobile so I'm still gettin' exercise, I'll do this stuff 'til Murray's kid tells me to fuck off.”

“You call him 'kid' like he's fourteen.” Jared shoved his fists into his coat pockets. “He's our age, dude. It's not like you can talk him into behaving or letting you go sooner than was arranged.”

Milo shook his head, smiling broadly. “What's with you?” He scratched on the side of his nose, squinting up at Jared with a tilt to his head. “You look like you're boiling with inner rage, trying to drown us together.”

Jared had to laugh (or else he would cry) as he took his hands out to cross arms over his chest. He pushed off the car and started to pace on the sidewalk in front of Milo. “ ** _She_** called me last night.”

“Who?” Milo knew but it was nice to play along because Jared liked talking shit about his ex-girlfriend and getting himself all riled up with emotions and feelings. It wasn't like Jared had anyone else here in town to help cope with real life and its foibles. Those brown eyes shot daggers at him, to which Milo just smirked and winked. “What'd ** _she_** do _this time_?”

“Bullshit with her parents, with school and her professors—I'm guessing. I don't know why she called me since she was the one to tell me _not_ to call her. I think it defeats the purpose of wanting distance if she can't—you know—deal with the boundaries _she_ set herself.”

“You're her anchor, man. You two came out here together. I would think—”

“Are you _actually_ trying to defend her to me?”

“Uh... well, I'm simply trying to tell you why she may have called you by accident. If she hasn't taken the time to remove you from her phone, there's a good chance it was a mis-step. She could've hit your number—not thinking—and there you were.” Milo averted his head, catching sight of a few new faces turning the corner of the block. “Or maybe she knew you were the only one who understood her and her problems. I mean, shit...” He shoved off the car and stood alongside Jared as he watched the store manager approach. “... that was, and still is, a pretty intense connection you two have.”

“But it's not good. It's toxic.” Jared lolled his head from one shoulder to the other. “Or so says my sister.”

“And there you go... case closed. Don't let it sway you, bro. Don't let her win or suck you back in.” Milo plastered the charming grin he typically saved for owners of businesses he frequented under the guise of Chad M. Murray's say-so. “ _Hi, I'm Milo Ventimiglia..._ ” He held out his hand to take. “ _... I had called earlier about buying some different breeds of young dogs..._ ”

Jared shook his head, caught between absurdity and inner rage. He puffed out his laughter, remaining outdoors as he watched Milo follow the owner of the pet shop through the front door. Milo held the door for Jared, but he refused and waved Milo to continue without him; he would possibly join him shortly. He went to sit a little fully on the hood of the car, liking the warmth on his ass compared to the chilled air of outside. He was in the shade of the building in downtown, so he thought about taking a short walk to where he could find a patch of sunlight to warm him.

Jared brought out his phone and noticed that he had been receiving a few messages on his cell that hadn't alerted him. Shit. He must've sat on the phone again and hit a button to change the preferences. He ignored the ones from any of his family and some from random numbers unknown, only paying close attention to see if her name popped up. Because ** _he_** hadn't deleted ** _her_** from his contact list. Turned out she _had_ called, leaving him a text and a voice message combo; she never quite remembered everything when not speaking to the person she needed, then would suddenly remember one little part she had left out.

“ **... yeah, hey... it's me... I know I, uh... well, I know we parted ways on an odd note the other night, but I-I-I really wanted to call you to apologize and ask you out for coffee. Not that anything is meant by coffee as I'm just needing to see you face-to-face to apologize. I've been a b-i-t-c-h and I know this can't be easy. We've got the same friends and circle around the same places—this town is small enough to keep forcing us to see one another. I realized I made a tough decision that's not simple to follow and I should've reiterated this whole mess when I called you last time. Instead... I made it about us again and how—well, yeah... see, now I'm making** ** _this_** **call about the** ** _other_** **one and it just gets way-too confusing. So, look... Jared, I wanna meet for lunch, say... about twelve-thirty or one? Does that sound good for you? If not, you know, call me back and we can... or don't call me at all and I'll understand too. Either way, we'll talk soon—I hope.** ”

The hang-up was quick and painless. Having to hear Sophia stumble through her words and putting them together had been cringe-worthy. Jared couldn't help the tiny grin seeping out over his features. It was a bit of a two-fold response; one for the awkwardness she felt and one for the way she nearly begged to be taken back—which was typical of her. Not that he was gloating, but he knew that if they had shared words anytime lately, even after their “official” breaking up, that she would try to worm her way back into his life. Maybe not to the old way they used to be with one another.

Jared could definitely use his crafty skills of persuasion to eventually cause her to give in, letting him come up to her apartment and stay the night. That was why she wanted the supposed “distance” she thought they could have, which was impossible in a tiny part of town with less population than his own graduating class in high school, back in San Antonio. He was about ready to pocket his cell when he recalled that he had also been given a text, which was possibly something more Sophia had to tell him. The only thing the text message added was, “ **Would you mind meeting us at Ba-chi's?** ”.

Jared's attitude shifted from somewhat pleased to complete bewilderment. Who was the “we” in that question? He wasn't sure how meeting her in one of their favorite eating haunts with one of her girlfriends was going to improve their relationship. She could barely gather a sentence of confrontation in front of him, so how exactly was she prepared to eat crow in front of another person? He hated half of her friends anyway and the feeling was mutual.

Jared put his cell away, after sending Sophia a curt text in reply of acceptance. He figured the less he said the more she would feel awful and vulnerable. Right exactly where he wanted her to be.

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

Jared had finally stopped pacing the floor only a half-hour after they arrived at the Murray residence, which was a colossal estate at the south end of town. He needed to be uptown in the next two hours to make it to Ba-chi's—curiosity was getting the best of him. Now he was seated on the low windowsill, gazing out at the skyline of Roseville Heights, located seven miles outside of Pasadena, California.

He took one last glance at his cell and threw it in front of him on the cushioned bench. He had been intentionally ignoring Milo, who was happily sitting on the floor surrounded by five ecstatic puppies. What had pissed Jared off was that in-between this “playtime” was actual tedious work for Mr. Murray, Chad Michael to be exact. He hadn't even woken up for the day by this time, at least not until noon-ish.

Jared knew exactly how Chad would saunter into the wide open space of kitchen/living room/small eating area. That's why when he saw the bright blue-eyed, bushy-tailed—and dressed—Chad Michael, Jared took a bit more interest in the moment. Not that he found Chad all that attractive, there was something quite breathtaking about a man of confidence and purpose, who didn't give a shit.

Chad wasn't even bothering to acknowledge the tiny dogs hanging off of his employee on the floor. “Didja git the poster-board and markers?”

“Yup...” Milo giggled lightly as he lifted one of the pups off his body to cup the underbelly in his left palm. He climbed off the marble flooring and walked toward the kitchen counter he had arranged specific items on. The fingers of his right hand pet along the spine over the soft fur, holding the small body to his chest.

Jared thought it was peculiar the way Chad tried to keep his distance from Milo—probably because of the dog. As if it had airborne “cooties”.

“Didja git the breeds I told you to?”

“Uh, yeah... but only one isn't a full purebred.” Milo held up the one in his grip. “I hope that's not gonna—”

“What exactly are you using these animals for?” Still seated, Jared spun away from the view out the window to look over at Chad, who had been stunned to learn there was a third person in the room he hadn't seen.

Chad wasn't upset. In fact, he released a quick smile that he managed to cover with a wayward hand, biting at the manicured thumbnail. “Chicks.”

“Excuse me?” Jared was utterly floored by the response, coming at him with such frivolity like it was a typical answer.

“How else am I gonna get a butt-load of women to come to my party?” Chad held out his arms, shrugging away his discontent in being so out-of-touch with the social scene around town. “It's not like high school where I can tell it to one person, then they tell their friends who tell other friends and start a chain reaction all week that rattles the campus halls.” He tucked one hand away in his front pocket, the other scratching through his shorn blond spikes. “I need them here by tomorrow night.”

“Why?”

“Why _not_?”

“I suppose you have good intentions with these women.”

“I do, but... that's not your problem, Jared Tristan.” Chad had begun to tease Jared by saying his first and middle name since Jared had taken to calling him “Chad Michael” at times to annoy him—as if the distinction needed to be reiterated constantly. He looked down at the bare poster-board, attempting to think of what to write. “Not that it's any of your business, but I have to entertain my cousins—twins. One boy, one girl. I learned how severely lacking in decent women my Blackberry is.”

“So, your whole scheme is to get a certain _type_ of woman, thereby luring her in with various breeds of puppies?”

Chad glanced up, cocking his head to the side. “You got a better plan?”

Jared had to laugh, which caused Milo to release a snorted snicker as he set the runt of the litter down on the island counter and moved to the fridge to begin dragging out food items. “One or two eggs?” He called out into the air not bothering to turn around.

“Two.” Chad spoke curtly as if this was a normal daily routine for them.

“Toast?”

“English muffin.”

“It's sausage, so, uh... links or patties?”

“... patties...”

“There's coffee. Just finished brewing a fresh pot. What kind of juice do you want?'

“Cranberry. Hold off on the coffee 'til the end.” Chad switched to take a stool, getting out of Milo's way. He pulled the poster-board over with the Sharpie markers. As he settled on the cushion, he stared down at his dark marbled flooring as the array of puppies tried to keep their collective balances and walk around to explore the sparse living space. Only one had been energetic and curious enough to reach the thick area rug of the living room.

Jared bent down to pick up the tea-cup terrier and held him much like a football. He could swear when he snuck a look toward Chad there had been a ghost of a childlike smile as he watched the young dogs at play. Jared figured it was a trick of bright daylight as Chad didn't have a decent, humane bone in his body. “I'm curious...” He situated his bottom to lean on the back cushion of the couch. “... what are your eventual plans once you have the women you want?”

“Uh...” Chad made a soft “duh” sound as if the answer was obvious.

“Well, yeah... of course I know ** _that_**.” Jared snickered when he heard Milo's distant chuckle. “What I'm attempting to ask is—what I wanna know is... what you do with the _puppies_ after you're done netting the chicks?”

“Didja suddenly acquire your own place to live, Jared Tristan?”

“I'm not—no, I haven't. You bought them; they're yours now.” Jared glanced around the huge house. “Something tells me Daddy Dearest, and your rental agent, may have a few choice words concerning your new pets.” He liked bigger dogs, not these fro-frooey miniature ones. The little guy was slightly larger than his hand; he probably wouldn't grow much larger. Jared leaned backward a bit to let the puppy climb up his arm and shirt.

“I have no idea. That's a question you need to ask Milo.”

And once Chad mentioned Milo's name, he spoke up. “I donate them, in the Murray name, finding them good homes. It's all legit, man. No squirrelly business.”

“See, it works for me, in the long run.” Chad shrugged his nonchalance, keeping his attention on his other task instead of appeasing Jared's curiosity. But he kept answering anyway despite not caring, like he was pleased with his own voice filling the silence. “I get my Pops off my ass to continue my relationship with charities and I get to play the popular Host at my own party with beautiful, God-fearing women.”

Jared couldn't help it; he was curious to what Chad was starting to sketch in pencil on the poster-board. Along the way, he put the puppies back in their makeshift playpen—a large wine bottle crate he and Milo had found in the backyard near the garbage dumpster. Jared went to snag the pup Milo had left on the counter, shocked that the animal had remained where he had been placed, staring ahead with a dead-pan glare. As Jared picked up the puppy the same way Milo had, he snuck a peek over Chad's shoulder. What stunned him was the neatness and hidden talent of free-form stenciling. The words actually appeared legible.

Milo had been left to his own tasks, moving quite hurriedly, yet fluidly, around the kitchen as he prepared Chad's breakfast. It was a typical chore for him, nothing out of the ordinary. Neither Jared nor Chad noticed the subtle nuances that shifted ever so slightly to clue them in to Milo's collapse to the floor at a dead faint. All either of them knew was that Milo was upright and then he _wasn't_ ; both of them were confused when they looked up to find the unmanned state of the stove top.

Jared was quick to settle the puppy back into the box while Chad slipped effortlessly off the stool, heading toward Milo's side. He wasn't reacting like an employer who found his unconscious employee; his voice told of a closer, more meaningful connection. Jared wasn't prepared for the tenderness of Chad's caresses over Milo's pale skin or the way he acted like Milo had been through this situation before.

While Chad shook and called out Milo's name to get him conscious, Chad finally began to notice the odd looks Jared was sending him. As it sunk in that Milo was out cold for a while, he asked that Jared take the body to the couch. It wasn't like Chad was weak or couldn't touch his personal assistant, but that he had to contain his own emotional upheaval.

“Shouldn't we call 911? Or get his doctor... or _something_?”

Chad stood, watching Jared easily lift Milo's pale, lifeless body into his arms. He had to occupy his hands with some activity; they were shaking uncontrollably. He went about turning off the stove burners, letting the food go cold, uncooked. “There's really nothing that can be done.” Chad moved swiftly to get a glass of chilled water and a cool, damp cloth. “These are the kind of attacks that happen since his concussion.”

“Shouldn't he have an MRI? Or some type of scan to tell whether—?” Jared stood upright once he had settled Milo comfortably on the cushions. “This has happened more than once, hasn't it? Not just the fainting either?”

Chad barely shook his head in agreement as he handed Jared the water and cloth. He remained standing at the back of the couch, a grip so tight on the puffy cushions that his knuckles were turning red. “Put the wash cloth at the base of his neck,” Chad demonstrated on his own body. “Tilt his head back some. When you're ready, flick a little water in his face or pour the whole thing over him to get him to wake.” With one final desperate and painful glance downward, Chad turned to walk away from the whole incident, back to his poster-board and drawing.

With a shake of his head and a tightening of his lips, Jared followed Chad's suggestions as he took a haphazard seat on the low art deco coffee table. The few moist sprinkles thrown in Milo's face had caused him to flinch and blink his lids open. Funny, that once Milo focused on Jared and settled into an understanding in his mind, his eyes sought out Chad.

Jared only used one hand, flat to Milo's mid-sternum, to settle him back down to rest. “What the fuck is this, man? How long have you been fainting and blacking out?”

Milo stretched, arcing his neck on the thickness of the moist cloth. “Awhile. It used to only happen when I was stressed or nervous. Now it's _whenever_.”

“What did your doctor say?”

“Nothing to what can be done immediately. Except being alert to what triggers me, if I react differently once I wake up—like if I have lingering headaches, bright lights being too bright.” Milo rose to his elbows in intricate steps, then turned to glance sideways at Jared. “I took a massive blow to the head, Jared, even with my helmet on. I shook the cage, and that's not something that will ever go away. Not something you can find an easy remedy for.”

“Still... you kept me in the dark.” Jared tightened his mouth on _that_ fact, because it meant someone else had taken his place. The idea it could've been Chad disturbed him. “I thought you were on your way to getting better.”

“I am.” Milo sighed heavily as he pulled off the cool cloth to wipe over his face. He slowly rose upright to swing his legs to the floor. “I can't simply refuse to live my life because of some fainting spells.”

“Chad's been with you for _all_ of them?” This knowledge ate at Jared's gut, because it caused him to second-guess his idea of Chad immediately.

“Yeah...” Milo sat forward, trading cloth for glass as he sipped at the water. “Which is one of the reasons why I keep telling you he's not such a bad guy. He's good, deep down. He's been scared out his mind a few times that this could possibly be his fault—excuse me.” He handed Jared the glass as he stood to his feet and walked around the couch.

Jared remained where he was, unblinking, as he witnessed Milo saunter over to Chad, hands crossed at his back, sidling up to Chad's right side. Milo looked down at the doodling on the poster-board, made a comment and then bumped his body against Chad. Bending low to speak directly into an available ear, Milo gently brushed his brow at the side of the blond head, where soft bristles of shorn locks were squished. Jared could swear he saw Chad lean backward or push against Milo's touch, like a silent apology and acceptance with forgiveness rolled into one.

Jared suddenly realized he had let his prejudices and snap judgments on Chad get the better of him. He needed to change that bad habit. Probably why there was only Milo in his life as one of his closest best friends. No one else seemed to have the stamina to put up with his bullshit.

Milo had gone back to his task of cooking, throwing out the old eggs to start fresh. He moved slower, steadier and concentrated on every move and step.

Jared got off the coffee table to make his way into the kitchen. He opened the cabinet of mugs to pull two down, filling them both up with the brewed liquid. “How do you take your coffee, Chad?” He had to start somewhere.

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

Jensen sat back in his caddy-corner booth seat, tossing his gaze between looking out the restaurant's front window to staring at the series of photographs he had taken with his digital SLR camera, sometime this morning at the downtown flea market. It was a favorite new toy of his since deciding to stop keeping photography as a semi-hobby, but a fully-realized dream for a career. He was deeply engrossed in a set of pictures he had shot, a wry smirk on his lips as he kept punching the “forward” and “reverse” arrows with his thumb-pad.

“ _Nickel for your thoughts..._ ” came a sultry voice, breaking through Jensen's concentration and his reason for a spark of pleasure.

“Yikes.” Jensen gave Sophia a wide grin, feeling a bit of his happiness bubble burst. “I guess it's true what they say about the economy—more money, less value.” He let his arm slide along the bench-seat back and curl around her shoulders. “Is _he_ here yet?”

Sophia snuggled into Jensen's chest, shaking her head with a bit of sadness. “No. I don't think he'll show.” She looked at her watch to see that it was almost two in the afternoon. “Bummer, 'cuz I really wanted you two to meet. I wanted you guys to like one another. I hate the awkward uncomfortableness around this time.”

“What do you mean?” Jensen wrinkled his brow in bewilderment.

“The transition between one boyfriend to the next. I didn't—I hadn't realized how important a thing like this would be until our argument.” Not only had Sophia fought with Jared, but a smaller one had begun with Jensen.

“Well, it can't be easy.” Jensen cleared his throat and scratched at his face. “You did say the relationship was one of your most 'intense'—a little toxic, to coin an overused therapist's phrase.”

“But the fundamental core was love, Jensen. We've been better friends than lovers.” Sophia couldn't help the “face” she made at that statement. “I'd hate to lose that connection completely.”

“He _did_ agree to meet us here?”

“Uh—yeah...” It was the second facial cue that gave Sophia's underlaying emotion away.

“What? Why did that sound so doubtful?” Jensen was caught between mischief and bit of frustration. Sophia had a good heart and was always full of good intentions, if not a bit overly ambitious.

“I don't know. I get nervous with answering machines and voice-mails. I flub my lines, like, every time. And then I go through a total mind-erase where I forget one or two items I had to say. They're usually the most important. Like, pivotal.”

“And that means— _what_?”

“I left a voice message first, then sent a text. I don't know... I can't even recall what I said. I have my text, but you can't rewind a voice-mail.”

“Then give him the benefit of doubt. I want you to be comfortable with us—you and I. I don't want to negate that there have been other men in your life before me.”

“I think I'm more afraid of what he'll think—or assume.”

“Which would be?”

Sophia nervously spun the rings around her right hand with the fingers of her left. “How quickly I went from leaving him to being with you.”

Jensen put away his camera, his sole attention being on Sophia. “Look...” He reached across to take her wringing hands in his grip. “... as much as any of us would love to get inside other peoples' minds, you can't expect him to feel _exactly_ like you do. I know you want a happy medium, but think more of it possibly _not_ being a good idea right now—maybe later when time has passed and he can cool down.”

Sophia sighed in relaxation, pulling out one hand to lay over Jensen's wrist. “You amaze me sometimes. How you can look at both sides and just— _know_ —exactly what to say to make sense.” She bent over to kiss the top of Jensen's hand, petting the soft hairs on warm skin. “I fall more in love each day.”

“That's not possible. It's more the 'intensity' of the love you felt initially.”

“Oh, _phooey_...” Sophia swiped her hand in mid-air. “... my friends would freak out and laugh at me to know I had become the romantic sappy one of _this_ relationship.”

“I'm a realist.” Jensen used one hand, in a chopping motion, to make his points on the table surface. “I like the straightforward and the blatantly honest. I don't like murkiness or gray areas. It either IS or it ISN'T. There is no third choice.”

“Cynic.”

Jensen averted his head at how hurtful that comment felt to him. “Hardly.”

“You are adorably cute with your progressive mind and pragmatic ways.” Sophia made a squishy face as she reached out to shake Jensen out of his brooding mood of the moment.

“Give him another call. Stop thinking the worst and—I don't know... how 'bout you actually _ask_ him what went wrong?”

“Okay... I will.” Sophia nodded her head on one solid bounce. “But only after you and I have had a fabulous and filling lunch—on me. I'll call him on the way back to my place.”

“Uh—actually...” Jensen cleared his throat, giving a side-long glance down to his camera on the cushion beside him. “... I'm going to need to stay in town. I'll probably stay at the loft.”

“Oh, okay—all right.” Sophia exaggerated her pout, hating that Jensen loved being alone so early in their budding relationship. “Order whatever you like. Money is no object. The food here is worth every penny.”

Jensen laughed heartily as he opened the menu again. He fixed his seated position to face more toward the window, giving Sophia a chance to scoot in further. Holding the menu open like a book, he brought up his left arm, elbow on the table to rest his cheek on. Jensen coughed and reached out to take a sip of his cold water, then glanced up to peer outdoors for a split second and nearly came face-to-face with the true-as-life subject he had encountered this morning at the flea market—the unforgettable face he had taken nearly a million shots of.

He held in his breath and his heart lurched, but then a crowd of pedestrians blocked his view and by the time they were clear... his dark beauty was gone. Jensen furrowed his brow, shaking his head as if to think the impossible possible. How could the very thing he couldn't get out of his mind actually be right in front of him, unless it was a cruel trick of his mind—a figment of his imagination? The want so intense and heavy, he had simply conjured up the very image to be real?

Sophia's hand on his forearm woke him out of his trance. “ _hmm...?_ ” Jensen rose one eyebrow in query.

“Split dessert with me? I never leave this place without a little indulgence.”

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Jensen was lucky Sophia hadn't caught his stare and the drooling—thank god she didn't know him ** _that_** well.

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

Milo rushed down the staircase, almost jumping off the second to the last step as he landed and elbowed Jared. “C'mon... a good rowdy and intense sporting event on a sixty-five inch Plasma wide-screen will take your mind off any troubles!”

Jared hated how chipper and upbeat Milo had become. Not that he had been a moody son-of-a-bitch before, but this extreme giddiness, almost childlike, was unnerving and worrisome. He shoved back, but not forcibly—only enough to make Milo teeter on his feet. “Sure you don't have some gory slasher horror flick I can wallow in? Or—where exactly is your porn stash? Back at your apartment?”

“I'd offer you porn here—Chad's got the quality stuff—but I know how it looks with two dudes watching straight porn together.”

“So— _what_? It's better if we watch gay porn together?”

“I dunno. You wanna?” Milo wiggled his dark eyebrows up and down, bumping hips with Jared. “If not, there's some nice DP action in the straight stuff—if you eliminate the chick... it's essentially two guys fucking...”

Jared covered a hand over his face, dissolving into stunted laughter. He hooked his arm around Milo's neck to drag him down the hall toward the room the Murray family had given to Milo as his very own. Not quite butler quarters, but close. It had been Chad's father's old den and study to which Milo had amped it to a true bona fide “man cave”. The decorations were all of Milo's awards, competition ribbons, some medals and various trophies (small and large). Dozens of old skateboards and a BMX bike or two were hooked onto the bare walls.

Jared didn't know how Milo could still come in here and not pitch a bitch-fit. To have been robbed too early of a lucrative career in extreme sports just when he was putting his name on the map seemed too cruel. Yet, Milo hadn't let it, or much of anything, bog him down. He worked for The Murray family with the same gusto he had for wild adventure and mad-cap stupidity.

Milo picked up the iPad remote, letting the screen warm until it displayed the satellite dish's menu. He quickly punched a few buttons and one of the cavalcade of ESPN channels popped up. Milo hit another app-button that showed all of the ESPNs in a set of miniature TV screens.

“The comp doesn't start until 3:30... wanna shoot some pool?”

“Sure. What are we playin' for?”

“Nothin'. I don't know.” Milo shrugged, pulling down two pool sticks from the wall unit. “Shit. Can we play simply _to play_?”

Jared was startled by the sign of no sense of competition left in Milo's body. “You really don't miss it _at all_ , do you?”

“What?”

“The heady rush of competition, man.” Jared could remember the days when everything Milo did was under the guise of a secret bet or a challenge to himself and others around him. “Sometimes you thrived off pure adrenaline.”

“Look where it fuckin' got me, bro.” Milo handed Jared a pool stick by the thicker end. He shook his head as he rubbed the chalk over the tip of his own pool stick. “Nah, I think I have more passion for life than for a sport that can end me before I'm thirty.”

“You don't have to let it go completely.” Jared waited until Milo put down the chalk square before he walked over to work on his pool stick. “There's kids who would love to be trained by your superior talents and skills.” He took his time as Milo collected the wooden triangle and gathered the balls to arrange inside. “No doubt that once they know who you are, they'd pay good money to be taught.”

“Jesus, it never was about the money or the shit-ton of popularity.” Milo rolled the triangle around and around, then bent low to align with the other end. “I 'boarded and 'rolled 'cuz I was fuckin' good at it and it made me happy. Now...” He threw the triangle off to land in the seat of a comfy leather chair. “... I suck and I found a _different_ kind of happiness.”

“Okay... all right.” Jared put out his hand, then pressed the hand to his right breast as a “mea culpa”. “Sorry... I'm really not this much of an a-hole. _Excusez-moi_ _._ ”

Milo knew what this verbal attack was about. “What did ** _she_** do now?” He was the one to break, watching as a striped ball landed in one corner pocket. Jared would be solids this round.

“Nothing—well, not ** _no_** _thing_ —just... she led me to think, or fathom—well, wait... she said ' _meet us at—blah-blah_ ' and I foolishly assumed she had meant her and a girlfriend.”

Milo chuckled at Jared's usual crazy-talk. “What _did_ she mean?”

Jared tapped the end of the stick on the hardwood floor, scratching his thumbnail on his cheek. “I'm fairly certain she's seeing someone else.”

“Oh—ohhh...” Now Milo understood why Jared had become so touchy all of a sudden. “Did you introduce yourself?”

“No.” Jared laughed heartily at himself, and how pitiful this made him sound. “I fuckin' ran...” He rubbed the side of his face. “God, I'm such a fuckin' pussy. I don't know what it is about this girl that makes me act like I'm a twelve year old chick with an unhealthy crush.”

Milo smirked because he knew why Jared was stuck to this young woman—why any man would be. “So you didn't even go to the restaurant?”

“Oh, I went—I just stood outside, staring at them like the stalker I'm becoming.”

“Dude... _let it go_.” Before Milo took his next shot, he stuck out his hand waving it to-n-fro. “You said so yourself, at the market, that her offer came out of the blue. Sounds like it wasn't planned or well-thought out. It's _not_ a big deal.” He made a soft moan under his throat as he missed a red-stripe ball, then moved out of the way so Jared could take the same shot with his own solid green ball.

“It is if she wants me to turn around and be all 'buddy-buddy' nice-y with this douche.” Jared was achingly slow to move as he sought out different angles to take various shots.

“Really? What does a real live human 'douche' look like?”

Just then, as if perfectly staged, Chad knocked on the partially open door and stumbled in, not caring if he was interrupting something private. “Yo!”

Jared chuckled deeply as Milo stared over at him with wide eyes of determination to not say a word.

“What?” Chad held open his arms to glance down at himself.

“It's nothing, Chad.” Milo waved Chad's worry away, cupping his hand on his hip. “Did you need something?”

“Uh, yeah—you!”

“For?!” Milo rolled his shoulder to wipe at his face as he sent a bored and un-excitable look toward Chad.

Chad's jaw almost dropped to the floor in shock. “Oh, don't even—I can't believe—we've been doing shit for weeks for this night, bitch.” His whole body began to hang as he let his arms dangle by his sides at the thought of such wasted energy he had lost. Chad never ran on much power in the first place—what little he had he liked to conserve for stuff he liked doing. “Why do you think I went out and picked up our tuxes myself?”

“Do you actually want me to answer that question?”

Chad spun around in frustration, arms crossed as his gaze fixated on the television screen. “What are we waiting for?” He asked loudly, even though he knew what was coming up in the next hour or so.

“The Para'Ville Games,” Milo mumbled out as he reached under his arm to scratch. “In Italy.” His tone held no sense of feeling or emotion, as if the pool game with Jared was more important.

“What are they?” Chad had some vague notion, but he wasn't sure.

Jared hesitated in speaking with his eyes darting between Chad and Milo. “That's where Milo would've been had he not had his accident.”

Chad became eerily silent, gnawing his bottom teeth on the roll of his top lip as he shook his head. He swiped the remote to hit mute. “I'm not goin' without you... an' you can't use your head injury as an excuse you forgot.” He spun back around to face Milo. “You have another hour to watch your silly— _games_...” Chad took out his parental index finger to start directing it around at Milo and where he should be if he knew what was good for him. If he wanted to keep his job. “... and then you come out to me, in the living room, and try on your fuckin' tux.” He had kept his head bent the entire time, unable to look directly at Milo as he commanded.

Jared didn't know what to do, what to say or how to react. He watched Chad as he exited the room and trudge down the short hall. “Dude...” He stared at how calmly Milo continued to play pool.

“Don't worry. I didn't forget.” Milo rolled his eyes as he missed another shot, simply because of Chad messing with his nerves. “If I was just his 'Yes Man' he'd be fuckin' bored outta his mind. This way... I put some spice in his life to make him think he's all-mighty and powerful.” He gave off a light chuckle and then sighed as his chin jutted toward the TV. “It pisses him off when I watch this channel.”

Jared shook his head. “Have I been utterly blind this whole time? You two are like a fuckin' married couple.” He swiped a hand over his aching brow, fear of a headache coming on. “I just don't know how you can stand him.”

“Hey... it wasn't like anyone or anything got your full attention. Sophia became your world. Hell, I understood. I had that once—like, eons ago.”

Jared barely remembered the poor young woman, but seemed to recall she was a dishwater blonde with a pocket-sized body—like a walking-talking Tinkerbell. “Did she leave you 'cuz of the injury?”

“Nah, she left me because she caught me in bed with someone else.”

“Oh, yeah...” Jared nodded his head in agreement, his eyes narrowing on Milo with a sly grin over his lips. “... you were kind of a scumbag, weren't you?”

“I was fuckin' lazy, was what I was. Especially when it came to everything non-sports related.” Milo stuck the thick tip of his pool stick on the floor, leaning his cheek on the top portion where his hands gripped. “Think there's any truth to 'karma'?”

“What, like, ' _what goes around comes around_ '?”

“No. Like—do bad things, live fast and hard, don't pay consequences along the way—then **slam! blammo!**... toppled to your feet. Now you do only good things, you struggle to live and you feel like you 'pay' every god-forsaken day you're awake...”

“Jesus, Milo...”

“—yeah... I didn't think so either. Take your shots. I'll be right back.” As Milo quietly slipped out the door, he yelled back, “Don't you dare touch my balls!”

Jared started snickering as he smoothed the end of the pool stick. He tried to look at the positions of perfect shots on the table, still he couldn't help but wallow in self-pity a little longer. He never had any idea Sophia was so over him where she would actually pursue another guy. Usually, she would cry foul, stomp off for a few days and then come crawling back. For the sex, mainly. Jared could lie to himself and believe his own hype, but it was too easy to explain that the minute they would get back together they would find their way into bed without a word—without even one of them saying “I'm sorry”.

Jared had felt the difference this time almost instantly. No, not when he had caught sight of them through the window at Ba-chi's. It had been much earlier, at the flea market downtown, where Milo and Jared had been regretfully roped into helping Chad peddle the puppies for pussy. Jared had been stunned how perfectly Chad's silly scheme had worked. Probably hadn't been a terrible idea to use three good looking guys, but the puppies had brought an “ ** _aww_** ” factor that made hard veneer slip and panties drop. He chuckled, shaking his head as he finally lined up his shot and hit the ceramic balls. Of course with his string of bad luck lately, Jared was glad he only missed the corner pocket and hadn't fallen and poked an eye out.

Fuck. Jared was already bored. He set the pool stick on the felt and wooden ledge, grabbing the sleek touchscreen remote to find himself a good slouching position on the two-seater couch to prop his feet up. Somehow he knew, sooner or later, Milo would be returning. Jared really wouldn't mind if Chad showed up. At least his dormant dislike took his mind off his collapsing love-life.

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~... tbc...~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Jensen thanked whomever was above that the loft was completely empty when he returned after watching Sophia drive off. He had been tempted to invite her up, but she seemed in a rush to get back to her place to finish a project for college she was working on. She would've blown it off for last minute, but not when it counted for a majority of her class average. He understood, more than she could imagine.

College had been over for Jensen for a while. He had gone directly into a career with his graduating degree and quickly found himself losing perspective, losing himself. He had quit the next morning, never looking back. Now he was in a different school-setting, but learning something that had once only been a passing hobby. He was working at a portrait studio, part-time, while in photography classes. With savings and a nice retirement plan from his old job, Jensen was comfortable monetarily to be able to flounder for a few years before he got his footing. After selling his pricey home, he had returned to live downtown, closer to the courses he was taking. He didn't need much and he had weird hours to keep. It was best he didn't live alone or have much of anything permanent.

The minute he set down his bags and took off his coat, Jensen palmed his camera and grabbed a beverage on his way to the make-shift “darkroom”. Another photographer lived here as well as a painter who worked off pictures she took. He wanted to develop the roll of film so he could compile the best ones of the flea market. He did a ton of freelancing in his spare time: for the newspaper and for the city, itself. Jensen didn't get much in payment, but it helped him practice and he was always told they would give him great references if he needed them.

Truthfully, Jensen knew another reason why he had been so eager to return and develop the film. It wasn't enough to have seen the face on a colorful LCD screen: he wanted 8'x10' glossies or better. What he wanted to do was use this subject for one of his class projects coming up. For the last month or so, he had been wracking his brain on what to use, now there was no doubt.

It was weird to be obsessed with a total stranger so suddenly. Jensen hated how breathless and quiet he became over seeing the same shots of just one different unknown set of features. But as he kept staring, he began to wonder if he had known this young man. Not known him on a personal level, but more as a... looking into the deep set dark brown eyes and catching a reflection of who Jensen was...

A bold-faced liar.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

“No. Fuckin'—COME! ON!! Seriously?! Haggins needs a 'do over'!” Milo was twitching to pace, but he was able to use his pointy index finger to direct the tip at the screen. “That's unfair to disqualify him for a malfunction in the ramp— _bastards_!”

Jared wasn't sure which to watch more of: Milo's reaction with Chad's displeasure or the actual sport taking place on the huge monitor. “Can't they just— _I don't know_... is it possible to fairly fault a rider for a piss-poorly made track?”

“Mi'o, will ya'!— ** _fuck_**!!” Chad was attempting to speak through a row of pins and a pencil in his mouth. His hands were tugging on the loose cummerbund around Milo's slim waist. “ ** _Dude_**!!”

“... sorry—sorry... I jus'—” Milo set his hands off his hips in frustration to dangle them by his sides. “I'd be charging those dipshits running this comp', even if I was in Sobelle's position. Haggin's not on equal footing. It's unfair game play in competition. If he's not allowed to be at his best, I'd be raising a shitstorm of Hell.”

“Why?” Jared had to admit the reason he could never actively join in sports was because he didn't have that deep of a dedication, to anything.

“—'cuz it's not a fair win, man.” Milo sighed to control his breathing, then decided to calm himself down so he could explain clearly. “If Sobelle advances to the number one position when his fiercest competitor isn't allowed to do his best to prove the 'win' is legit...” He shook his head. “It's an unfair disadvantage. It craps on both riders.” Milo used the motion of his head to point toward the screen again. “I know these kats; they're both good guys and they would quit before one of them was unfairly judged.”

Chad sighed heavily, only giving a side cursory glance toward the television. He took out the last pin, then spun Milo around to undo the silk material. “Go put on the jacket.” He jotted numbers down on his tiny notepad and picked up the strip of measuring tape he had set across his thighs.

Jared still couldn't believe Chad was actually re-measuring and re-adjusting the tailored tuxedo on Milo's body, and right in the middle of the sporting event. Milo had invited Chad back into the private room as long as he kept his opinions to himself and worked on the tux. He had promised he would go to the charity event and wear the offending penguin suit. Jared thought he had seen a silly grin pass over Chad's usually bland, grim expression.

The hilarity was that this hadn't prevented Milo from reacting as passionately as he typically would to the competition on-screen, having to watch some of his ex-adversaries go head-to-head. Jared started to feel sympathy for Chad, which stunned him. But he couldn't help this feeling coming over him that he had missed a crucial moment between Milo and Chad months ago. As Milo had reminded Jared, during his off-n-on-again relationship with Sophia.

Since Milo wouldn't give over much detailed information, he thought he might pull Chad aside—get him alone—and see how far he could go before he got punched in the face. Jared realized he had gone into numb-mode while a conversation had been taking place between Milo and Chad.

“I _am_ sorry. How many times can I apologize for the same thing?”

“A _week_ , Milo. We tried the tuxes on barely one week ago and you've already lost substantial weight.” Chad was even able to wrap both hands around Milo's waist with the clothes on.

“That's not my fault.” Milo slapped Chad's hands away. “You're with me for every meal. You see me snack. I drink as much coffee and soda as you do.”

Chad shook his head. “Something's not right. Or you're lying to me.”

“I'm not—” Milo stretched out a hand to try to clamp on Chad's shoulder, but Chad swiveled away, taking out a cigarette and lighter. “I hope you're takin' that shit outside.”

Chad was only able to flick the lighter once, flame narrowly skimming the end of the cigarette dangling over his lip. “Yes, sir!” He gave off a weak salute, then spun around to walk off, heading out the double French doors out onto the stone patio.

Milo tugged gently on the cuffs of the tuxedo jacket. “... _fuckme_ ,” he muttered under his breath as he deepened his frown along his brow.

Jared put down his cell phone on the coffee table. “Bro... what is goin' on?” It was time some things were cleared up. This was more than an employer and an employee talking to one another. “It feels like I'm missing a page or two out of the script.”

“It's okay. Everything's fine. Chad's just—I guess he feels a bit responsible, on some level. Where I am today. He's—we've become rather close, uh...” Milo scratched at his scalp unsure he should go into too much detail this soon. “—like siblings, and he likes to nag me because it's the only way to show he cares. A lot.”

“Chad? Chad Murray cares about someone else other than himself and his money?”

“Jared—c'mon, man...” Milo threw both arms up in defeat, letting the limbs dangle down his sides weakly. “I had to turn to someone when I couldn't reach you.”

“Couldn't reach me? When did I ever not—?” Jared sat upright on the cushions, sitting forward as he tapped his hands in the coffee table surface to make his point made. “I was right _here_ , Milo.”

“No... no... _wait_ —this is coming out all wrong.” Milo pressed fingers to his temple to quell his frazzled mind, where words came out he didn't mean to say out loud. “— _fuuuuck_! Look, I've had those blackouts... fainting spells... _whatever_ —with Chad and no one else. I knew you had your own priorities—what with school and Sophia... your sister and worrying about your brother overseas... I jus' didn't wanna be that _other_ burden.”

Jared was off the couch in a flash, walking over to Milo to latch onto both his arms. “You have been my 'fam', Milo. You've been a brother more than the one I have when I needed one the most.” He kept tilting his head to catch Milo's eye, a little scared when Milo averted his gaze too frequently. “You're more than a best friend to me, you should know that.”

Milo smirked in understanding, slowly slipping out of Jared's tight grip. “I love you too...” He pressed a hand flat to Jared's chest. “... but it's been easier and less stressful to lean on Chad.” Milo had dreaded having to say this, but it was true.

Jared narrowed his eyes on Milo's features. “You've always thought the same as me, that Murray wasn't fit to lick your boots.”

“Yeah... but people surprise you sometimes, when you get to know them better, one-on-one.” Milo knew he should've talked to Jared sooner about what was going on, but things had changed for him without being prepared to know that he should let the people closest in. It's what you do when you think you have all the time in the world. “He's let me into his life like no one else has been. His rep is just for show to keep his reality as respectful and trustworthy as a son and heir of his stature can attain. I'm honored to know him better than his own family. It's only that when he cares he's somewhat possessive and, uh... adamant.”

“There's more.”

“huh?” Milo raised one dark eyebrow.

“There's more you're not telling me.” Jared lifted his chin up to hold in pride in check. “Probably because I've done nothin' but bad mouth the guy since you started working for him.”

“Jared...”

“You think I'll laugh or poke fun at you, make you feel shitty for liking him as much as you obviously do.”

Milo grabbed the pinned cummerbund, Chad's notes and the measuring tape. “Tell Chad I'll take this to Cleves, since it's my fault the tuxedo no longer fits.”

Jared furrowed his brow in mild perplexity at the mention of a familiar name to the household. “Isn't Cleves the butler?”

“Uh, yup... man-servant or a, uh, housekeeper of sorts.” Milo kept clearing his throat in an unconscious nervous manner. He had to get out of this room as he was finding it difficult to breathe. “He's been with the Murray family for years. He stayed here because of Chad. Cleves raised him, watched him grow since he was five.”

“... and he sews?”

“He does a bit of everything, actually.” Milo walked around Jared to pace toward the door. “Who do you think changes all the floral arrangements when they die off?”

“Learn something new every day.”

Milo had his hand on the knob, opening the heavy door slowly. “Yes, we do, don't we?”

Jared was about to say something to Milo, but his phone made a noise.

“Better get that. Could be important.” Milo was gone before Jared could tell him it had only been his sister, leaving him a text.

Ignoring his cell, Jared took a stroll to the French doors and stood watching Chad for a minute or two. He didn't know why he kept finding the guy so fascinating to watch and in the same breath hated everything those looks stood for. Maybe because Chad's expression varied little and gave nothing away of how he _truly_ felt. Jared couldn't help thinking “ _cold and unfeeling, a bit of a selfish prick_ ”.

He had been disproved several times today; his eyes now widely opened to aspects of his own life as well. Without a thought to Sophia, even knowing she would be with a new boyfriend, it was as if his mind and body were finally free. She was someone else's ticking time bomb now. And he was unsettled by the relief he felt coupled with the barest of heartache. Still, he had some idea there might be some tiny hope that he could get her back, if he wanted.

Jared foolishly knocked on the open door, eliciting a light chuckle from Chad. “Milo took his tux to Cleves for the alterations.”

Slowly, Chad gave one nod with his head, drawing in the cigarette smoke. “Did you _know_?”

“ _What_?” Jared swallowed, feeling like a scumbag friend. “About the weight loss, you mean?”

“You knew him before.” Chad began to pace like a caged animal, scuffing his shoe tips on the patio stonework. “Is _this_ typical?” He couldn't look at Jared or catch his scrutinizing gaze.

“Honestly... I couldn't say. Milo's always been a terrible eater, not health conscious. He could eat mountains of food and never gain an ounce. In fact, he can sometimes loose weight, but—”

“But— _what_?”

“He was BMX-ing... and skateboarding. Training for an upcoming competition... jesus...” Jared closed his eyes, guilt and concern overwhelming him. “... it's never been excessive weight loss.” He narrowed his gaze on Chad, thinking that he might have some explanation hidden away. “What do you think could be wrong?”

“Binging? Purging?” Chad shrugged his shoulders, making up stuff to fill the silences. “—uhm, maybe he IS eating exactly what he says he is, but not able to keep the food down for long.”

“Has the Brain Doc said anything different?” Jared wandered over to lean on the sculpted marble railing, crossing arms over his chest.

“I'm told...” Chad approached the same railing on the other end, reaching out with his cigarette hand to clutch hard on the ledge. “—it could be 'symptomatic of a change'. A much _bigger_ issue on the way.”

“Like?” Jared turned only his head to look at Chad, finding his stance—that exhausted slump of the long, lean body—a little truth-telling about what Milo's medical issues could be doing to him. He didn't know why but he lifted one side of his mouth in a quirky grin.

“He doesn't faint or blackout for an inexplicable reason. Severe trauma to the brain can lead to—” Chad paused, lifting one side of his mouth in a smirk. “You think it's 'funny', Padalecki?”

Jared was startled that Chad picked up on his subtle reaction. “No, uh... actually, I think you're kind of amazing—and it seems like you've succeeded where I've failed Milo.” He swiveled to lean his left side on the railing's shape to face Chad directly.

“He's by my side 24/7.” Chad let his gaze roam out over the huge-ass backyard. “It's not failure, just a slight oversight.” It felt weird to be excusing Jared for something, when he knew he never would get the same respect in return.

“I don't need you to cut me some slack, Murray. I know I've been a crap friend, let me fuckin' own it.”

“Okay, okay...” Chad was beginning to melt to Jared's charm, something he hadn't bothered to pay attention to before. He shook his head. “I admire him.”

“huh?”

“Jesus, man...” Chad threw his hands up in defeat. “I'm not about to play fuckin' games with you. I know how much you hate me.”

“I don't ha—” Jared was taken aback by the pure passion in that voice; he'd never heard that much feeling come out of Chad before.

“Oh, yeah?... blow more smoke up my ass.”

“All right.” Jared snorted out a laugh only because Chad was the one smoking. “I'm trying to be serious. You couldn't have chosen a better person to admire.”

“Brilliant.” Chad looked down again, then moved to turn to face out to the backyard. “Now you're pandering to me.”

“Should I just go back inside and start again?”Jared pointed both thumbs behind him over his right shoulder. “I can, you know.” He cleared his throat and smiled a little when he caught Chad shaking his head with a grin on his normally stoic features. “I think we've both been on the outside looking in with each of our connections to Milo, but I know we want the same thing.”

Chad raised two dark blond eyebrows in curiosity. “Really? So... _you_ want Milo beneath you, writhing and pleading, calling out your name to near orgasmic levels too?”

“ _Excuse me_?!?” Jared had no idea how to respond to a question, and a blatant revelation like that concerning what could be going on between Chad and Milo.

“Did I stutter?” Chad nearly spat out the words toward Jared.

“— _whoa_... just, uh— _whoa_...” Jared held out both palms to ward off Chad's anger, then turned his hands to press against his chest. “I'm not—this can't be...” He tilted his head a little as if it was finally sinking in he had been more blind than he even imagined.

“Why? Because you're a homophobe?”

“No, 'cuz I didn't know.” Jared watched the dawning creep over Chad's face. “ _Wait_!”

Chad flicked his cigarette butt in mid-air, turning his back to Jared as he let out more curses at being trapped in his own assumptions. “ _... jesus fuckin' christ..._ ”

Jared couldn't help taking a few steps toward Chad to shorten the distance between them. “You thought I knew about you two?”

“I never asked, he never said. I just assumed you two were close.”Chad glanced over his shoulder. “I mean, it was why he left his girlfriend.”

This comment stopped Jared in his tracks. “Milo was dumped 'cuz she found him with another—”

Chad shook his head sadly. There seemed to be a lot of things neither of them had been told about the other. “I think he felt safer letting you think that, so he could hide the fact of his real heartbreak.”

“Tell me, man...” Jared softened his tone. “I wanna know.”

“Brett Merritt.” Chad said the name like a roll off his tongue. It was a ghost in Milo's past Chad found he had to battle with constantly. He knew the name too well.

“Uh, wait, wait...” Jared put out a hand for Chad to slow down, let him figure this out on his own. “He was one of his Motocross buddies, right?”

Chad leaned weakly against the railing, sending an arm across his middle. “Brett was more than a fellow rider. He and Milo fell in love.” He shaped a hand over the side of his face, then started rubbing gently.

Jared swiped a hand over his face as he nodded, remembering everything now. “Brett died in a helicopter crash, if I recall. Jesus, Milo was... pretty broken up 'bout it.” He moved back to the railing and hitched his left leg up on the railing. “I wrote it off as close-as-brothers because I know what a kick-ass friend he's been to me.” Jared shrugged his right shoulder as he looked down at the ground. “I thought the same for every other guy he was close to.”

“Before Milo's crash, he had a short fling with another competitor. It brought out old shit about Brett, the unresolved issues and their hidden feelings they kept from the public eye.”

“So—you and he...”

“We're close— _intimate_...” Chad cleared his throat after a pretty long cough. He refused to look at Jared, just ran his fingers over his scalp in a nervous twitch. “... but not—he'll sleep in my bed, next to me—let me wake up with the feel of him by my side, but he doesn't want true intimacy of a, uh... sexual nature.”

Jared nodded his head in understanding. “It's easier for him to leave if he's not in love with you.”

“Well...” Chad snorted a laugh softly out of his nostrils and clutched both hands beside his hips on the railing. “—I hate to tell him that he's too fuckin' late.”

Jared couldn't stop smiling like a fool. “You're not letting him leave you once he's served his probation?”

“He wants me not to care or have these feelings, but it's tough when I see him in need... and I know I can fulfill it.” Chad held up one hand toward Jared. “No offense to you. It's now apparent we're both in the same darkness.”

“You're gay?” Jared didn't know why this fact just dawned on him.

“I love who I love, man. Sexual organs don't seem to matter to me.”

“But you love women.” All this time, the way Chad was smooth and charming around the opposite sex... this was more of a shock to know than to hear it about Milo. “I just spent all day with you—”

“Chad Michael Murray, of the Roseville Heights Murrays, loves the ladies.” Chad tucked the tips of his fingers into his front pockets, giving off a very un-Chad-Michael-Murray smile of shyness. “Chad?... well, he likes, and possibly, loves dick.”

“God...” Jared snickered at length with a shake of his head as he stared at Chad. “... then you are a better actor than I once thought.”

Chad pushed off the railing and was almost making his way past Jared. “—and you're not quite the shittiest childhood friend on the planet.” An arm outstretched toward him to catch his dangling forearm.

“Let's do this right, dude...” Jared stuck out his hand for a shake. “... for Milo.”

Chad actually smiled broadly, dipping his head as he grew flush, taking that large, engulfing hand of friendship. “For Milo.”

Jared thought he saw Chad's eyes drop to his mouth, like he would pull him in for a kiss. “I should think about leaving.” He loosened the grip and stepped back. “I need to return to my life sometime today.”

“Sure I can't interest you to a black tie charity.” Chad quirked up one end of his mouth, giving Jared's tall frame a once-over. “You're about my father's size. Cleves can check the old closets for something you could wear.”

“Nah, I don't...” Jared made his arms hug himself to create a boundary between he and Chad's... nearness. “It's been a busy day. Tons to process.”

“Oh, okay, but...” Chad pretended to look around him to see if anyone was within listening distance, then turned bck to lean into Jared and say in a hushed voice, “I've got a solution to your dilemma.”

“huh?”

“I know about your girl... or your ex or whatever she was to you.”

“How? Did Milo—?”

“No. I'm not fuckin' dead or blind.” Chad made a face at Jared—in his typical fashion to show what an idiot he thought Jared could be sometimes. “That guy she was hanging off of today was delicious. I'd be ticked off—although the other way around.”

“A solution? What?—like a, uh...?”

“A plan, Jared. A plan to get her back, _if you want her_.” Chad was already strolling away, back to the French doors that led into the house.

“Oh?” Jared raised a curious dark eyebrow, quickly following Chad's trail.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **later that evening...**

Jared stumbled into his room, tugging off the real bow tie in one swoop as he paced toward the bed in the small guest house. He was too drunk to move or concentrate and he didn't want to be alone after today. He slid out of his tuxedo jacket, letting the material pool at his feet. He made a poor whistle between his lips and was able to locate the snout popping out from under the bed, with the furry tail wag.

“ _Heeeyyy, buuudeee... i's meee..._ ” Jared dropped to one knee, lifting the bottom of the bedspread to find a white underbelly being displayed for his attention. “oh, well... _lah-dee-dah_...” In one quick uptake with his palm, Jared brought the new pup to his chest, loving the feel of the silky short hairs along his neck and open collar. He made drunken baby noises into the soft plushness then pressed a series of kisses to the area closest to his lips.

He spun to plop down on the spring mattress, then slowly fell backward to land on the tangled sheets. He let the puppy rest on his chest as he undid the silk shirt's cuffs. He was sober enough to know he didn't feel like sleeping in the pricey tuxedo shirt. He set the puppy to the side, sitting upright to unbutton and take off the shirt. Huge baby paws kept swiping the air to attack the dangling cuff, but Jared was spry. As he threw the shirt toward the jacket, he was left with his tank-t covering his bare torso. After giving the pup his right hand to play with, he undid his belt one-handed while slipping out of his black leather loafers. Once the belt was gone, he undid the clasp and zipper, hurriedly standing to yank out of the slacks, one leg at a time, then rolled down the silk-blend socks.

He was left in only his boxer briefs and tank-t, drawing his legs up to crawl toward the headboard. He kept patting the spot next to him, to his right, so the puppy could follow. Trouble was the pup still wanted to play—wide awake now—and Jared's eyes were drooping closed and his body was shutting down as he pulled covers over himself and placed his head on the pillows. He sighed in the sweet bliss of his body relaxing. He made a noise under breath as he turned on his right, then promptly got a face-full of wet tongue.

“ _—eccgh_! Really? Seriously?” Jared opened one eye to stare down the animal. “You wanna do this _now_ when I'm half asleep?” He kept his eye on the pup, finding it adorable as if it had heard and understood every single word. Which was strange since the dog's pedigree papers stated its partial deafness.

It suddenly struck Jared that both of them might be feeling rather lonely and it had been unfair of him to pretend all afternoon that he wasn't growing attached to the puppy. Having to “fake play” with the dog once Chad had his quota of women hooked up for the party caused Jared to feel guilty for leading the pup astray. He couldn't abandon the little guy to be sent out for charity, not knowing if he'd be snagged up quickly or wait around for months for a home. Jared reached out to rub the pup's triangle ear, subsequently feeling enough emotion to sweep the animal under his arm, close to his chest to nestle near his body warmth.

He did everything he could, barely awake, to calm the puppy down. Twenty minutes later, it was a success; one huge mammal was asleep with a smaller, furrier mammal huddled into his new master's chest. The pup found himself sensing the room's sleepy atmosphere and he promptly set his head down, sticking his wet snout under his owner's extended hand.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

At some ungodly hour of the early morning, Jared woke to a shrill—yet, muffled—ringing. He rolled over fully, almost landing on his stomach before he popped upright in fear he'd squished the dog. No chance since the spot was empty. Now he had to get rid of the ringing sound.

 _Fuck! His cell!_ In his pants—uh, no, his jeans... wherever they were. Had he brought them into the guest house or left them back at the main house— _fuckfuck_!

Squinting his eyes to adjust to the odd blue moonlight hue-ing the room's interior, he scurried to the end of the bed to only have the ringing stop. “Great...” But once the voice and text were left, Jared could pinpoint where his phone was located.

All his clothes had been piled neatly on a dresser top. The cell had to be in the jean pocket, right where he left it. He pushed off the bed, with bleary eyes, and grabbed the phone. Jared spun to lean on the lower dresser and see who had tried to reach him.

Of course—Sophia—but why the hell had she—? Jared was too wasted to listen to the voice-mail and unsure if his visions would unblur to read text speech. He redialed the number; it was picked up after one ring.

“Soph, what's up?”

“Didn't you—?”

“Just tell me. I'm not in the best of moods.”

“I'm sorry. You sound like you're barely awake.”

“ _Bingo_! Go on, what is it?” Jared pinched the area between his eyebrows, above the bridge of his nose.

“My Theories professor—I have to write three papers disproving or proving three relevant theories that changed the world.”

“And—?” Jared really needed a good smack in the face to wake up. Something Sophia would've been good for.

“Oh, you know how much at I suck at getting my words on paper, past my pen. And, well, you were an English major...”

“Minor.” Jared corrected her with a scratchy throat, then he coughed.

“ _Whatever_.” Sophia's voice was becoming pinched with frustration at Jared's clipped responses. “You know how to write and write perfectly—coherently. I wanted to ask you to lunch, but well... you bailed on me.”

“Are you really trying to get me to proofread your papers at—” Jared glanced, then squinted at the time. “... jesus, Soph, it's 3:06 in the morning...”

“I don't need you for all three, just one.” Sophia scrambled to make excuses with a higher tone of voice. “The first one. It's due tomorrow—or, well... today, in seven hours.”

“You couldn't have called me at a more decent hour?”

“I did, but... you didn't answer your phone.” Sophia had tried him earlier in the evening, not knowing he had been out—on a rare occasion with Chad Michael Murray and Milo. “Where were you? Certainly not near your phone.” She didn't mean to sound jealous, but it was difficult to not be concerned. Especially with the fight they had last and Jared not showing up at the restaurant yesterday afternoon.

“Oh, sorry... I went out with some friends.”

“Who? Milo?” Sophia knew Jared had no one else in his life he called “friend”, other than Milo. Something was _very_ wrong; something was happening she wasn't privy to. She hated being out of the loop after years of knowing everything about Jared' daily routine. “Jared, I'd hardly term him 'friends'. And you probably hung out shooting pool and watching TV.” _Gosh_ , could she really have been _addicted_ to another person like her friends had warned her?

“Well, you'd either be disappointed or impressed. I got all dressed up in a tux and went to a black-tie charity event for the Beacon Foundation.”

Sophia laughed outright, then covered her mouth to think she was being cruel to Jared without cause. “ _Shut the fuck up! No you didn't!_ ”

“Yes, I did.” Jared frowned with a bit of sadness. “Why is that so hard to believe?”

“You're not even— _shit_... that came out wrong. It's not really your scene, Jared.”

“Why not? I behaved. I didn't trip or drool. I spoke English well. I brushed my teeth. I smelled nice and washed my hair. I was good enough to shake hands with the mayor AND the governor.”

“Did you, uh...” This was what Sophia had feared—the moment Jared found another girl to occupy his time with. “... _see_ anyone else?”

“What? Like a, uh... girl or someone equivalent?”

“ _Dammit_!” Now Sophia knew Jared was being intentionally rude to her. “She's still there, _isn't she_? That's why you're being such a hard ass on me.”

“No...” The only thing Jared could think of at the moment was what he had seen at the flea market and then the restaurant. “—the reason I'm being such a 'hard ass' on you is, apparently, I'm not worthy enough to be told the truth. I saw you today—not just at Bachi's, but at the downtown flea market in the park. And... can I assume HE was the WE you were referring to when you coolly made the invitation?”

“You already know me and messages don't mix.”

“Yeah, well... you're shit outta luck 'cuz you and I?—we—don't mix well together.”

“Jared, wait...!”

“Get your new boyfriend to help you. I'm sure he's better than me— _everything_ I'm not.” Jared hit the “end” button then felt his shoulders hunch and his whole body felt drained. Sophia tended to leave him bereft and wanting.

This was usually a good time for hate sex or pity fucks, when the apartment would simmer at a low boil and they'd walk to separate corners. One of them would eventually find the other and a kiss—innocent and tender—would catapult the passion that had once been anger and frustration.

Jared felt the twitch under his tight boxers. “ _... oh, great..._ ” he mumbled as he soothed over his stomach to barely skim the elastic waistband. He closed his lids in slight agony, unsure of how he would exactly go about relieving his aroused state in a house he knew next to nothing about. He doubted he'd find condoms or sexual toys, but it wouldn't hurt to go hunting. Anything to distract himself from the erection building... and the eager puppy trailing his feet in joyous abandon.

Fuck Sophia and her theory de-bunking papers. He hoped she failed and lowered her GPA to such an astounding number, then the school would be forced to expel her. Then she might have to apply to a community college or a beauty school.

Jared felt a spark of bliss at those last options.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **several hours later...**

He seemed to be wide awake for good, unable to fall asleep again even laying as comfortably as he was. When the hour approached six, he opened the sliding glass door and walked down to the expansive stairs to the swimming pool area. The puppy was joyfully on his heels. Jared thought about skinny dipping, but fought against the idea as he felt more compelled to sit on the side of the pool, dangling his lower legs in the water. Thankfully, it wasn't as cold as he had feared it would be.

Not understanding the concept of a pool, even in its gargantuan size, the pup remained curiously watchful as Jared created mini-waves and ripples on the surface while moving his feet. With a calm hand, Jared soothed along the fur-lined spine of the young dog. He found that he couldn't not smile or find his gaze staring rudely to see what the investigative animal would do next.

He surely didn't expect the loud bark, then the dog diving into the water. Without even thinking, Jared slid off the edge and followed into the pool. As he remained afloat, waving arms, he continued to look everywhere below him to the tiled floor of the pool, trying desperately to locate where the puppy was. And even when he was able to see the streak of blond fur mixed with browns, the puppy had torpedoed to the surface with whatever he had found. He was dog-paddling to the shallow end, dragging the soaked item (or items) behind him.

With a quick spring in his step, Jared planted his feet to the tiled flooring and walked toward the puppy. He was smiling and then outright laughing because it was plain as day a bikini or a bra and panties had been left behind. Jared was a little stunned because otherwise the pool was immaculately kept. His own eyes hadn't even seen the discoloration below to know there were clothes at the bottom. He walked back to the guest house, depositing the drenched pup on one of the loungers.

Jared went inside to find a thick towel to help dry the dog. He left the clothes in the tiny kitchenette sink. When he came back out, he was being sprayed with droplets of chlorine water. Jared dropped to his knees and enveloped the small dog under the heavy material. He rubbed and scrubbed as hard as he could to soak up the excess liquid, chuckling deeply, cooing to the puppy as he weakened in the middle of the towel rub-down. The puppy remained in the center of the towel content to rest right where he was, snuggled in the warmth until he dried off.

Resolved that he'd have to return inside alone, Jared left the sliding glass door partly open as he wandered back in. He looked down at his own wet clothes—the tank-t and boxer briefs. He decided to step into the shower to wash off the chlorine. He even wrung out his own clothes so they could dry. Jared had a towel around his waist, strolling around completely naked. He washed out the bra and thong, then hung all the clothing off the back of the kitchen chairs.

He snatched up the phone and went to sit bedside. He used one finger—his thumb—to scroll through an array of screens until he came to the ones telling him if he had a voice or text message from Sophia. He didn't, which should've felt weird but not at the moment.

His mind was wandering over the drunken discussion he had with Chad, while Milo watched on in shock, last night when they had returned to the big house after the charity event dinner and gala. Milo hadn't been aware at any time that Chad and Jared had put aside their differences. Chad had informed Jared that if he still had feelings for his Ex, assured that she still harbored the same, then he should do _whatever_ he could to get her back.

Throwing aside the phone, Jared plopped down on the mattress, staring at the ceiling above. Being a walking-n-talking bona-fide straight guy, his immediate thought was to “woo” her back. Chad had laughed in his face, as did Milo but a bit more quietly. Jared had promptly been told that he didn't seem the romantic type, especially to waste time on such an archaic gimmick as “woo-ing”. Milo could attest to the fact that Jared hadn't even taken the time—in his youth—to seduce his own body or at least follow the natural step of foreplay before he went right into masturbation.

Jared should've been outraged, but Chad and Milo were more right than he wanted to admit. As he had chuckled along with them (even laughing softly now at the memory), Jared had asked what his plan of attack should be. Chad had smirked, elbowing Milo while Milo shrugged his shoulders as if he didn't know what Chad could be up to—no good, it had seemed.

So the idea had been born to... _befriend_ the new guy. And once he had secured a rightful place beside New Guy, then he should invite him to an informal get-together. Chad knew exactly who Jared should introduce to this interloper to get him to consider dumping Sophia. It appeared that both Chad and Milo thought Jared needed fresh solid ground to stand on. Mainly to save his own sanity from getting lost or trapped in his own plan. Jared was a better “friend” than a “boyfriend”; he had much better odds of success if he went with Plan **A**.

Jared had been curious, asking, “ _Is there a Plan B or Plan C to fall back on?_ ” He wasn't sure he could stomach being around another man who Sophia had slept with.

Milo had gone completely silent, while Chad averted his head, chin in hand as if in deep thought. “ _Maybe. Depends if the first plan works or not._ ”

Great. Now Jared had to concoct some lame excuse to bump into New Guy, then strike up a conversation to pretend like they would become fast and close best friends. Well, Chad never said “best” friends. Jared was only assuming that definition. He didn't have many friends he could call his “best”, save Milo. That was only because they had grown up in the same foster system. The minute he had been placed with the same family Milo was in, Jared had learned what true brotherhood would be like. Both of them had been small and lanky—all long limbs and thin, not quite growing into their bodies until they had gotten older.

Milo had become a fast celebrity in his youth at extreme sports; the last two years of high school had been a whirlwind of popularity. Jared had watched in awe at the fame and fortune blindly handed to his best friend and foster brother. They had enough hard-earned cash to leave Texas and go wherever they wanted, on their own at eighteen. They decided to go to California, somewhere on the outskirts of Pasadena. Milo's career skyrocketed while Jared went on into college, taking a path he had once thought impossible.

Through some tricks of fate, Jared found himself learning that his biological sister—along with an older biological brother—had been searching for him for years. Sadly, he could only have a face-to-face meeting with his sister, Meghan, as his brother, Jeff, had been deployed to the Middle East. Reuniting with his siblings had been surreal—Meghan by his side, touching him, while Jeff was able to be with them via a webcam.

Tearing up slightly, Jared rolled over to snag a pillow and rest on his side as the journey in his head drifted into The Sophia Years. He drew his arm up to curl the biceps around his head as his mind conjured up those “honeymoon years” as they had begun to grow closer. Sex had started out sensual, but soon had hit levels of pure passion and desire. Jared had never thought he could feel this type of emotion for a person, much less a girl. He had kept everyone at a safe distance, often hating them on sight until they did something for him to see their worthiness. Sophia had been one of the only people he didn't hate immediately, but he had grown to despise her on some level. She often made him weak and vulnerable, causing him to think he would be unable to go on without her. She was good like that, being so different from other girls that he was unable to find her equal.

Jared felt the tell-tale twitch between his legs, the way his body would perform a physical reaction at the mere mention of her name or some random memory flickering. He rolled onto his back, taking the plushness with him as he tried to smother out his increasing state of arousal. _Fuck!_ No wonder he craved Sophia so much since she had always been his equal partner in bed, taking everything Jared gave to make her... hate him? Had he tried to sabotage his own relationship?

He stretched out both arms on a groan, the pillow falling away to safety. He rose to his elbows to stare down at the bulge under the towel, wondering how he had allowed his cock and libido to run the show. It made him look like the asshole he knew he wasn't. Undoing the tucked-in portion, he opened one draped edge to finally uncover his nakedness and spare his dick a meager glance. The only response was to grow in length and stiffen to lay on the right hip in a curved arch. His balls throbbed with the idea of releasing semen soon, wherever Jared felt like fitting himself inside of... a woman, his hand.

Even if he simply wanted to rub one out with the friction between his body and the bed—he had done that for years as a youth. He hadn't put a hand on his length as he was already feeling like he had to pump his hips, or else. He rose upright, thinking he should just run out to the pool again and go for a cold dip. But the want of a release was heavy as he hadn't jerked off earlier after Sophia's call.

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~... tbc...~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Sophia... _gawhhh_... just the image of her legs spreading open, inviting him in caused him to twitch again. Her tightness, her heat, the moist suction that surrounded him as he'd—and then he promptly rolled over, not caring how he lay to squeeze his cock. He needed release and quick—apparently. The first jolt forced him to bury his face in an arm, bent and curved as a shelter for his shame. His other hand, extending, was curious to know how much better he'd achieve his goal if he found the courage to explore his own sexuality and desire.

What was it like to feel his own body during this heightened state? What would it do to not engulf his hand around his cock and just—?

Jared actually felt the softness of his own skin, the warmth, the light sheen of sweat and the strength and power of his body. He felt bone under meat, could trail a finger along flesh to follow tendons and clasp muscles he never knew he flexed when he—thrust forward mightily, squeezing his ass cheeks. The mere idea of being inside a pulsating cavity, of drawing in to pull out and then— ** _slam!_** —to hear mewls of protest, yet sense tiny hands clenching his torso to draw him closer... _deeper_... fingernail impressions left on his flawless skin.

The dry humping wouldn't be enough, Jared feared. He needed that envelopment around his dick, like a vice that gripped until every last drop of his come oozed out in a rushed flow of sticky wetness. He mirrored his own hands and fingers like how Sophia... _or any woman_... would have touched him and he felt his orgasm rising. He dragged over the pillow, folding it in half, rose off the mattress and penetrated the soft cotton folds. Pushing down to thrust in, he pumped away until he felt a tingling sensation rise from mid-thigh into his scrotal sac, then out through his erect staff. He growled out his intense release, never letting go of the pillow as it didn't return the same reactions a woman would have—the feel of her legs squeezing him, her soft hands on his face, her plump wet lips trailing over his skin as he—

—he stared down to find a rather haunting image of another body under him as he continued to roll his hips at a frenzied pace. Arcing off the mattress, the well-toned muscular body was smaller than his but very unlike any woman's. Flat chest with pert, dusky nipples, a wash-board abdominal wall tapering with soft hairs and glistening with sweat. What lay directly beneath Jared was another cock, erect and flapping with each of his movements. His unfocused gazed moved back up the body to find complete abandon... dark hair in armpits and the most interesting blends of dark and light blond strands of hair on the head.

Jared closed his eyes, almost able to feel the strong, tight clasp of his waist, moving to his rounded backside and quietly demanding on a whisper, “— _harder_ —”

Landing on his elbows, plushness squished to an unrecognizable mound merged with the mattress and tangled sheets, Jared continued to thrust until he released a second orgasm, even more intense and spastic than the last. He lay his upper body down, breathing deeply into his burrow under clean linens and tightened his hands around—nothing. His throat caught, his eyes filling with wetness and becoming itchy. He wiped moisture off his face and rolled over onto his back. The pillow popped up and out in its freedom, sections of the plain white cotton covered in ejaculate and damp to touch. His breathing was labored, his arms and legs felt like Jello, and Jared lay there slowly opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling.

Could've been a fluke. Could've been a trick of light. Could've been that he was selfish enough to imagine making love to _himself_ on some level. But it was the difference in their bodies... the delicate feminine maleness and the cock that looked nothing like his... and that dirty blond, bluntly cut hair spiking off the head... it was like he had an image in his head he couldn't get rid of.

Had he superimposed himself into imagining what Milo's social-sexual life was like—fucking hot men—since his own sex life was for crap? Well, Milo would be fucking Chad or... uh, no... nah, not even close.

No, this had been a figment of his own imagination, conjured up from his own backlog of images and fantasies. He knew he loved Milo in his own way, but there was no desire for a deeper intimacy than “brothers”. Jared was curious to how Milo had kept it hidden from him and how... well, why men seemed a better—logical—answer for him. Hadn't Milo loved women? Jared had thought he knew that for sure.

Jared needed to dress and get out of here—back into the world on his own. Away from Milo, Chad... just this whole idea of putting himself “out there” for a man he knew he had to hate and deceive.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **a reasonable hour of the early morning...**

Jensen couldn't believe his luck when he glanced up and felt his heart leap into his throat. There HE was—that vision of male beauty he must have stared at for hours last night as he developed a roll of film.

 _Jesus_ , the guy looked bed-rumpled and frazzled as if he had worked out before stepping foot in the gym. Why this one? Why did HE have to walk into the gym Jensen frequented? _Shit_ , that was unfair. Jensen didn't own the gym and it wasn't named in honor of him. He just—he hadn't expected to bump into this man so soon.

Trouble was that Jensen had no game, no play, no opening line to start up a conversation. He watched him walk across the floor and head toward the locker room. _Great_! HE had a locker here, so he must use this gym often. Where had Jensen been? And why now— _why freaking now_?!?

Jensen decided to turn back around, face the mirror and do more arm curls, alternating each hand with the fifteen-pound dumbbells. He never looked at his own face in the reflective wall, always able to imagine those biceps and forearms weren't his. This vantage point allowed him to people watch—well, to _guy_ watch, actually. His green eyes keen to every muscle and tendon, the flex of an arm or a thick thigh. He was envious and jealous, having some idea he lacked where others flourished.

Body image—Jensen sucked at it. No matter how fit and tight he became, there was always more to find fault with. He didn't usually last long in this gym's environment, often heading back to the loft to run a few miles around the neighborhood blocks, if he didn't have classes in the morning.

This would be one of those days.

~~&&~~

Jared _loved_ the gym, especially _this_ particular one. Mainly because it was close to downtown, but also just off campus. There was such an eclectic mix of people, but Jared liked watching the college co-eds workout. Their bubbliness often appealed to him and his... arousal. Anything to find motivation to improve on the look of his body. He was on his way to the barbell rack when he stopped short on the carpeting, almost tripping.

 _Holy Christ!—no fucking way!_

New Guy was _here_? New guy was here... _great_.

It was as if fate played him a nasty Joker card, trying to test his willpower and how much he truly loved Sophia. Jared had to admit, from the back, he was less impressed. But when the slumped form straightened to look into the mirror and began the arm curls... Jared almost had a case of the “vapors”. He wasn't sure why he had such a fucked up, screwy image of Sophia's new boyfriend. Once Jared was able to see him in the brightness of an open room, he was stunned to quiet and gaped his lower mouth and jaw.

That hair— _that body_ — _those muscles_ — _all that sweat dripping off the gorgeous well-toned skin_... it was like Jared knew it before knowing the actual man. He spun away and stomped off to a far side of the room.

~~&&~~

Jensen caught the double-take, the startled look and then the sudden about-face. _Man_ , did the guy own the barbells or something? Because Jensen would've moved on if the guy coveted the weights.

From his position at the mirror, Jensen tried to focus on where HE had raged off to. He frowned, brow wrinkling as he spun sideways to shelve the weights and wipe down his face. He pulled on one chord of his ear buds to his MP3 player as he shook out the kinks in his joints and rolled his shoulders and neck.

Jensen spotted him in the far corner of the opposite side of the workout room. He had to laugh because he didn't see himself as that scary to confront. Jensen wandered to the middle row of equipment, this time paying attention to his legs—well, his thighs, actually. Setting the hand towel over his shoulder, he undid the Velcro straps of his half-gloves and clenched and unclenched his hands to dry them off, shaking off the stiffness of his fingers.

Jensen straddled the seat, placing his sneakers on the footpads. He pushed down to see where the resistance was at so he knew how to adjust the weights. He caught the wandering eyes that seemed to find him quite fascinating, thought they looked away whenever he glanced over. Jensen averted his head and smiled. Most guys who cruised him in gyms didn't act this weird—it was refreshing. He smirked to himself, feeling his face go flush. The staring he could sense only made Jensen want to over-extend each and every movement, offering enough tantalizing views of his body since he knew this had to be a fluke.

~~&&~~

Jared really couldn't help himself. For some inexplicable reason he was unable to stop staring. He could see why Sophia would be attracted, but _really_? The guy was obviously picking up on his staring as every move pandered to him. Like the guy knew someone—man or woman—was watching.

What was this guy? Bi? Gay? Just naturally curious? Because he sure wasn't all-the-way straight.

Jared stopped moving and went still, turning away when the equipment the guy was on put him in a precariously intimate position, giving Jared dirty thoughts he didn't need mulling around in his already addled brain. He jumped off the equipment he was on and swung his arms out and around his upper torso.

Okay, time for the weight-lifting bench. Thankfully, Jared was now in the same row as Sophia's boyfriend, just a hop skip and a jump down the line, but out of his direct eye-line.

~~&&~~

Jensen had been laying back on the cushioned seat, enjoying his one-hit-wonders MP3s when he opened his eyes to find HIM gone. Or at least in a different part of the room he couldn't see. He didn't know why he felt sad, a bit rejected, found lacking or the wrong sex... too icky, whatever. There was minor heartache but Jensen knew he'd be fine. Everything else in his life was superb; he didn't need anything new to change the steady momentum.

After his last series of reps, Jensen chose to call it a day and climbed off to wipe over his face with the towel and dried off his hands, taking off his half-gloves for real. Before he could walk away completely, he thought he heard his name.

“ ** _Jen_**!”

“ ** _What_**?!” Jensen saw that one of the personal trainers had been spotting another member, but needed to step away; there was a frantic point down to the person on the bench, then a point to the front desk where a phone was ringing. “ ** _Go_**! ** _I'm already there_**!” He put his gloves back on and popped out both ear buds to pocket his MP3 player. As he neared the weight-lifting bench, Jensen began to recognize the face. _Jesus H—_

“Heyyy...”

Jared couldn't believe his dumb luck. He had some idea “Jen” or “Gen” would be some Amazonian American Gladiator female trainer. “uhh, yeah... sorry...”

“Don't be.” Jensen waved the concern away. He looked at both ends to total the weights. “250?”

“Yeah...” Jared pounded his chest like a gorilla. “It's the nearest I can get to 300.”

“Shit...” Jensen chuckled, scratching at his temple.

“What?” Jared found he felt kind of high looking at “Jen” upside down.

“Nothin', man.” Jensen waved his hand in the air to wave the comment away. “It's an unfair thought.”

Jared squinted one eye up at Jensen. “You underestimate me.”

Jensen held out both hands to call himself out for being a jerk. “See, which is unfair of me 'cuz I don't even know you.”

“It's okay.” Jared couldn't help but smirk, snorting out a soft laugh at himself. “I'm used to the assumption that I'm less impressive with _all_ my clothes on.”

Jensen covered his eyes, embarrassed. “I shouldn't have said anything and just helped you lift.” When he dropped his hand, he saw Jared was beginning to sit upright, unzipping his running jacket, taking off the baggy t-shirt to leave only the black tank-t. _God_... _those arms_... _the broad shoulders and that tapered torso_...

“ _Ah-ha_!” Jared gestured at Jensen with his index finger. “You already can't look away.” He went to lay back, stretching his arms up to spread along the metal bar. He blinked up at Jensen. “Unless you have longer arms than that, I suggest you stand closer.”

“Oh, jesus... sorry...” Jensen gave out a nervous laugh and smile. His right hand hovered over Jared's right, his left poised under the bar. “Ready?”

“Yeah.”

“Wait...”

“What?”

“What's the count?”

“Ten.”

“You sure?” Jensen teased with a light wink.

“I can do twenty, but I'm doing only half so as not to blow your mind away totally.”

Jensen felt like doubling over in laughter. It had been too long since he felt this kind of pure bliss. _Good looking and a sense of humor_ , he was beyond impressed. “Ready?”

“On the count of three.”

“One.”

“Two.”

… and it was by pure chance they both knew to lift _on_ three and not wait to lift _after_ three.

As Jared puffed out each breath, Jensen softly counted the reps... truly stunned when they got closer to ten and there was no sign of needing to stop. At ten, Jensen helped Jared guide the heavy bar and weights back onto their notched perch.

Jared glanced up at Jensen with a twinkle to his eyes. “You?”

“Me? Are you serious?” Jensen scoffed at the near threat. It was a kind thought anyone imagined him being able to lift a hundred pounds, but two-hundred-and-fifty? “I couldn't even lift 200. I like my baby-weights fine, in each hand, on monotonous arm curls.”

Jared spared a glance at those smooth biceps and forearms. “Five. At 150 to 175... and I'll lift _with_ you.” He wasn't trying to hurt the guy, just wanted to see what he was up against.

“Do you know CPR?”

“C'mon...” Jared popped upright again, quickly standing to his great height which made Jensen's eyes widen and face appear more red. “... the rush of adrenaline is pretty trippy. There's nothing like it.”

“How 'bout sex?” Jensen had no idea where that thought came from or why he said it out loud.

“Uh— _what_?” Jared was a bit embarrassed by the question, his gaze moving about the room to see if anyone had caught the words too.

The hell with it, Jensen figured he'd take this thought all the way. “The euphoria and adrenaline is a lot like sex, _isn't it_?” He may have watched a documentary on it—by accident.

“Oh, _sorry_...” Jared made a face as he tried to pull off the extra weights on the bar. “I wouldn't know.” He was such a bad liar.

“Did I just make this— _weird_?” Jensen motioned a finger between them.

“What do you mean?” Jared threw an arm to rest on the metal bar, hand tucked into his hip as he frowned with worry at the guy.

“I tend to say whatever crosses my mind.” There was a reason Jensen kept to himself. “No matter _what_ it is.”

Jared narrowed his gaze, lifting an eyebrow in slight curiosity. “You're stalling.”

“I'm— _chatting_.”

Jared could read the signs of someone who wasn't used to this kind of friendly interaction. It reminded him of his own deficiencies in human interacting. “You wanted to throw me off and make me uncomfortable so I'd walk away from you.”

“ _All right! Okay! I'll lift the damn bar!_ ”

“Oh, _yay_!” Jared did a little clap close to his chest. “It is, by the way.”

“huh?” Jensen was too distracted by other things—like how not to look like a fucking pussy.

“Endorphins from working out _are_ every bit like sex.” _Ha!... take that Sophia's new boyfriend..._

“mmm...” Jensen tried to figure out a way to straddle the bench and then lay back.

Jared was a little miffed the response didn't have the kind of reaction he was expecting. Well, shit...

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Jensen had left him at the weight-lifting bench, heading to the locker room to shower. He didn't want to take the chance of going all the way to the loft and the bathrooms be occupied. He found the furthest positioning in the wide open shower room, thankful there were higher walls—about four feet tall—sectioning each area and blocking some view of nudity. Every time he heard a faucet turn on or a voice speak, he looked over his shoulder to see if that over-long, shaggy brown-haired hottie followed him in. No chance. And Jensen wanted to quickly soap up and wash his hair in order to not miss a thing if there was a second moment he could talk to HIM. Actually learn his name this time.

Securing the towel around his waist, he let his shorn locks air dry as he picked up his things, sliding his feet into cheap flip-flops. As he wandered out of the shower, he made his way to the farthest, loneliest corner of the locker room. No one ever used them because it was easier to take the other spots closer to the front door and shower stalls. He heard an influx of male voices, dirty language and swear words, then lots-n-lots of raucous laughter. He winced a couple of times when he heard words like “tits” and “ass” and the always charming “pussy”. There were battles on cock size and sexual prowess, and even which female gym member appeared to be easy conquests and possible great lays.

It turned Jensen completely off, thankful he wasn't in the middle of all that, having to pretend to join in. He put his deodorant on, then took out a clean pair of briefs, putting them on under the towel. He set his towel to hang off the locker door to dry and then pulled on his jeans. He plopped down on the long wooden bench to don the denim, one leg at a time. He quickly stood to slide the material over his ass when he moved to sit on the bench again and found he wasn't alone.

~~&&~~

Jared had debated with himself on whether he should snag the opportunity now or later. Did he still want to wallow or was he willing to start winning back Sophia? He decided to cut his workout short as curiosity got the better of him.

Jared assumed “Jen” had bolted out of the gym while he wasn't looking, because he hadn't been in the showers and nowhere in the midst of the front set of lockers. As he sighed with the knowledge he would have to do this “meeting” all over again another day, Jared trudged to the farthest row of lockers where he'd taken his old end unit. He liked it back here; it was less crowded and rowdy. Right now, there were only two guys, and one had gotten up to leave as he opened his combination lock. He sat down to undress, cautiously glancing over to see if either guy was looking.

That was when Jared learned he had freaked out too soon about “Jen”; he still had a chance to improve on his first impression. When those sharp green eyes caught his gaze, he felt a weird leap fill his chest, making him smile rather charmingly. “I thought I was the only one who liked the dark recesses of the locker room.”

“Nope. Sorry.” Jensen smiled easily, lifting up one corner of his mouth. “You aren't as unique as you thought.”

Jared held up a thumb and index finger an inch apart. “Not even a little bit?”

“All right...” Jensen chuckled, sliding his head through the collar of his t-shirt and then tugging it down his bare torso. “... I'll allow it but you can't hog anymore.”

There was a round of laughter in the distance that caused both men to close their eyes and bear the shame of their own sex's childishness.

“ _Jesus_... does it have to be this way _every_ time?!” Jared yanked out his bag, shoving dirty clothes in but reluctantly taking clean clothes out.

Jensen frowned, packing his own bag with his dirty clothes. “Are you okay?”

“It's dumb.” Jared shook his head. “I should feel less nervous an' intimidated than I do.”

Jensen narrowed his eyes on Jared's bent head as it dawned on him what was meant. “I can stay with you, if you—”

“Nah, I don't wann—”

“You won't.” Jensen sat down on the bench.

“And— _what_?” Jared snickered as he shook his head in a quick refusal. “You'll hold my hand while I shower and you're clothed?”

Jensen chuckled as he thought about making another offer that would seem a bit too creepy. “Not exactly. But I wouldn't be far. A quick in and out. I can stand 'guard'.”

“Thanks, but, nah. I'll just go back home and take a cold shower.”

Jensen found that odd to hear. “Did you forget to pay your bills?”

“Broken pipes. They won't be repaired by my landlord until—Friday, I think.” Jared cleared his throat. “I got another place I can use but it's further away. I'll have to cab it.”

Jensen now had a logical opening to make his offer. “I have a shower. Two. And a bath tub. I don't live far, if you don't mind the walk.”

Jared was downright flabbergasted. He'd given “Jen” every way out of being friendly and he had done whatever he could to make Jared's hardships a little easier to bear. “You look like you're ready to start your day. It's not right for me to impose.” He was going to try again, this time for his own sanity because he knew he couldn't start this thing... and consider hurting another person. “It's not your fault I have no hot water and I'm a pussy under all this machismo.”

“Eh, I don't think you're a pussy. If you are, then so am I.” Jensen moved to straddle the bench, pulling his bag close to his body. “Why do you think I started getting here earlier in the day?”

“You _really_ don't mind?”

“No. I don't.”

“But you don't even know me.”

Jensen extended out a friendly hand. “Jensen Ackles.”

“Jared.” Jared smiled, taking the offered hand. “Padalecki. Jared Padalecki.” He waited a beat or two for the joke or the tease, when none came he had to take a hard swallow. No one ever simply took his odd name in stride without making some off-hand remark.

Jensen moved back to his locker to pull down his favorite zippered hoodie. “I have to warn you... I don't live alone.” He talked as he closed up his bag and cleaned around his area. “I rent a loft with several people—I've lost count 'cuz it changes every week. It's two floors, all interconnected like a huge house.”

Jared nodded his head, standing to shut his locker door and redressing in his t-shirt and zippered running jacket. “Which is why you have two showers and a tub.” As he slung the strap of his bag over his head and across his chest, he turned to notice the back of Jensen's hoodie.

It read— **ASK ME WHAT I'M DOING TONIGHT?** The design was done up like a famous quote and the name of the person who had said those specific words. All of it was fake, though, based off of a popular TV show Jared had a guilty pleasure for.

Jared couldn't believe his luck. He tried to keep his genuine excitement from bubbling over. But now he had the perfect “ice breaker” to genuinely start a friendship up with Sophia's boyfriend, “Are you a Deserter?”

Jensen stood straight from bending over his bag and swiveled to face Jared. “Yes, I am. Are you?” It was the exact response he was supposed to give to other “fans”.

“Fuckin' A, I am.”

They both stared at one another, unable to look away and not stop smiling like kids.

“I thought ** _I_** was the only fan of that show around here.”

“I thought ** _I_** was.” Jared was dumbstruck that he had found a fellow fan in Jensen. It was too uncanny. “How long have you been watching?”

“Since the web series online.”

“Oh, man, see...” Okay... now Jared knew Jensen was a fan, because he had heard that the show he loved had a start online, not on television. Only the die-hard fanatics knew this fact. “I didn't start until I saw the commercials on TV. It didn't take me long to get hooked as I was a prior fan of 'Lost'.”

“It's so much better than 'Lost', I think. I was an old fan too, until I saw _this_ show.” Jensen shook his head in wild amazement. “Do you know how long I've waited to find another Deserter?”

Jared felt an instant spark of wanting to “like” Jensen, just for this reason alone. “If I took a random guess, I probably would be right on the nose.”

“Well, you have met the right fan, if you wanna know anything and everything about the show—episodes, cast, characters, timelines, scripts... uh, future plans for Season 3 and a possible second one for the web-series.”

“Dude... I've never missed an episode...” Jared hung off of the strap across his chest, moving his body in those animated ways when he became overly-excited about something he talked about. “... and I'm still confused. But I _love_ it.”

Jensen nodded his head. “I have a very rare DVD set of the web series. It's actually a screener copy; it's the footage they have before it's taken to a sound editor, who adds extra vocals, sound tracks and music. I won it from a fan auction online.”

Jared folded his arms over his chest, tucking his hands away under his arms. “What were your plans for today?”

“Well, since I don't have any classes, I was going to drive around and take some pictures. I'm a local photographer. Although I'm a student now, I freelance to earn the practice and experience.”

“I need to see those 'sodes, like ASAP.”Jared glanced at his watch. It was still around the breakfast hours. “We could, uh... order food and bring it back or... stop off at a grocery store, if your roomies horde all the food before you can get to it.”

Jensen narrowed his gaze on Jared. “Why don't you let me handle things from now on. Since I'm the seasoned fan and you're still a newbie... I'll take you under my wing and show you the way. Agreed?”

“You had me at ' _hey_ '...”

Jensen went still for a second, sensing a rather strange feeling overcoming him as Jared made such an off-handed comment about the actual first word he had said to him only an hour or so ago. He let Jared pass him by as they walked out of the locker room together.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **next day, later in the mid-afternoon...**

Jensen rolled over, facing away from the back cushion of the futon in the second floor living room. He did a simple glance around to overview the space, locating the strange new body laying below him on the floor. The arm was clutching numerous pillows to soften his reclined position on the cool hardwood flooring. Jensen tucked his arms under his body, bringing his left arm up to use three fingers to silence his mouth as he coughed, stretched and yawned. He blinked to focus and get his head on straight as he attempted to curb his want to smile.

Jensen had been disheartened when Jared had cut their time short last night, claiming that it was almost a requirement that he show up to this party he apparently didn't want to go to. Not only because he had some fear he was being set-up with a “cool chick”, but he really wanted to finished the DVD marathon of the entire web-isodes for “Deserted.

A soft sneeze filled the room and Jensen was about to “bless” Jared when he realized the sneeze actually belonged to the adorable pure-bred mutt cradled between Jared's belly and the wall of plushiness. Jensen smirked as he remembered Jared's arrival at the gym this morning with the pup and a larger duffel bag in hand. Jared had no commitments and all the time in the world; he would be Jensen's new bunkmate for however long it took to watch the show.

At first, Jensen had been disquieted, his heart racing because he never envied an animal more than he did that puppy—which was ridiculous. But it sent him back to the moment when he'd felt this weird tingling to his body for Jared—at the flea market when he didn't know him, watching him pick up women.

The view had at the moment caused him to chuckle. Jensen had found that in the middle of his boring weekly market shoot, he couldn't help snapping away at Jared and his other two male friends—who he later learned were Milo and Chad. The pictures he had taken wouldn't go to the city or town paper, but his personal portfolio. Even when he'd been informed that Chad was actually the son of The Murrays, who were well-known around Roseville Heights, that hadn't been who Jensen was interested in.

Jensen couldn't help himself, his hand started itching and he felt the urge to snap a few shots of the puppy and his sleeping giant of an owner. He was stunned that even as huge and bulky as this old futon couch was, Jared took up every bit of floor space below. Jensen would have to formulate a silent, secretive climb over either end of the structure or take a chance jumping over the massive glob of bendy, flesh-made being beneath him.

Thankfully, the pup wasn't excitable—Jared had informed him of the partial deafness. Jensen had been told of the dog's aquatic deftness too, which had earned him the temporary name of Cousteau—“Steau” for short. It seemed that Jared, who was without a permanent residence at the moment, was still noncommittal about keeping the animal as a pet. Though the dog truly belonged to Chad, Jared wasn't too certain the puppy would find a good home, unless he handled the transition personally. And since the break-up with his last girlfriend, Jared saw it as a chance to finding recovery of a broken heart and a companionable source of entertainment.

Jensen was noticing that Steau was proving to be a formidable watchdog. Those keen deep brown eyes witnessing every move. When Jensen had successfully scaled over Jared's form, Jensen scooped the puppy with one hand and brought him along to find his camera. Also he was going to find some snack-sized food to munch on. Jensen had seen Jared leave Steau on counters and table surfaces, and there was no movement from the puppy to explore or jump down. So as he set the strap of his camera around his neck, Jensen opened the fridge of the second floor kitchen to locate meat, water bottle for Steau and a juice for himself. He thought about a drink for Jared, then declined his own question. Jared could use the dog's water. He was in the middle of feeding Steau ham and beef cubes—mashed from his own mouth—when he heard the cough and movement from the living room. Jared was waking up from his nap.

Jensen set Steau on the floor, picking up a tiny bowl to carry with him into the living room. He stood as close to Steau as he could, without stepping on him and whistled to direct him with the sides of his calves to walk along with him. Jensen was impressed with the pup's other heightened senses that covered the one lame ear's inability to hear “calls” to obey. He pat himself on the back as he had never owned a pet before in his life. Not that Jensen had been forbidden to, but after losing his parents at such a young age he had gone to live in an immaculate home of his father's parents, who had been too old to care for much more than themselves. It was a blessing they had even seen fit to take in Jensen and his younger sister, Mackenzie.

Jensen found himself staring down at the puppy and feeling his heart crack open. After years of iciness to anything sweet or touching, there was something about Cousteau that shifted his thoughts. Thinking that the young puppy's struggle mirrored his own all those years ago when he had been stripped of everything he had known in his old life. He didn't know how Mackenzie remained so bubbly or still connected to their one remaining grandparent. Not that Jensen had been selfish or unfeeling, but that too much feeling overwhelmed him and sent him into panic mode. A panic mode of pulling away and shutting down. It was easier to keep people at a distance—just in case.

Jensen saw some hesitation in Steau's moves, especially toward Jared's large feet. He dropped to one knee, placing an elbow on a bent leg to line-up a great shot of puppy and human in his view finder. He couldn't not smile, his face hurting from the sugary-sweetness. Jensen didn't want to force the dog to interact, so his next bet was to wake up the sleeping giant. He shifted positions on the floor, moving to lean on the futon's left armrest near Jared's feet.

His eyes were trained on socked feet up a tapered jean-clad leg to arrive at the V-d area of the crotch. The denim was well-worn and faded, deep grooves of crinkling shading the creases of the hips. Jensen had never paid attention to a guy's shape, only how his own lacked the same impressive appearance. The jeans weren't tight, just barely loose enough to shape every inch of solid male form. The thickness of the button-fly (or zipper) crotch belied what could lay underneath. Jensen tried not to stare too long to find out.

What he had to love about Jared sleeping was his wild abandon in slumber, like the only time he felt true peace and calm—a rightful comfortableness—was in dreams. Jensen envied that ability; he cat-napped in chunks of time. Every little noise making him shoot upright to wake. He couldn't recall the last time he slept for longer than four hours. He'd perfected his daily routine to run on as little sleep as possible, like something tragic would happen if he wasn't awake for most of the day.

As Jared woke up, he rolled onto his back. He stretched and repositioned himself to find contentedness on the cushioned floor; one arm went above his head, the other settled at his side to lay palm flat on his mid-chest. His t-shirt had drawn up on one side and there was a gaping hole in the armpit of the right sleeve. Whatever logo had been on the soft cotton had been laundered to vanishing. What struck Jensen the most was how simple male beauty could improve when not in motion, devoid of any sign of consciousness. How a jaw could look stronger, a mouth seemed much more delectable and wisps of shorn brown locks tangled about on pillow covers could make his fingers twitch.

 **I WANT THAT—I WANT HIM.**

Jensen had known even before learning who Jared was that he wanted to be in his presence, in whatever capacity possible. He felt safer behind his lens, using his sharp eyes to trail over exactly where he'd want to put his own hands or the barest of touches from open lips. He had no idea where these sensations were coming from, because he'd never thought of other men in that way. He had been friendly to them in his old career, but for the most part had never made a single long-lasting best friend. Because of Mackenzie, Jensen felt better about himself around girls—women. He was unaware of his long staring until his own green eyes caught deep-set hazels that gazed at him with the turn of a head.

“How long've I been out?”

Jensen pretended to be fiddling with his camera. “You were out before I could put in the second DVD.”

“Jesus...” Jared yawned, stretching again and then turned his face to bury under his raised biceps. “... man, my apologies...”

“Jared...”

“No, no...” Jared lifted both arms to stretch and arch his back, unaware of side-long glances at him or his body. “I have a confession.” _Jesus..._ so much had changed in the span of twenty-four hours.

“You do?” Jensen smirked with one side of his mouth raising in mirth.

“I haven't been sleeping well since—uh, since...” Jared was stunned that this was even in him to foolishly admit to out loud. Like Jensen would care.

Jensen could practically hear the tone in Jared's voice. “Your break-up?”

“Nah, but good guess.” Jared let out a soft snicker as he pointed at Jensen. “It's gotten worse though.”

“Worse?” Jensen wasn't sure he wanted to hear this “confession”.

This time Jared rolled his body over onto the left side, hugging pillows to his chest. “I had terrible sleeping patterns as a kid.” He kept his cheek plastered to the pillowcase, staring down at Jensen over his bunched biceps. “Agonizingly shy and basically worried over everything. I was better once I found a permanent home, after years of being in the foster care system.”

Jensen swallowed hard, blinking slowly. “You were adopted?”

“Yeah?”

“What age?”

“Six or seven.” Jared asked once he saw how Jensen kept averted his head. “Why?”

“I lost my parents when I was twelve.”

Jared went quiet, no movement, not even a single breath. “I've never tell anyone that stuff right away. I have to know you longer—well, longer than 24hrs.”

Jensen felt like making his own confession, something along the lines of feeling like he'd seen Jared or had known him for a long time. “I've never known anyone long enough to tell them about my childhood.”

Jared stared thoughtfully at Jensen. “I appreciate your honesty.

Jensen kept his eyes closed for a bit, his heart wanting to beat out of his chest. He decided to take a chance. “This is the most comfortable I've been with someone in _years_.”

“Really? What about—?” Jared pointed out the huge loft around them.

“It's easier to live here with the revolving door of roommates. I don't depend on anyone and they don't depend on me.”

“Just you?”

“huh?”

“Only child?”

“No. Baby sister.” Jensen finally raised his eyes to look at Jared. “You?”

“Milo... you know the best friend I mentioned who works for Chad Murray?” Once Jared had Jensen's nod of understanding, he went on, “—he was sent to our home first, then I came in; our foster parents adopted both of us. But when I least expected it, my biological older sister found me, and then she brought in my older brother.”

“Wow...” Jensen was completely stunned into speechlessness. He thought his life was weird—one roller coaster after another.

“... yeah, trippy, 'cuz for so long I felt like I had no one. Then suddenly I had more than enough to too much. Luckily, I didn't have to choose either/or. I could still consider my adoptive parents Mom and Dad and my sister and brother wouldn't freak out on me.”

“Eh, that was decent of them. I don't know what I would've done had Mackenzie and I been split apart.”

“I don't know. You seem fine to me.”

“I'm not.” Jensen shook his head to stress his own opinion on himself. He knew what a freak he was, no one had to tell him.

Jared frowned unsure if he wanted to know the reason. “You're a good lookin' guy, have a decent place to live, a great job... probably have a smokin' hot girlfriend who tends to your every whim.”

“That's just it.”

“ _What_?”

“Life is—it feels too perfect.” Jensen shook his head, stretching out his hand to Steau who was advancing toward him. “Like the other day... I could very well have easily caved and let her stay here with me. I like being with her. She gets along with everyone...”

“But...?”

“—yeah, I lied to her to be alone. I felt—or I feel—I begin to feel suffocated and she really doesn't do anything to make me fear her. It's my own hang-ups.”

“You love her?” Jared was starting to wonder, because Jensen seemed to be a pretty solitary guy. Like he was stuck in bachelorhood.

“Of course.” Jensen felt like that didn't sound genuine. “Yes, I do. She's great. I've known her almost a year. We took a class together—two different classes, half a semester each—but it was the same topic. She's gorgeous, she's attentive and loving... and...”

“—good in bed...” Jared filled that blank reluctantly.

“See...” Jensen shook his head, feeling his face go a bit flush with red. “—no, I don't know.”

Jared's jaw almost hit the floor. “What? Dude, are you a vir—?”

“Oh, hell no!” Jensen shoved at Jared's leg. “I've been with girls—women. I just haven't been with _her_.”

Jared bit the inside of his cheek. “... _whoa_... that could be your problem right there.” He had to wonder if this Plan A would go off without a hitch with just a few practiced steps toward making Jensen cave into his own... temptations. Jared simply had to learn what those would be.

“It isn't.”

“What exactly do you mean?”

“She's everything I could want in a partner. She—we look good together.”

“Jen...”

“I'm not... attracted to her in THAT way.”

What the hell? Jared was beyond astounded by this conversation. He might not have to drag this out for too long. “Sexually?”

“Yes.”

“But you feel attraction to _other_ women?” Jared wanted Jensen to say “yes” but then... deeper inside, he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

“I don't know, I guess.” Jensen shrugged one shoulder. “I figured we worked hard at being together. There was initial chemistry, but...”

“—it fizzled”

“Eh, something like that.”

“Do any of your friends know any women?”

“No. I don't have any.”

“Any— _what_?”

“Friends.”

“Jesus, Jen...” Jared pushed upright off the floor to scoot closer to Jensen. He bent his knees slightly to pull them to his chest, wrapping his arms around his knees.

“I know. Save the monologue. I already know how pathetic and lame I sound.”

Suddenly, Jared felt like petting Jensen's ego, building up his self-esteem. He sounded too much like the chattering that resounded in Jared's own head. “You're talkin' to a guy who feels closer to his adopted brother, and best friend, than his own family. I don't like most guys and, well... I'm starting to think I had a one track mind toward women. Probably why my girlfriend dumped me for a guy who could give her what she wanted.” Jared narrowed his eyes onto Jensen's bowed head. He felt awful for being so relieved. “I met a pretty amazing girl last night.”

“Uh-huh...” Jensen could care less.

“Her name's Katie.”

“That's nice.”

“Jensen...”

“Jared, look...”

“A harmless get-together. She's cool with _whatever_. I'm fairly certain she was there to meet me, under the guise of one of Milo's friend's little sister or some contrived bullshit like that.”

“I've already got someone.” Jensen didn't want to seem rude, but he was starting to feel really uncomfortable. “Thanks.”

“I said she was amazing because...” Jared wasn't lying about the party last night. He had enjoyed himself too much. He couldn't help think that Chad had been fucking brilliant to introduce them. “She couldn't have been less interested in me or Murray's impressive party skills if it all had caught on fire and she was holding the water hose.”

“You still hung out with her, right?” _Why, oh why, did Jensen feel a bit jealous_? Not for Jared being in the company of a young woman, but of the young woman being in Jared's company...

“Oh, yeah... I hate clingy chicks. She—Katie—she laid out all her cards on the table.”

“You like _that_?”

“Someone who doesn't fuck around and coddle me with words? Fuck yeah, it's hot.”

“If you say so.”

“She's not a slut.”

“I didn't say she was.”

“She was legit-ly cool and... she has this weird kink.”

“What?” Jensen couldn't help smirking, only because of the animated way Jared talked about her. “I'm almost afraid to ask.”

“She likes gay guys.”

“Oh? Well, that's kind of her.”

“No. She _likes them_ -likes them. As in, she'll date them and their boyfriends to get off.”

“That's... unhealthy.” Jensen expected to look at Jared and get a hearty laugh. Instead, he found eyes concentrated on his face. “ _What_? What is it?”

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~... tbc...~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

“I liked her, Jen.” Jared was starting to get a weird vibe off of Jensen, like he was beginning to feel offended. “I really think you'll like her too.”

“I know. You said that before you—- _wait_ , did you—-?” Jensen surely didn't want to meet a chick that Jared had just tossed to him after he slept with her. No... just—-no...

“An innocent conversation.” Jared held out his hands, palms out, to defend his platonic ways, though he had been tempted. Then left to return to the Murray mansion's guest house and deflower his pillow. “I felt I had to take an opportunity before it slipped away.”

“So... you didn't fuck her?”

“No, but... she's really eager to meet you—-and me—-we—-together.” Jared watched Jensen stand in a flourish of movement to turn his back. “I'm sorry.” He was using his hands in big movements to explain himself. “You were my next available choice. She already knows Milo and I hate Chad.”

“That's not it.” Jensen mumbled, unraveling the camera strap from around his neck.

Jared was up on his socked feet, slowly nearing Jensen. “What's wrong then?”

“It's stupid.” Jensen shook his head, letting out a soft laugh at himself.

“Nothing you tell me is stupid, Jen. I promise you.”

Crossing arms over his chest, Jensen tucked hands under his biceps. “It's good... this friendship between us.” He gestured in a sweeping motion toward Jared, then back to his own chest. “I guess I...” Jensen smoothed his palm flat down his shirt. “—I had a _different_ idea about what that meant. Not that I'm possessive or whatnot. I jus'... I handle things best _one on one_. For a while, at least. I would've liked to have it be just, uh... us.”

Jared averted his head, taking a hard swallow as he tucked his hands in his back pockets. He cleared his throat. He was going to go out on a limb here and expose himself to his barest revelations. “You think you're the only one who feels alone—-ashamed of how anti-social you seem in a town this small where everyone's nose is in your business?” Jared touched his own chest, then tucked one hand in his jean's front pocket. “I'm just as scared as you are. Should I tell you how long it took me to approach Katie? It's not easy for me either, Jen. In fact, it's harder since I don't even consider my heart repaired the way it should be.” _Jesus_... that wasn't a lie.

“ _shit..._ I'm sorry. I had a minor freak out.” Jensen tried to smile, but it didn't completely fill his whole face.

“No, no... I want that. I want you to do that with me since you can't do it with anyone else who'll understand like I do.” Jared wandered over to step into the kitchen, leaning against the island. “It's a harmless ploy to get to know a really cool young woman who might not act on sexual urges. Just gets her kicks on being with two men she only has to think or imagine are together when she's not around.”

“We just have to meet her?” Jensen moved to stand between two of the breakfast stools as he dug through mail. “Nothing _has_ to happen?” He kept looking up at Jared under long, curled lashes.

“Look, if you have a better chance than I do, I won't stand in your way.” Jared backed up so he could rest his forearms on the counter-top. It immediately brought him closer to Jensen—-right near his left arm. “If you finally feel the urge, fulfill it. I can't imagine how sexually frustrated you've become since—-well, you know...”

Jensen kept his crass humor to himself, feeling a little embarrassed. “This loft is not a prime location for intimate solitude.”

Jared went into deep thought. “I'm assuming you mean masturbation.”

“I do.”

“How long?” Jared tangled his fingers, making his index fingers shape into a point.

“huh?” Jensen lifted his head to gaze down at Jared.

“Since you ' _hit a home run_ '.”

Jensen chuckled deeply. “Do I get to count the quickies in the shower?”

“At the gym?”

“ _Fuck no! Here, you—-Jared!_ ” Jensen picked up something to throw it at Jared, who deftly caught the object.

Jared hoped what paper he'd been thrown was trash because he crumpled it into a ball and tossed it in one hand. “We're both young, healthy men, Jen, there's no shame in what we do to alleviate arousal.”

“I see what you're saying.” Jensen shook his head at how freely he was opening up to Jared after such a short time of knowing him. “I want there to be another way.”

“There's no harm in trying. And seriously, I'll be the only one who knows the truth. I've kept many a secret to myself.”

“Oh? Like what?”

“Well, I—” Jared had to pause before he realized Jensen's trap. “oooo, good one. You almost got me.”

Jensen chuckled, with a jolt to his body. “You're too easy. Plus you're a bit too rambly when you're excitable.”

Jared went still, looking around slyly as if he had to keep a cool and collected head with wandering eyes and ears around this loft. “Uh-oh, did I over-share anytime in the last two days?”

“Maybe. I don't know.” Jensen smiled with an authenticity he hadn't felt in such a long time. “I like it, though. Makes me feel less nervous and self-conscious.”

“I tend to 'geek out' on shit like that. I had even stranger habits in childhood.”

“I was never a 'fan' of much.” Jensen knew Jared was talking about how talkative he had been all day yesterday while they watched the TV show. “I don't know, the older I become, the more I chase those childish ways.”

Jared looked down at his feet where Steau had now approached. He bent to under-grip the puppy in his arms. “But see... I like that. I've had to be an adult most of my life. I prefer this way.”

“Okay, so if we're both agreeing to be immature, doesn't mean we have to take an innocent victim with us.” Jensen reached out to pet the top of Steau's head. “Even if you don't plan to keep him, you still need to think about caring for him. You got anything planned for today?”

“No. I'm free. Why?” Jared furrowed his brow, having to take a step back as Jensen didn't seem to move away.

“We can't take your bike. I got a car.”

“What? Are we going shopping?”

“I can clear my day. That's the perks of a freelance artists.”

“You're already smitten.” Jared could see that Jensen couldn't take his eyes off Steau. “For the first time in your life you're caring about someone from knowing absolutely _nothing_ about them.”

“He's me—-he's us. I mean, look at him...” Jensen knew how close he was standing with Jared, so he kept his head bowed as he talked. “—he's a purebred who has flaws because he's been tainted by a mutt. Someone tried to sell him off as worthwhile, but he'll always be that .05% he's not.” Periodically, he'd look up at Jared, from under lowered lashes. “How can you not see the similarities and not want to do something?”

Jared smiled gradually, dipping his head. “Damn, I thought I was the only one who felt that way.”

Jensen smirked, finding the moment easier to handle when he was _this close_ to Jared. It was even easy to transition from petting the dog to touching the bare forearms. He felt muscles flex under his grip. “We both start off small, work our way up to real people. Reorient ourselves to human interaction.”

“I stink.”

“Uh—- _wha_ —?” Jensen felt like bursting out in laughter, unsure if Jared was making a comment about his personality or... something else.

“Shower. I should shower. I still have my workout sweat on.”

“I can't smell it.”

“I can.” Jared transferred Steau into Jensen's arms. “I feel icky.”

Jensen gestured to the doorway that led to the bathroom. “You know where everything is. And if you need a place to change, you can use my bedroom.”

“Thanks, man.”

“Please... you don't have to thank me every single time. You're my guest; I want you to feel at home.”

“Still, though, you're being decent about this and way-more accommodating than you need to be.”

“That's what friends do, right? Or at least that's what I hear.”

“Uh, yeah... _friends_.” Jared turned to walk toward his bag. As he dug through the contents, he looked at Jensen across the loft space. “You know, there's plenty of guys out there that are ten times better than me. You might wanna think about giving _them_ a shot.” Once he had a change of clothes in his arms, he swiveled back to Jensen. “Don't sell yourself short. From what little time I've been with you, you're an amazing person and you'd make anyone an excellent best friend.”

Jensen took the comment in stride, only nodding his head. “Go shower, Jared.” When Jared disappeared behind the door, Jensen found himself unable to move. He hugged the puppy to his chest, burying his face in soft fur. He closed his eyes and tried not to imagine what Jared would look like unclothed, under the shower spray and drenched in sudsy liquid. “ _... damn..._ ”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Jared needed the separation of a wall and a door to gather himself together. He still needed that shower but he needed breathing space more. Ever since that image of the strange blond man under him, he couldn't stop thinking that he'd mistakenly projected Sophia's boyfriend's face—-Jensen—-as it had struck him as being more handsome and a better person than him. So many times he wanted to take pleasure in learning Jensen's flaws and being able to exploit them to his advantage. But the more he spent time with Jensen, got to learn who he wasn't and who he truly was, Jared found himself helpless to feeling that same hatred and defiance against trying to like the man Sophia was in love with. He actually began to _want_ this friendship to be real.

That moment out there, able to talk to someone who had as fucked up a childhood as he had, he finally could identify with another man. He loved Milo, loved being a part of their family and his best friend, but sometimes Milo didn't understand. Milo had taken off with his career, building a separate life, leaving Jared no other option but to weaken and cling to the nearest person—-Sophia. Jared hadn't been able to reclaim that same special place in Milo's life, which was probably why Milo had kept his sexuality a secret.

Jared didn't know how he was supposed to feel about that. He wanted Milo to be happy, so he was willing to open his mind a bit broader. He wondered if he had Milo on his mind to the extent where he questioned his own sexuality. Jared had been a passionate lover and an attentive, somewhat obsessive boyfriend. He had enjoyed Sophia's company to a certain degree, loved everything about her that made her attractive to him. Once in bed, though, he soon discovered that there was a disconnect. He saw body parts that made her a woman: the ample tits, the curvy hips to small waist, the trimmed pubes and the folds of flesh wet with arousal. He'd slip inside with ease and his mind would shut down, his body would shut down.

The mechanics of sex with a woman was easy. The longer you were with her, one learned exactly what made her pant and moan, what made her giggle and cant and what caused her to eventually shred to pieces underneath you. Jared knew he would follow with his own eventual release, but it was weird to feel empty inside, devoid of any feeling in that very moment. He'd get pissed, angry... climb off Sophia and wish to just crawl away and die. But soon, in post coital bliss, she'd roll over to his side and attempt to ease him down and start him back up. He never knew how he stopped himself from pulling away from her completely. He didn't hate Sophia, he hated what she turned him into. Sex was no longer for pleasure, but for relief and satiation, so tired of feeling nothing to finally feel something to only find yourself vacant and alone, emptier than before.

Jared moved to turn the knobs of the shower on, setting the curtain around the porcelain edge. As he undressed, he took a minute to peruse the bathroom, trying to discover which stuff belonged to Jensen.

~~&&~~

Jensen didn't know what he was expecting once Jared popped out of the shower, but it surely wasn't a half-naked body wrapped in a towel. He watched Jared tiptoe out, dripping water droplets in his trail.

“I forgot underwear.” Jared went over to the unzippered bag and rifled through the clothes. “ _oh, fuck, man_! Seriously Padalecki... you really _did_ forget your underwear.”

Jensen thought it was comical the way Jared talked to himself. He ventured over, pressing a hand to Jared's lower back. “Dude, I've got plenty. We look the same size.”

“We need to buy me underwear.”

“No, we don't. You have one pair and I've got a drawer full.” Jensen took off for his bedroom.

Jared followed but only to the doorway. “It's like a fuckin' broken record, but thanks.” He took the offered pair of cotton briefs and spun around to head back into the bathroom. “I'll be out in five minutes.”

The bathroom door was closed, but left open part-way... so they could talk.

Jensen leaned on his bedroom door's door-jamb, finding that he had missed Jared's company. “Take your time. We have all day.” He furrowed his brow. “You going out tonight?”

“Nah, man... why?”

“No reason. When were you going to fix us up with that girl... Katie.”

“Not for another day or so.” Jared swung the door wide open and sauntered out of the steam. “Is there a rush to get this over with?”

“No, not really.” Jensen grinned with a bit of pleasure at seeing a freshly-showered Jared. “I just wanted to know how long I had you.”

Jared kept his head high, looking down at Jensen with a devious look to his eyes. “Getting tired of me?”

“No.” Jensen's face became serious. “I wanted to know how long I had left until the world knocked on our door.”

Jared leaned back on the wall, not prepared for the words pouring out of Jensen's mouth. “Are you sure I'm what you want, or need, in a friend? Because I'm liable to take advantage of this at some point and cause you to regret this decision.”

“I had that moment and it passed.” Jensen gave Jared a pretty long once-over, finishing the glance with a solid nod. “I think you'll do.”

“Good. I'm glad.”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **an hour later...**

To anyone's eye, catching sight of the two young men inside the Pet Emporium warehouse would've given them an idea they'd known one another for years. Oddly, they were the happiest duo inside the store who acted like little kids with every new item they found along the various rows and shelves of merchandise. At first, they'd gone with one cart and being conservative, but with each minute longer their eyes became wide with want.

The taller, dark-haired male seemed to act as the purchaser, but as time wore on the shorter, dirty blond male took over the money situation, giving the other free reign to pick out anything he thought their puppy would want or need in the next six months. But the longer they shopped, the larger, heavier items caused them to need a bigger cart and a flatbed cart. They were advancing down the aisles, almost side by side, both leaning on their own cart's handle bars.

At some point, they decided to stop spoiling Cousteau and treating him like he was a newborn baby in their keeping. Now they were simply window shopping as they took their time making sure they wouldn't need one more thing.

“Favorite game as a kid?” Jared couldn't explain why he started off with such a weird topic, but he was trying to hide shame over his child-like excitement.

“ _Whoa_!” Jensen pretended like he had to crack his neck. “Whiplash from the change in topic. _What_? Was I boring you?”

“No...” Jared chuckled deeply, shaking his head. “I don't get to know people very well. I try to find ways to figure out their types. You know, quick shortcuts to knowing if someone is worth my time.”

“Still not a compliment, man.”

“I'm sorry. I'm nervous again.”

“I can tell.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. You get more chatty, when you're not usually. I, on the other hand, shut down and become shy. The less rocking of the boat, the better.”

“I'm not trying to see if you're worthwhile. For once, I _really_ wanna know these things.”

“What else?”

“huh?”

“What are the other questions you typically ask?”

“Favorite children's toy? And it has to be age specific, not 'for all ages'.”

“What? Like something you eventually grow out of?”

“Yes! And can never go back to except as a nostalgic piece.”

“Like a Sit-n-Spin? Or a Big Wheel?”

“Exactly. Or, like, a, uh... Easy Bake Oven.”

“Wow, dude... really?”

“Do NOT mock the EBO, man. They weren't just for girls. Boys like baking too.”

Jensen had to stop in his tracks and stare at Jared. “I—-don't know how to respond to that eloquently.”

“I got along well with my adopted parent's extended family—-mostly girls... my cousins. Let's just say I knew how to bake a really tiny cake before I even tried my hand at sports. Like a manly-man.”

“Nah, come on...” Jensen was enjoying himself too much; he found it weird to want to laugh lightly so often in between everything Jared said. “I like that you'll own the EBO-love. It's cool to not be gender identifying with toys. You were open and willing to grow at such a young age.”

“I know my place now.”

“Why 'cuz it's where you like your women?”

“No. I just know I'm not good at it anymore.”

“Baking tiny cakes?”

“No. Finding a job I'm good at that doesn't demean me or my—-what I think is my role in this world.”

Jensen kept the smile on his face, but realized they were suddenly diving into deeply introspective territory here. “You went to college?”

“Barely. I dropped out in my junior year.”

“So what do you do?”

“I'm Jared Padalecki.” Jared said the words as if he was standing in front of a podium, speaking to a town hall gathering or at an AA meeting

“I know you are. What do you _do_ to make money?”

“I'm Jared Padalecki to Milo Ventimiglia.”

“ _Wait_...” Jensen stopped pushing his cart, letting Jared pass him a few inches up further. Finally Jared stopped, to look at him over his shoulder. “... are you saying that you get 'paid' to be yourself?”

“I'm a part of Milo's entourage.” Jared leaned his elbow on the bar he had gripped while pushing the flatbed cart. “Well, I was before his accident.”

“Milo pays you to be with him?” Jensen re-started walking with his cart, slower now so they could talk.

“Yes, in a nutshell. He trusts me. He lets me live with him, wherever he may be, eat with him...” _God_... his “job” sounded so weird to talk about now. Well, now that Jared seemed to have failed Milo in more ways than he could count. “I have access to my own money that we share.”

“And what did Milo do?”

“Extreme sports. Wherever he needed to be, he brought me with him. I'm his family and his best friend. Some people come through me to get to Milo.”

“ _Jesus_... I'm kind of jealous.” Jensen wasn't really, he was more empathetic to Jared's plight because it seemed that being a part of Milo's entourage hadn't helped with Jared's own issues.

“Don't be. A year or so after I left college, Milo got hurt. I started to wonder exactly what I was good for. Half a completed college degree and nothing to show for what I could do.”

Jensen stopped, then crossed in front of Jared's cart to pick something off a shelf to look the label over. “Did you have a 'plan'?”

“Kind of. I kept it to myself, then my whole world just—-I don't mean to lighten the severity to Milo's injury, but I'm essentially his caretaker and—-I failed.”

Jensen slammed the object back down on the shelf, then went back to his cart; his was tight-lipped as he averted his head to the other side of the aisle. He had to try and find another direction to take this conversation. “You and your Ex broke up after that, right?”

“Oh, yeah... which was not as uplifting as it was soul-crushing.”

“ _Wow..._ ” Jensen kind of wished he knew who this young woman was so he could give her a piece of his mind.

“I'm not blaming either of them. I did it to myself.” Jared shook his head, averting his gaze elsewhere. “I took everything for granted... and I thought—-well, I knew I wasn't America's Best Boyfriend, but I was difficult to be around. I may have caused her to feel—-inferior to me.”

“You said it yourself... you can't let anyone close.” Jensen could hear a lot of who he was with people in Jared's voice. “You fear so you replace it with hate.”

“You're good for my spirit.” If this relationship was going to do anything for Jared, it would let him know he was truly as alone as he had once believed. “I feel like if I try to explain what I did—-what I do—-out loud it sounds trite or made-up.”

“I'm probably one of the few who can understand.”

Jared could only nod his head in agreement, for the first time unable to add a decent response.

~~&&~~

 **half-hour later...**

“Where to now?” Jared slammed the passenger side's car door, bringing his hands together to lay his arms in a V-formation along his thighs.

“You said...” Jensen had been setting bags down on the floor in the backseat. “—you were staying with Milo?”

“For now. He has an old apartment I use.” Jared tried to keep his head looking straight out the windshield, because if he turned he would be staring right in Jensen's face. “And sometimes I bunk in a guest house off the pool. I hate it.” He kept wiping up and down his jeans, trying to take off the sweat on his palms. “I have everything I could want there, but I'm secluded. I think it's stupid to have food and a kitchen, when I can just walk back to the main house. Mostly it's a big-ass bedroom with a pool and an awesome deck.”

“I thought we'd finish the DVD set at the loft.” Jensen glanced over at Jared, his arm was bent and resting on the top portion of the bench-seat. “You got a TV and DVD player at the guest house?”

“I know where we could go that will blow your mind.” Jared quirked up one side of his mouth in a mischievous grin. “Milo has a separate room we can use. Huge wide-screen TV.”

“Awesome.” Jensen gave Jared a thumbs-up, then turned back to face the steering wheel as he started the engine. “We should stop for lunch.” He began to fiddle with the air and then turn down the volume on the radio.

“How 'bout I make you lunch?” Jared felt it was safer now to turn slightly in his position, so he faced Jensen. He even placed his arm up along the bench-seat.

Jensen leaned back to find that Jared's fingers brushed the back of his collar. “I'm figuring this will be from something larger than an Easy Bake Oven.”

Jared twisted his head around, burying his face in shame into his right hand as he shook his head. “I'm gonna regret every telling you that about me.”

Jensen smirked, then winked playfully as he threw Jared's arm off the seat so he could do his thing to back out safely from the parking spot they were in.

~~&&~~

They were out on the cobble-stone patio where the huge outside grill had been sitting unused for months. Jared and Jensen grabbed the makings for a nice, small outdoors picnic: hot dogs, hamburgers, salads and cold pasta dishes. Jared handled the grill while Jensen supervised and slurped at the expensive foreign beer.

Every time Jensen looked up and glanced around him, he shook his head in mild disgust. “Do you ever think you'll get used to this?”

Jensen didn't have to look up to know what Jared meant. “I know how fortunate I am that Milo saved my ass and took me in. I just wish there was actually something I was good at that he'd need me for.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I'm a little ashamed to tell people I get paid for—- _this_. Which is probably why I don't have many 'friends' or they're mostly superficial—-connected to Milo and that world.”

“No matter what you think or feel, I'm guessing you've done more for Milo than you can imagine.” Jensen didn't know why he wanted to make it his mission to somehow let Jared know he wasn't such an awful person. “We're men... I would have to say we don't ever think it's our place to be as open and honest with our feelings for fear of being ridiculed.”

“ _mmm..._ especially when it comes to the world of sports. And, yes... what Milo and his competitors do IS real sports.” It had been Jared's main job, some days, to speak out about extreme sports, giving people the idea that there was an authenticity to the experience most were unfamiliar with. Sometimes he was still in that “mode”, like he was now. “They train just as hard, they compete... _man_ , you can't imagine the hard work those guys go through to perfect everything they do.”

“I think I can imagine.” Jensen leaned back on an area of the counter top, off the left side of the built-in grill. “I would suppose the ratio of injury is astronomical in comparison to other contact sports. I mean... once you involve a helmet, elbow and knee pads... aren't you pretty much signing off on your life being put at risk?”

“Even the most advanced and trained extremer knows he ups his ante of survival if he takes precautions.” Jared made a face of disappointment. “But even then a rider or a boarder places his fate in the balance as he takes the risks he does with his life.”

“He knew he could do it?”

“Oh, yeah. I saw him do it—-about 20 times.” Jared was expertly flipping the burgers. He pulled out the cheese squares to set them over some of the meat. “He and his crew tried to find the right landscape around Pasadena and Roseville Heights to help out the next phase of training. He practiced with enough padding on him and did the landing over and over just to make sure the aerial tricks he did were perfect.”

“He was wearing plenty of gear?”

“Yeah, everything he would've had on for the competition in Italy.”

Jensen shook his head in deep sadness. “There must be some point where they—-guys like Milo—-throw caution to the wind and take the chance.”

“Of course, but you always expect an injury—-broken ribs, a leg snapping... maybe some bruising or even a sprain. But a concussion as bad as Milo's is extremely rare.”

“He still has the helmet?”

“Yeah...” Jared gave off a weird laugh at the morbid thought. “—when the company settled the lawsuit, they sent it back with the first check. Milo had used their gear for years. There was no animosity. Milo simply wanted them to see the design flaw and correct it.”

“That's decent of them, but still—-feels like 'hush money' to me.”

“Which is why Milo turns around and gives that money to charity.” Jared shook his head as he flipped the plain burgers again. “He wasn't looking for a handout.” He took the spatula and pressed down hard, hearing the hiss of the juice hitting the charcoal.

“He sounds like a stand-up guy. Can't wait to meet him.”

Jared licked his lips as he plated the 'dogs and hamburger meat. “Did you want one or two cheeseburgers?”

“One.” Jensen picked up the plate to walk it over to the umbrellaed table before he sat down, he glanced over at Cousteau in the grass. He had to smile at the sight. “Who knew he'd like that fuckin' bone over all that other shit we bought.”

Jared turned down the grill and recovered the slats to keep leftovers warm. “I think it's a live and learn situation. Just 'cuz we think a dog would like it doesn't mean he will.”

“Maybe it's a mood thing, like with humans.”

Jared snorted out a quick laugh. “What are you, like, the Dog Whisperer now?”

“Nah, man... it's fascinating, if you think about it. He's a few DNA short of being us.” Jensen paused to think. “Or would it be better as them, then us?”

“Chicken or the egg, Jen.” Jared shrugged his shoulders as he pulled out extra beers for them and a few random sodas out of the cooler.

“I know, I know.” Jensen started dishing out some of the food onto his plate once he saw Jared finally sit down. “I'm intrigued by shit like that. The undiscovered.”

“What were you best at in school?” Jared started to make his plate with the pastas before he went for the burger or dogs—-he wanted them to cool down.

“Eh, English—-maybe. I wrote well.” Jensen licked his fingers of whatever leaked out of his burger. “I didn't have a great imagination, though.”

“ _mmm_ , I was an average student. Better at English, too, but I loved creating other worlds, giving other people words to say.” Jared took a swig of his beer, letting it coat his throat. He didn't realize it would get even hotter in the later afternoon sun. “I was good socially—-I got that part down, but I pretty much sucked at everything else.”

“Hehehe, socially, I was a wreck.” Jensen reached out for the pasta bowl, spooning out a good dollop on his plate. “I couldn't identify with anybody. I was even outside the outer fringe, but I found a few random people to be around. Wasn't a total spaz.”

“Truthfully, I was best on my own.”

“Me too.” Jensen nodded his head in agreement.

“I feel weird saying it because I know I crave—- _something_.” Jared opened his arms to the world. Like he was expecting an answer or to be struck down by lightning.

“ _What_?” Jensen smirked, curious to what Jared could want.

“I don't know. I had a life. I lost it. I got one back. I kept it. I've never been left wanting, but yet...”

Jensen could almost hear himself in those words. “—the thirst is never quenched.”

“Something like that.”

As they both went for their beers, they shared laugh.

“I envied my sister. Her openness and friendliness. How she always saw good in the bad, and sometimes worst, of humans. I wanted to be in her place so badly. I knew what I was doing, what I was becoming.”

“You spent all that time in college to become a picture taker?” Jared teased, grabbing for a hot dog bun and then a hamburger one. He was about ready to break into the condiments and then the lettuce tomato and onions.

“I did the stockbroker thing for almost three years.” Jensen took the final draw off his beer bottle. That would be the last of the alcohol for him, so he went for a soda can. “That was long enough. I already thought I was bad but I became worse. I used to love being alone, but I reached a point where I could barely stand to look at myself.”

“So you just walked out, never looked back?”

“Well, I didn't _simply_ walk out...” Jensen kind of chuckled to himself at the memory. “I spoke out about every lowlife, scummy a-hole I worked with, didn't matter where they were in the food chain. I was honest and straightforward... and it was amazing how many more contacts that got me as I was exiting. Some didn't even know who I was, but I was on the rise.”

“You pulled a Jerry Maguire?”

“Not quite. I didn't write a manifesto. I simply told the truth.”

“You still talk to those people?”

“No, 'cuz I don't live in that area anymore.”

“Where was that?”

“Texas. Dallas, to be exact.” If Jared wasn't going to break into the bag of potato chips... Jensen would. “I'm not from there, but I worked between Dallas and Austin.”

Jared couldn't believe what was happening. He held up his hand like he was pledging allegiance. “Born in San Antonio.”

“No shit.” Jensen slowly shook his head as he dumped out the chips on his plate, taking a few along the way.

“No-no shit, dude.”

“My god...” Jensen smiled with a mouth full of crushed and mushed potato. “... talk about a small world.”

“Indeed it is.” Jared mumbled out from between a strong bite of his cheeseburger.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **the proper hour, or so, after eating...**

Jared was floating in the pool, waving his arms to keep from going under. Jensen was relaxing on one of the loungers, sunglasses perched on his face. Once Jared reached the deep end, he started to dive under to wet his head and whole body, then swam the length of the pool—- _twice_. Each time he popped up to glanced over at Jensen, he had to stare a little longer because he couldn't tell if Jensen was awake or asleep. Jensen was very much awake and watching Jared without moving his head—-he simply followed with his eyes.

When Steau ventured over, Jensen decided to actually do something with his body and sit upright. Jared was about to heft himself out of the water. Jensen playfully tugged on the bone with the puppy while trying not to stare too intensely at Jared's approach. His swim trunks were a decent length—-about mid-thigh—-but it was the rest of Jared's naked body Jensen found pleasing. What unnerved him was how comfortable Jared was in very little clothing and never tried to cover up with a towel. He simply draped the terry cloth over his shoulder as he neared. Jared's skin had a warm glow from afternoon sun and each muscle gleamed with moisture. That overlong shaggy brown hair was combed back from his face, curling about his ear lobes, stuck to the nape of his neck.

The second Jared took a seat on the lounger where Jensen was, Jensen couldn't help noticing the goosebumps over the bare flesh. He softly laughed, reaching out to loan Jared some of his warmth from another towel. “You should sit in the sun for a few hours and get warm.”

“Come sit with me.” Jared gestured with a wave of his head to go sit in the loungers in the sunlight.

“I'm fine in the shade. I'll need 1000% proof lotion or I'll burn... maybe freckle.”

Jared sniffed out a laugh as he lifted his arm to direct his pinky at the upper cheek under Jensen's eye. “I see some right here.”

Jensen felt the blunt nail-bed scrape his skin, his body contracting with eyes closing at the barest of touches. He leaned down to the ground to rub fingers over Steau's belly and picked up the bone. When he came back up, Jared had drawn up a leg, bending at the knee to press close to Jensen's hip and thigh. Jensen had never been around men who were taller or more muscular than him—-not a rule, just a preference. Now he knew why specifically, because when he found himself drawn to them—-like Jared—- he'd become smaller, feel weaker, like he wanted to feel protected.

It could be that Jared's presence simply comforted him on some level and pitted him against his own flaws—-knowing that sometimes relationships were built on something that you lacked. One person emitting a single need or want for your own soul. Jensen kept himself hunched over, but pushed the sunglasses to the top of his head.

“I wish you'd let me teach you. It's not hard.”

That voice—-in his ear. Those words said with such intimate softness. Jensen's mind went south, instead of remaining in the present. He wanted to tease and crack a joke, but he had the feeling Jared wasn't in that frame of context. “It's not you I'm afraid of, it's me. I'm an awful student, I'd make you hate me.”

“I doubt that. But maybe if you just slipped into a bathing suit like this.” Jared showed his own suit, still trying to catch his breath from the laps in the pool he had just finished. “You keep your worst shirt on—-or I'll lend you one of mine—-and you sit on the side of the pool and dangle your feet in. Shallow end. Just to get wet. This pool is perfect because you can sit on that slanted landing and let the water surround you.”

“I admire your faith in me, but I can't be talked into something I've feared for years. It's gotta be something I do—-a step I take—-on my own.”

“Do you know what the fear is based on?” Jared was truly concerned about what Jensen could be scared of—-hopefully not him.

“Yeah... my parent's deaths.”

Jared felt stunned, then swallowed hard. “Wasn't that a car accident, though?”

“Yes, it was, but... at the age I lost them anything my mind would figure out could end in a violent death—-I refused to do. I know I used to swim. Dad taught me. I remember swimming pools and the beach, but...”

Jared reached out to clamp a hand around Jensen's bare arm. “It's more than a fear of death.” He flinched a little when Jensen took his arm away, which was fine since Jared simply transferred his hand to the thigh, rubbing over the Khaki pant leg. “You're like me when it comes to memories. I used to have that fear, which was busted once Milo came into my life. That kid had no fear.” Jared scrubbed at his wet head more, then let out a loud laugh. “We did some truly idiotic and off-the-wall shit that could've killed us or put us in the hospital for months.”

“You were lucky.” Jensen shared in Jared's natural laughter. “I went from being twelve to being an adult to a little five year old girl. My grandparents were there when they could be, but SHE was always my responsibility.” He glanced away to stare down at Steau, laying in bliss on the grass. “I made-up some crazy-ass rules she had to follow when I wasn't around. I'm amazed she doesn't hate my guts.”

“How could she? She knows what you did for her and she probably thinks you're an amazing brother.” Jared wished Jensen wouldn't keep his head turned away from him when they talked about stuff like this. “I would almost wish I had you instead of Milo, maybe I'd be less complicated and doing something with my life.”

“ _Jesus...”_ Jensen finally turned to look at Jared directly. _“_ I wish you'd stop talking down about yourself like that. I've only known you for 48hrs and—-I don't know...” He was a bit unnerved by Jared's small smirk. “I think you're one of the only men I've met who I wouldn't mind being. You think you're difficult, but I don't see it.”

“I don't see your flaws either, so I guess we're even.”

They looked at one another, green eyes zeroing on hazel and they shared a soft smile with a quiet laugh. Jensen averted his head while Jared straightened his back and twisted his torso to work out the kinks.

Jared's eyes fell on a patch of skin exposed under Jensen's open collar and leaned over, with tongue extended, to lick the flesh.

Jensen yanked away in shock, a hand moving to cover the tingling area as wide green eyes of fright looked at a smirking Jared. “ _What the FUCK, man! Did you just... LICK ME?!_ ”

“Sorry.” Jared mumbled out, unable to stop chuckling. “I was curious.”

“Curious to _what_?” Jensen hadn't been prepared for Jared to do something that... _intimate_.

“I wanted to know if your freckles tasted like strawberries.”

“ _Jesus Christ! Ask me, huh!_ Don't just LICK me whenever you feel like it.”

“I'm sorry. See... I'm still a kid in small ways.” Jared really wanted to bust out laughing, but he could see that Jensen was really shaken by his sudden action without warning him. “There was this girl I liked in first grade. Red hair, freckles... she smelled like strawberries. I thought it was because of her freckles—-like she was an all-over Scratch-n-Sniff. Do you remember those?”

Jensen could only stare in quiet horror, finding himself squelching laughter, nearly bawling his eyes out. “ _Oh, god... fuck me, man... dude..._ ” He soothed over the patch of skin still swearing it was wet. He had other freckles in other places—-he wished he had the balls to tease Jared. He wanted to, but most jokes were done in jest—-like they wouldn't really happen. Except Jensen wouldn't mind anything Jared did to him—-this strange licking included. “ _God..._ an' you wanna know why your _only_ best friend is Milo.”

“It's an exclusive club... you and Susie Morris.”

“Cool. I wouldn't want to feel downgraded. _Well...?_ ” If Jared had gone to all that effort, Jensen wanted to know.

“ _hmm_?”

“What do I taste like?”

Jared stared for a few seconds and then busted out laughing.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

As the early evening approached, Jared and Jensen relaxed on separate loungers in the shade, admiring the view. And then reality invaded in Jensen's phone ringing—-girlfriend calling. Jared knew he couldn't be anywhere near this conversation so he got out the new dog leash and took Steau for a walk around the estate grounds. Jensen reminded him to take the plastic bag to scoop up the poop. Jared liked that Jensen thought of Steau first before Sophia—-just a small dig toward her and his success at chipping away at Jensen.

Jensen almost hated to answer his phone as he'd been in peaceful bliss with Jared nearly all day. He didn't want anything—-or anyone—-to disrupt the first contentedness he'd felt in years. “—'ello?”

“I'm sorry... I heard you—-am I interrupting _something_?”

“It's fine. I've got some time now.” Jensen wanted to keep an eye on Jared's retreating back. “What's wrong? What do you need?” He knew this had been inevitable—-getting back to his real life.

“uh, well... I was wondering if we could—- _I don't know_ —-I miss'd talking to you yesterday. I busted my fine ass to finish my papers and get some studying done. Kind of wanted to celebrate.”

Jensen felt terrible because while he had forgotten about Sophia, while she had actually forced herself _not_ to call. “It was good that you didn't. I don't know that we could've had one of our long conversations. I was swamped with different projects.” God, he hoped that sounded plausible.

“I know how passionate you are about your pictures. And I know, from class, what a perfectionist you are when you create, getting lost in the moment. How much sleep have you gotten?”

Jensen hadn't gotten much when Jared left—-a few hours pieced together. But once Jared had napped on his floor, Jensen had fallen asleep as well, just staring at Jared. “Uh, enough.” He cleared his throat and say more upright, sitting Indian style on the lounger's cushions. “Did you reach your Ex? Or has he contacted you?”

“Eh, ** _I_** had to call ** _him_**. Seems I, uh... underestimated how hurt he'd be or how he'd react.”

Jensen closed his eyes in misery. _Christ_ , he knew it. Now he had an enemy in the background. “See, Soph, I told you—- _shit—-shit_... he probably hates _both_ our guts. Me even more since it's like you went from him directly to me.”

“He and I weren't really _together_ , so—-well, I thought we left things in a terrible state and since he left a lot of the decision making up to me... how could I _not_ think we had broken it off?”

“It is what it is. You can't change it.” Jensen shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. He just had a burden dropped on his back he wasn't expecting. “And you can't make someone think or act like you. Not only are you two different in gender, but you've got different personalities. These personalities clash and not in a good way.”

“I hate it 'cuz no matter how 'nice' I play or how diplomatic I am, I come out looking like a stuck up bitch.”

“Oh, come on, Soph... no. It's only in how you perceive HIM thinking of you.”

“Well, I think I sound like a bitch. He just—-he gets me so riled up, you know. He's always been this way. I don't know why it still bothers me and I still manage to care about him.”

“You two meant a lot to one another at one time.” Jensen tried to find Jared, but he was too far out in the yard to catch sight of. Damn... “You should feel grateful for what you _had_ , not for what you _didn't_.”

“And you wished I'd fuckin' move on from him...”

“That's not—-don't put words in my mouth.” _Oh, God..._ was she really going to pick another fight with him about this? “Look, I'm one to talk. I've got my own flaws on letting go and moving on. I better walk the talk, if I talk the walk.”

“Come up for the weekend.” Sophia let out a soft giggle, her voice picking up into happiness. “Stay at my place. I'd really like to see you and spend some quality time with you.”

“I don't know. I'll need to see how the rest of my week pans out.” Jensen really wanted to know what he and Jared were going to get into.

“Are you blowing me off, Jensen?” It hadn't occurred to Sophia to be worried about something else that could've happened. Jensen was acting a little distracted—-or was she overreacting?

“huh?”

“Is there—-when you stay up there, are you seeing other people?”

“You mean other women?”

“Do you? If you do, it's okay. I think you've made it clear we're not _exclusive_.”

Wow... Jensen had no idea Sophia would go this route. He couldn't even recall that conversation, but... well, he didn't remember a lot since meeting Jared. “Well, sticking to my honesty contingent, I _have_ met someone new but it's not some other woman.”

“What do you mean?”

“A guy who goes to my gym. I helped spot him on the weight-lifting bench. We got to talking and... I found out he's another fan of 'Deserted'.”

“ _No bullshit!_ ” The excitement in Sophia's voice was tangible.

“Yeah, so—-you can _stop pretending_ you enjoy it when I go on and on about the show and make you watch with me.”

“Well, gosh... small world, huh?”

“Tell me about it. He seems as obsessed about it as I can get, but not to the extreme I go.” Jensen had to stop himself from going overboard with talking about Jared. He had to remember Sophia wasn't his confessor. “It's just been nice to have someone to talk to about the show, you know. We've connected on a few other levels as well.”

“Man, make me feel like shit, why don't you. I _tried_ , Jensen, I _really_ _tried_. You know I did.”

“I know. I already said it was fine.”

“—and then you never said another word about it to me. I know it took a lot out of you to never talk about it at all. I have some people who watch it in my classes. They flail and squee but they do that for about ten other shows.”

“We've been kind of hanging out.” Jensen went on a little more about meeting Jared and connecting with him. “Just getting to know one another and... I've been able to show him all of my stuff about the show. He's a cool guy. You'd like him.”

“Jensen, did you make a real, honest-to-God friend?” The smile on Sophia's face was a mile wide; she wished Jensen could've seen how happy she was for him. She was extremely proud of him, almost ready to cry.

“I think I have—- _yes_...” Jensen beamed, like he was proud of himself for taking a risk on another person.

“Wow, then I'm kind glad I didn't mess things up for you yesterday. You gonna see him again?”

“I'm with him now. We've been hanging out at his place most of the day, grilling and—-he bought a new puppy. We're getting the dog settled with food and his new toys.”

“awww, that sounds kind of sweet. I hope I do get to meet him. But, jesus...” Sophia snorted out a laugh with a rolled of her eyes Jensen couldn't see. “—take your time with him before you show him off to the dreaded 'girlfriend'. It might be too much to take in. You know, after finding out how awesomely cool and wonderful you are.”

“Stop it. You have me blushing.” Jensen was truly beginning to feel flush in his face, but for an entirely different reason

“ _Christ! I do not!_ ”

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~... tbc...~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Jared had to make another go-around as he was about to return and still noticed Jensen on the phone. At one point, he saw Jensen sit up in the lounger, then rise to walk around the patio, looking out at the huge yard and up at the darkening sky. Eventually, Jensen paced over to the open sliding glass doors, leaning back against the siding of the guest house porch. Jared was close enough to catch Jensen taking his hand away from his ear and keep it dangling down his side.

The second Jared and Steau neared the pool area, Steau wanted off the leash to run toward Jensen. Jared yanked the pup backward to unhook his collar. Squatting by the side of the pool, Jared watched Steau barrel into Jensen's legs, then Jensen—-somewhat stuck in a trance—-bent down to cradle the dog to his chest.

Jared took a hard swallow as he rose, then sauntered over to disturb Jensen's silence. “Everything all right.” He had experiences with Sophia's phone calls, so he walked with caution.

“Yeah, I guess.” Jensen simply stared ahead of him into nothingness.

“She okay?”

“huh?”

“Your girlfriend? Sophia, right?”

“Uh, yeah... yeah... It's weird—-she called to apologize for not talking to me all day yesterday, which I really didn't feel was needed.” Jensen turned his head to look at Jared, but didn't look at his face, only got as high as his chest. “Then she asked me if I wanted to come stay with her for the weekend.”

“Oh-kayyy... and—?”

“I don't STAY the weekends—-ever.” Jensen finally raised wide green eyes to Jared' concerned hazel ones. “I think she's planning to seduce me.”

Jared tried to keep a straight face, but then he had to crack a smile which brought the chortles of laughter. “ _Dude..._ ” He clamped a hand on Jensen's shoulder, shaking him gently. “... don't look so freaked out. It's gonna be all right.”

“No.” Jensen kept laughing lightly with Jared. “It's horrible. And quite sad. I swear it's not her, it's something IN me that just doesn't want what she can give me.”

Jared was beginning to feel terrible for Sophia, but downright pleased for Jensen. Better that he not get trapped and sucked into Sophia's web. “You really need to calm down, Jen. I can feel you shaking and it's only Wednesday.”

“I'm not shaking from nerves. I'm shivering.”

“Well, fuck, man. Get indoors where I can turn on the heating.” Jared shoved Jensen through the open sliding glass door. “Get in there. Grab a blanket or something.”

Jensen got as far as the huge bed before he put Steau down and sat on the mattress. Jared didn't want to claim sides, but he typically used the left side. He furrowed his brow a little as he watched the tight grip Jensen had on the mattress edge. He remained hunched over, shoulders in a permanent shrug and head bowed as if in shame. The minute he heard the soft sniffles, Jared was squatting at Jensen's level.

“— _hey, hey, hey_... don't work yourself into a fit.” Jared's left hand covered Jensen's right.

“I'm not, man. I've been cold for a while. I shoulda come in once she called. I thought it was only a cool breeze, but it quickly became _ice_ -cold.” Jensen used the heel of his left hand to rub over his nose. “I'll be fine once I'm warm enough.”

“Take your shoes off and climb under these covers.” Jared was already pulling at the blankets Jensen was sitting on. “It's a goose-down comforter with a fleece coverlet. It retains heat perfectly. I think it's that way because of being so close to the pool outside. Like living near a body of water.”

“It's a great pool.”Jensen slowly kicked off his shoes. “I wish I could use it.”

“You will—-some day.” Jared spoke as if Jensen would be around a long time.

Jensen swung his legs up and tucked his socked feet beneath the pile of blankets. Jared was prepared to settle him down right there, but then Jensen continued to shift over so he was laying on the right side of the bed. Jared could've cheered over this tidbit. He felt like thanking Jensen for no reason. Once Jensen had his head on a pillow and the covers pulled over his chest, Jared helped tuck him in, then moved to sit on the wide space on the left, facing Jensen.

“I feel like shit.”

“Don't worry.” Jared reached over to shake the shape of Jensen's knee under the covers. “If you get sick, I won't abandon you.”

“No... not 'shit' like being ill. I just feel like an asshole for leading her on.”

“You're too kind to dump her.” God... it would be so easy to destroy that relationship—-Jared's effort wasn't even there for him to use. Sophia and Jensen already seemed to be on shaky ground.

“I think I'm scared I won't find anyone better.” Jensen sniffled, burying his face in the pillow as he tucked himself under further. “I haven't even given us a chance. I feel like I haven't been fair. I don't know what happened.” He rolled his eyes as he stared ahead, beyond Jared. “I found her attractive while we took that class. We talked all the time. We even hung out with other classmates, but... the second I had her alone, I couldn't get it up.”

“At all?”

Jensen kept the lower half of his face below the hemline of the sheets. “I actually went flaccid.”

“ _hmm...”_ To Jared, it honestly sounded more like there was something going on inside Jensen's mind rather than his body. _“..._ but you _really did_ try?”

“It's never happened before. I was ready, but I guess my body and mind misfired.”

“I can't say I sympathize, 'cuz I've never been in that situation.” Jared relaxed on his left side, bending his left arm to res his head on. “I want sex constantly. I like touching, caressing. I like the feel of soft skin...”

“I bet you've broken plenty of hearts.” Jensen dropped his gaze to Jared, smiling under the covers.

“—and stepped on a few more to reach those hearts I'd eventually break.”

“Hehehe...” Jensen blinked deliberately, his body feeling languid and loose. “... what do you love most about a woman?”

“Like with my ex-girlfriend?”

“Uh, yeah... sure.”

“Her smells. I like the way a girl smells.” Jared sat up more, this time propping himself on his left elbow. “And I've always enjoyed small women—-tiny, delicate flowers. I like that feeling of overpowering them and taking control.”

“You ever lose control and let them overpower you?”

“No...” Jared shook his head, giving Jensen a weird look. “Why would I do that?”

“I don't know. It shows them how much you trust them, leading them down a vulnerable path with you?”

“Have you?”

“What? Let a woman take over during sex?”

“Yeah... do you practice what you preach?”

“Yes.”

Jared didn't know Jensen would be that honest with him. “And?” He had to admit he was curious. Now that he knew he may not have been so great at sex like he had thought.

“I'm pretty sure the Earth truly did move or at least tilted while I—-well, you know.”

“Wow, so she really rocked your world?”

Jensen shut his eyes briefly as he yawned. “Not enough to impress her.”

“She dumped you?” Jared shook his head sadly at Jensen slow nod.

“It's okay. I was a rebound.” Jensen closed his eyes, turning onto his left side to bury his face in the pillowcase and under covers.

Jared stared at Jensen, unsure if he liked knowing this—-that Jensen seemed to always turn out to be second or last choice. Like he was found lacking, or wanting. Not good enough. Jared decided to lay above the blankets with his head on his own pillow. As he settled down, Jensen lifted his head to connect drowsy, heavy-lidded eyes at Jared.

“ _What_?”

“hmm?” Jared was a bit startled by Jensen's alertness, then shook his head as if he didn't want to answer.

“It's like I can hear the turbines in your head.”

“I'm only trying to picture how you'd let a woman 'take over'.”

“You mean physically or emotionally/mentally?”

“Both. Maybe. Sex can be a mind-fuck all on its own.”

Jensen let out a soft snort, looking at Jared with a bleary look to his eyes. He was feeling so damn sleepy. “—then you've been screwin' the wrong kinds of women.”

“Hey, I take offense to that.” Jared reached out to gently shove Jensen's body, then kept his forearm on top of the dip of Jensen's hip beneath the blankets. “They've all been reputable. Not a whore or a hooker in the bunch.”

“That's not what I mean.” Jensen rolled so he was laying flat on his stomach. Jared' arm shuffled to lay across his lower back.

“What did you mean?”

“I don't know. I'm rambling.” Jensen lay his head on the pillow, then turned the other way. “I'm feeling a bit wired at the moment. Tired, a little too lucid in my head.”

“Do you always have this much clarity in bed?”

“Hell no.” Jensen rolled his head back over to face Jared. “I've been brainless on occasion. I think it's after, during the silence... when she's out and I'm supposed to be conked out.” He brought out a hand briefly to roll it around his head. “I get reflective and—-I become like a sex CPA, doing all accounts and assessments in my head, figuring shit out so it makes sense in the morning.”

“God, that sounds like actual work.”

“It's something I do to pass the time during my insomniac hours.”

“ _Don't do it._ ”

“Don't do—- _what_?”

“Stay the weekend. Crisis averted.”

“She's going to know something is wrong.”

“Promise her a couple of nights out next week.” Jared was giving Jensen some sage advice. He was a true expert on how to handle Sophia. “You'll dance and dine, romance her. Make an excuse for this weekend. You're obviously not ready yet.”

“Will I ever be?”

“Leave that to me.” This felt weird... actually trying to help Jensen out with Sophia. “I might have a few tricks up my sleeve.”

“What good, plausible excuse do I give her?”

“Don't know. Haven't thought of one yet. If she knew you had guy friends, you could tell her you need a weekend with your male friends.”

“Let me think on that and get back to you.” Jensen turned his face away again.

“Don't rush it or she'll see right through you.”

“I get the distinct feeling you've done this before. Many times.”

“Oh, yeah...” Jared let out a soft chuckle at the bullshit he was stacking up. “... you have no idea.”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **hours later...**

Jared woke up to find a lump of human form under blankets beside him. He let out a small grin as he rambled over to pull back the comforter to see what shape Jensen was in. Jensen was off the pillow, curled into his own body in a tight ball. Jared frowned when he noticed sweat-drenched hair. He pressed the back of his fingers on Jensen's throat and felt the intense radiating heat.

“ _—-jesus—-christ—-_ ” Jared crawled off the bed to yank down the comforter and coverlet, revealing that Jensen was deeply slumbering with no idea he was perspiring off his sudden chill. Jared hated doing this, but he chose to wake up Jensen. “Jensen...” He shook the leg first, then took it upon himself to take off the cotton socks. He cradled each foot in his cool-tempered hands, making sure Jensen was truly all right. Then he started shaking Jensen by his arm, which caused him to shape fingers over the pale skin covered in dark blond arm hair. He spotted dottings of freckles which made his gut clench, not sure he understood how he'd acquired this new kink. “Jen... come on, man...” This time, Jared shoved Jensen's body, taking fingers and pulling him upright. He sat next to Jensen and began to work on unbuttoning his plaid shirt. “... I need you to wake up so we can undress you.”

“... why?” Jensen whined the words.

“—'cuz you're burnin' up.”

“I am?” Jensen glanced down at himself, then touched his own skin, feeling his face and hair. “— _shit, dude_... I'm so sorry...” He simply wanted to collapse into Jared's strong arms.

“For what? Cold weather?”

“It's your bed.”

“It's a big bed, Jen. I'm not that attached to it since it's not really mine.”

“I should've warned you.”

“Of _what_?” Even though he knew Jensen was fine, he still had some serious concern on his face. He even felt a little tense. “That your body fights off a cold by sweating through your pores?”

“I'm not—- _unghhh_ —-not fighting off a cold. I get night sweats.”

“Which are?”

“Kind of like nightmares—-night terrors, but I sweat off the fear.”

“Fear of me?”

“No...” Jensen tenderly patted Jared's shoulders, shaping the broad bones in his palms. “... fear of the unknown.”

With what he knew of Jensen, Jared could figure this out for himself. “They happened after your parents died?”

“No. They started in my last few years of college. Mostly why I don't sleep deeply or for very long. I must've felt...”

“You mentioned something before, about my, uh... presence.”

“It's not that bad.” Jensen nodded his head. “I'm not hurting myself. It's just... unattractive to other people.”

“Not to me.”

“Of course, because you understand.” Jensen pat Jared on the cheek, feeling the roughness of stubble on his palm.

“You had a breakdown, didn't you?” Jared knew the answer before he asked.

“Almost. I quit my job before I mentally caved in on myself.”

“And I thought ** _I_** was complicated and broken.”

“Sorry. I'm not trying to steal your thunder.”

“I know you aren't and don't you dare apologize for something like this. Don't ever be ashamed of dealing with your issues and your past when you're with me. I think I'd feel better if I was around, since I do understand.”

Jensen let a small smile slip out. “Is this what best friends do?”

“I don't know, Jen, but it is what ** _I_** do.” Jared kept his head bowed. “I feel partially responsible for Milo's predicament.” Since he knew something deeply personal about Jensen, he felt the need to open his own private life up. “I feel, sometimes, that everyone in his crew and those who prey and feed off him push him far beyond his limits. I haven't been a loyal brother, nor much of a true best friend to him. I knew this trick of his wouldn't end well, if he failed. But I always have faith in him because he seems like he can do the impossible. He's been the closet thing to Jesus I've ever seen. But this time... I had a different kind of fear. I intentionally kept my distance. I couldn't be around him and see him fail.”

“And then they called you about his accident...” Jensen knew what Jared was doing for him, and he was beyond touched that Jared was allowing him “in” to his privacy.

“I'm his Emergency Contact—-his Next of Kin. What I didn't know was that he'd also gone to his lawyers to make me executor of his Last Will & Testament. To put it bluntly, I can choose when to pull the plug.”

“ _Oh, man..._ and he never asked?”

“He never even jokingly mentioned it. I think I realized then what my real role in his life had become.”

“He put his fate in your hands.” Jensen leaned on both hands, grasping the edge of the mattress, while Jared let his arms rest beside Jensen's legs.

“It sounds simple. Maybe easy to some. I think for the first time ever I was angry at him for doing this to me.” Jared looked at Jensen's chest, staring at the soft cotton of his t-shirt. “He gets to play against life and I'm the one who has to decide whether he lives or dies.”

“Did you have to?”

“No. Thank god. Only if he's on life support. He wasn't. He was in a drug-induced coma to get the swelling on his brain down, but he was awake in no time. Spent awhile in rehab, then he had to face the consequences of his trespassing on Murray's property.”

“Mr. Murray was considering pressing charges?”

“Not once the Roseville Heights community, and some pretty heavy hitters of Milo's sponsors, came out in his defense. He was talked down to a misdemeanor charge, instead of a felony, which is why it's simply a charge of ' _out on two years parole with community service_ '.”

“God, how does he manage?” Jensen thought it weird to hear the sigh and watch Jared drop his chin. The lips parted as if to say words, but they never passed over his lips. “ _What_? What is it?”

“I don't know. Just like with my earlier story... I'm not sure why I can't stop telling you these things. I just learned of this... mere days ago, so feelings are still fresh and forefront.”

Jensen pushed back to lay amongst the pillows on the headboard. He watched with a tiny grin as Jared climbed over him to rest on the left side of the bed, on his stomach, propped on an elbow. “You can tell me anything. I don't know anyone that I could reveal any of this to.” He found himself leaning over to the left, using Jared's pillows to hold his body steady. He swallowed heavily, catching Jared's hesitation. “Is it bad? Like 'life-changing' bad?”

Jared let out a painful smirk, his mind reeling to what to tell Jensen first. He found himself settled quite nicely in his own trap, realizing he had been in dire need of this kind of friend he could confide in. It wasn't going to be about him, only more about Milo, but which to tell first—-the fact that he recently learned about the fainting spells or the fact that Milo had been shielding him from his true sexuality? Jared raised his head, finally looking at Jensen in that awkward, yet comfy lounging position and he crawled forward, stretching his right arm out so he could flip his body onto his back. He scoot backward to bump up against Jensen's concaved upper body, then he calmly relaxed on him, using his frame as a “pillow” of sorts.

It sent Jensen into a minor jolt, simply because he never seemed prepared for how Jared could freely send out intimate touches or actions as he clearly gave off a “do not touch” vibe for himself. Jensen had to find something to do with his right arm as he could no longer place it where Jared's head rested, that silky brown mop drying out from the earlier shower. He was tempted to brush fingers through the locks; he had never done that for a woman. He had brushed his sister's hair, but that was it, and at some point she could do her own braids and ponytails. Jared had spun his face away from Jensen's gaze, exposing a long stretch of neck and collarbone under the shirt collar. The carotid artery pumped thick and frequently under skin. Jensen knew it was no more time for funny business, not even teasing.

Jensen picked himself upright, not leaning so much to the left as much as using the full support of the headboard. He sent his right arm out, hand shaping over broad shoulders and fingers trickling down the chest wall to lay palm-flat to the deeply-breathing lungs. Jensen wasn't sure what was setting Jared off—-what great, worrisome secret he had to reveal to make Jared begin to fold. The once tall, hulking form curling into itself and into that simple gesture of a one arm hug; Jared clung to that arm, pressing his face against the flexing biceps as his hands cradled the forearm to his body.

Jared began to crack at the seams, badly repaired broken pieces shattering once again as he realized how he had fooled everyone, including himself that Milo was strong and healthy enough to pull through. The soft sobbing forced out of nostrils caused Jensen to react by clutching Jared closer as if to imagine he had to do something because this was _his_ fault. He was shocked that his arm fit around the huge torso, fingers able to grab onto the side of the opposite rib cage and pulled Jared up with him. He tucked his chin in the crevice of shoulder to neck, leaning his face on the strands of drying hair. Once he turned to bury his nose in the clean-smelling lengths, he made sure to speak into the ear he was closest to.

“ _—ssshhh... I got you... you're okay... I'm here._ ” Jensen stated those short phrases repeatedly in the hopes that Jared would end up trusting him. Not that he was nosy, but that Jensen actually found himself caring about what was bothering Jared.

~~&&~~

Jared lay stunned, unsure of what he had just done. He had been quiet the last five minutes, allowing both pieces of information he'd told Jensen to sink in. As he had jabbered non-stop through moisture-filled eyes and a runny nose, he'd felt Jensen behind him, around him... the strong arm over his chest, the soft breathes in his hair, over his skin and the occasional light touch of fingers soothing up-n-down his left biceps. The more he talked, turning away from Jensen, the more he draped himself over Jensen. The arm once holding him disappeared to be replaced by a comforting caress to his back, then came the startling sensation of fingers combing through his hair. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so innocently touched in a simple comfort, no sexual advance meant.

Jensen could tell Jared was drained, the body exhausted and weary. He smirked at the laziness of Jared's large frame as he hung off Jensen's own body, but it was strangely making him comfortable. He'd just been entrusted to Jared's deepest, inner-most secrets, both a bit traumatic in their own right. He was glad Jared had told him, being allowed in this close to Jared's privacy was tantamount to feeling like this was a true budding friendship. What had eased his worry most was that Jared didn't harp on Milo's sexuality as much as revealing his hurt over not being told something so personal and secretive about his best friend and brother. Like Milo had feared, Jared's distance from him had been based on frustration and annoyance and not pure fear of a greater love lost.

Jared finally pushed off Jensen's body, each of them settling into their sides of the bed. They rearranged their pillows, tucked their feet under blankets and began to tug on hems to draw the material over their bodies. Jared lay on his back, while Jensen rested on his left side, curved to face Jared once he stopped moving. Up went Jared's right arm to place a hand under his head as the left arm rested on his chest, five fingers spread. Jensen was loving the warmth of this closeness, it made him sense a rightful place to do whatever he wished with Jared. So he extended his arm over the distance between them, placing his right hand over Jared's and locking their fingers as he closed his eyes, relaxing into slumber.

Jared didn't even bat an eyelash or flinch from the carefree touch. He knew what this meant for Jensen, knew what it meant for himself. He was starting to wonder if what he was putting himself through was worth it, if it ended up being that Sophia was no longer in a relationship and available. He wondered because while he seemed willing to tell Jensen to dump Sophia—-because of the loss of attraction—-he began to think about how damaging his own relationship with Sophia had been. That toxicity of their deep love and want of the other.

But, truly, did Jared need that in his life right now? Did he need to drop everything for himself to cater to everything for Sophia?

She seemed fine after their break-up, seemed calm and collected to move on to the next guy. She always appeared to need the sexual intimacy, but she'd never take it seriously. The fact she was totally oblivious to Jensen's disillusionment of her made it glaringly obvious to her still holding on to a selfishness that made her hateful. The poor unsuspecting schlep wouldn't know until they'd fucked more than once and Sophia began to desire “things” a certain way. Not possessive as much as annoying with her nagging that every minute not spent in her company was more and more a demotion to cheating.

Luckily, Jensen wasn't there yet and Jared no longer felt the need to get rid of Jensen as much as bidding good riddance to Sophia. Jared looked down at the fingers tucked between his as he gently pulled away he watched the pale skin and blunt-cut fingernails relax on his chest. He was curious to touch, using one finger—-the index; he traced the shape of limp fingers. He was stunned by the softness which belied the larger shapes and huge knuckles. The wisps of hair spattered over wrist and down forearm, where Jared allowed his eyes to follow. His curious fingers became a hand that clasped Jensen's wrist and set the arm down as he turned to his right to face Jensen. He used his bent arm to lay his head on, then let his gaze travel up the arm to the shoulder joint. He noticed a cluster of freckles; licking his lips, he took a hard swallow.

The temptation to not only lick them but to kiss them struck him directly in the gut. Jensen wasn't even deeply asleep and he lay so far away; the shuffle of the bed and rustle of the sheets would awaken him. Jared sighed deep and tried to be content with just the arm nearby. Without even a warning, Jensen shifted forward, laying fully on his stomach and sending his arm out to land a soft hit to Jared's chest. Jared softly chuckled, then stared down in utter amazement as he noticed the tantalizing freckled shoulder was closer to him than ever. He couldn't resist, knowing he'd dream of this if he didn't take a chance now.

Pushing off his pillow, Jared leaned forward until he was nose to shoulder. With an unknown force inside him, he skimmed his nose tip over the flesh, letting the barest of touches with his lips to follow. He inhaled the scents, finding nothing peculiar or deliciously tasty, yet he still sent out the tip of his tongue. He tasted salt and sweat, but it wasn't odor or taste he was looking for at the moment. He needed casual intimacy, he wanted the closeness of a warm body, the tender touch of a wayward hand with nimble fingers.

As he pulled his tongue back in, he closed his eyes and pursed his lips to kiss. He didn't stop at one, pausing in between the connection of mouth to flesh. He felt an odd combination of soft curves and tight muscles; the heat radiating was excruciatingly decadent. He neared the slope of neck and shoulder, purposefully heading to the nape and hairline when he felt the hand open on his body. Fingers slid under his shirt to sculpt over his flat abdomen and curved about his hip, fingertips falling beneath the elastic band around his waist.

Jared had to pause and collect himself, wanting to go further and wanting that hand to explore his body more. He lay his head right behind Jensen's, inching down and placing himself under the strong arm again. He felt the contraction of muscles in sleep to hold him close as if this were the most normal of settings.

He fell asleep soon after, never once feeling the play of fingers over his skin as Jensen finally drifted off to sleep as well.

~~&&~~

They woke up in the curious position of Jared now on his left side with Jensen spooned behind him and no longer using a pillow, but Jared's shoulder blades. They didn't even act shy or ashamed, only alert and playful as they now decided it was time to run to the main house and finish off the DVD set. Jared knew where all the spare keys were hidden, so he let himself into Milo's private space. Jensen was blown away and quite impressed; his eyes alighted to the swanky red-felted pool table. Jared knew he had a formidable opponent.

Jared wanted to watch an episode or two, then head to the kitchen to make a snack or have breakfast; it was almost four in the morning. When they settled on what to eat in the large kitchen, they shared in the task of making their meal. They tried not to cause too much ruckus as they knew someone in the house might grow curious. It was their talking and laughter that gave them away.

When they had everything gathered in their arms, Jared led the way until he heard the creak of the staircase. Milo was heading down in a robe and pajama bottoms, obvious bed-head on display.

“Sorry, we tried to be quiet.”

“We—?” Last Milo knew, Jared wasn't seeing _anyone_ , not even from the party the other night.

“ _uh, hi..._ ” Jensen pushed against Jared to show himself beyond the wall hiding him. He attempted to wave with arms full.

Milo's eyebrows raised and eyes widened. “Hello.”

“I'm Jensen.”

“Milo.” Milo turned his gaze to Jared, in a “ _why didn't you tell me? who the hell is this?_ ” manner. “You going to the den?”

“Yeah...” Jared hoped Milo didn't mind what he was about to do or that he was using his private space with a new friend. “... we're in the middle of a marathon and thought we'd put your flat-screen to good use.”

“Okay...” Milo still wasn't alleviated from concern or curiosity. “Don't make too much of a mess, that room is left for _me_ to keep clean.”

“We'll eat off the coffee table—-I swear. And if either of us makes a mess...”

“—I'll clean it up.” Jensen added as he elbowed Jared to move so Milo could land on the floor. “Nice to meet you, Milo.”

“uh, you too... whomever you are...” Milo watched Jared and this... Jensen? guy scurry off to the den and hobble behind the privacy of the huge wooden paneling.

~~&&~~

Jared closed the door, shaking his head. “Sorry 'bout that. I wanted that meeting to go much differently.”

“Settle down. It's okay. We'll have another chance to be introduced properly.”

“He's usually up at five or six in the morning, preparing things for Chad once he's awake.”

“They obviously sleep together, if they're in a relationship.” Jensen recalled hearing that Chad didn't wake up until noon. “How does he stay in bed so late?”

“I have no idea.” Jared had placed everything they had brought on the couch. He was going to clean off the coffee table. “I never asked because I wasn't even curious to Milo or Chad's private lives.”

“He looks—-fine, you know... Milo.” Jensen helped Jared and then they moved the coffee table some distance from the couches so they could sit on the floor in front of the huge-ass TV. “It's a trag—-well, he's too young to die is what I mean to say.”

“I don't know exactly how I'd be if I faced my mortality like he does. He takes the injury in stride, but I know he misses the competition. Being challenged by Chad Murray's daily schedule and routine. It just doesn't seem like it holds the same power or passion.”

“Depends.” Jensen dragged over some pillows, in case they wanted to sit on them or use the plushness at their back to lean on the couches. “Have you ever asked him?”

“What?”

“Instead of grumbling at Milo about how much time he's wasting as Murray's personal assistant—”

“—slave...”

“ _Whatever...”_ Jensen was becoming familiar with Jared's hatefulness toward Chad. “Why don't you ask him why he stays and doesn't complain?”

“Well, I'm pretty sure now I think his reasons have changed.”

Jensen walked over to the DVD box set, taking out one of the discs to put in the player. “Why? 'cuz feelings are involved and they care about each other?”

“I don't know.” Jared had to get up and go search for the iPad remote. “I know Milo can't return to the circuit, even if he was cleared.” He carried the thing like a book under his arm. “I guess I want to see him succeed as more than what he is now.”

“What if this is _exactly_ what he wants or what he knows he needs?” Jensen sat on the floor, nearing his plate of food.

“ _Jesus..._ stop laying the guilt trip on me.” Jared climbed down to the floor, by way of the couch because the infrared of the remote light for the whole unit was tricky when you were on the floor. “I already feel like I don't know Milo as well as I thought I once did.”

“You need to forgive yourself and you need to stop worrying about him so much or you'll push him further away than he feels to you now.”

“Speaking from experience?” Jared kept giving Jensen side-long glances. He was beginning to understand that most of what Jensen was telling him was something he had gone through on his own.

“A little.” Jensen picked up one of the pillows and threw it behind him to relax, with legs stretched out. He really thought the show looked better on this larger of a TV screen. It made a fan like him go all mushy inside for his favorite show all over again.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Jared was grateful that Milo left him alone with Jensen as they continued to finish the rest of the DVD set. Not only was Jensen using the time to catch up on sleep, when Jared got up to change to the next disc, settling back into his position on the couch, he was allowed to watch Jensen sleep uninterrupted.

They were both laying stretched out on the same sectional couch, each man had one portion with their head propped on pillows, meeting in the corner. Jensen had been laying on his back, so he could see the television bracketed on the brick wall; Jared was on his side so he wouldn't have to crick his neck to watch the monitor.

In slumber, Jensen tossed around, groggily apologizing for falling asleep on Jared. Jared shot down the sorry-s because he knew what was more important. Plus, at some point, the moment was less about being a fan of the show and simply about being with Jensen. Jensen flipped onto his side now, facing away from the cushions; he had resettled to where one hand was pulled to his body and the other was stretched up toward Jared.

For what felt like the last five minutes, Jared had been staring at that hand, transfixed by its shape, its color... how it was connected to a striking male form, innocently inviting touch. Jared didn't know when he stopped watching the DVDs, turning all his attention to Jensen and the parts he could see from his pillow: the dirty blond hair now matted and rumpled from tossing around, the profile from above of brow and down the slope of a strong nose as the face smooshed into the upper biceps.

Eyes traveled down the bent shape of muscles to the end of where the hand lay open on its side with fingers twitching in deep sleep. From his position, Jared wasn't close enough to do much but look, unless he stretched out his own hand, which he did. With the barest of touches, he traced the shape again, his fingers falling into the curves of Jensen's to slip down the palm and heel until he reached the pulse point of the wrist. Jared didn't know why but he latched onto the wrist, index finger pad soothing a pattern over Jensen's skin. His tiny action sent him into closing his eyes only for a minute and then he drifted off.

As Jared was lightly dozing, Jensen opened his eyes to blink to focus on the screen. He thought Jared was still awake, so when he lifted his head, trying to pull his arm back... he learned he couldn't and somehow their hands had merged—-by accident or on purpose. Jensen didn't know or could care less. As he eased out of Jared's grip, Jensen rolled completely onto his stomach, took away his pillow and slunk up the last few inches to drape himself behind Jared's head on the large decorative pillow.

Resting his head on a bent elbow, Jensen used the couch as a way to prop his body up. He brought over his free hand and began combing through Jared's longer strands. A few times, Jensen took a peek over to see if Jared opened his eyes, but he never did. When his bent arm became tired, he stretched out the ligaments and shaped his limb along Jared's body, pitching forward to use Jared as what propped his head up. Once he was done fiddling with Jared's hair, Jensen sent his hand down to clasp fully around that extended arm and hand that had been offered initially.

After a while, no one was watching the DVD playing on-screen, even as different plot resolutions were solved and new mysteries began. The two bodies cocooned around one another dreamed on oblivious. Thankfully, no one disturbed them until they were both fully awake. And still, though they each woke up to find themselves in close proximity, it really didn't matter. Like sleep had been had and that was all. They were taking turns using the bathroom, agreeing that they'd consider heading to the gym together—-maybe—-sometime this morning. Jared was the last of them using the toilet so Jensen was left to explore Milo's room.

A knock sounded on the heavy wooden door, which Jensen thought was peculiar. He said the only thing that came to mind, “Come in.” As the paneling opened, Jensen expected to see Milo's dark hair and pale skin... a completely new face made an appearance.

“Oh—-I thought—-I was looking for Milo.”

Jensen figured this had to be Chad Murray. He didn't know why he felt a little let down; he expected someone larger and taller. He didn't know why his image of the young man was of someone more formidable—-a true adversary to Jared. Jensen let out a small grin to know he was bigger and stronger than Chad Murray. A perfect opponent of equality in case he needed to defend Jared. “Nah, jus' me and Jared. Sorry.”

Chad was momentarily caught off-guard, only because he had some weird idea he'd been glanced over and found lacking. Jared wasn't his concern but a stranger in his house was, so he pushed on. “And _who_ might you be?”

“Jensen. I'm a good friend of Jared's.” Jensen could state in complete confidence.

Chad smirked, one side of his mouth quirking in hilarity. “ _mmm_ , of course you are.” He might not know much, but he did know Jared had less friends than he did.

To Jared's credit, he strolled out of the bathroom in time to prevent the near catastrophe about to happen. He saw Chad before he saw Jensen, but already he could feel tension building. He tried to see if Chad was recognizing who Jensen was or would put clues together to know exactly what was happening. Jared only knew this couldn't happen again without proper supervision. “Milo's out.”

“That's what I'm gathering.” Chad kept staring Jensen down as he turned to look at Jared. “Do you know when he'll be back?”

“Nope. Can't say.”

“Do you know when he left?”

“He's _your_ assistant. Try giving him a call.”

“I did. He's not answering. I heard some noise and thought he was in here, but—” Chad slowly turned his head to stare down “jen-sen” again. “I see that he's not.”

Jared sighed and faced Jensen. “Head on back to the guest house. We'll set Steau up for the day and then make our way to the gym.”

Jensen smiled, liking the sound of Jared's commanding voice. “If I don't see you, I'll be at the car.” He nodded toward Chad. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.” Chad watched the very attractive blond man exit his home. He crossed his arms to look at Jared. “I'm impressed, Jared Tristan.”

“Don't—-it's not what you think.”

“And what do ** _I_** think?”

Jared could actually tell that Chad had no idea who Jensen could be. He thought about mentioning it, but chose to keep him oblivious. “Nothing. Obviously.” He was almost to the open French doors when Chad had a few parting words.

“You really think this 'plan' of yours is going to work? That you won't—-slip one day and actually reveal who you really are?”

Jared realized he had underestimated Chad's depth of perception. He had been hoping their less-than-sober chat had been forgotten. “I know I won't. I hope others don't try taking a moral high road and forgetting that it's really none of their fucking business.” He had the door wide and one foot over the threshold.

“He's even more handsome than he was at the flea market. It's a shame to toss him aside for someone of lesser value.”

Jared could only narrow his gaze on Chad, not quite sure what the “challenge” in those words were about. Was Chad hitting on Jensen through Jared or was there something else going on more sinister than he could imagine? All he knew now was Jensen could no longer be left alone in Chad's company.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Jensen walked over to Jared on one of the exercise machines and found a good spot to set his hands down and interrupt the reps. “Take a breather before you pull a fuckin' muscle.”

Jared sighed, leaning back on the seat to close his eyes. “ _... sorry..._ ” he mumbled out as he started to take deeper breathes to regulate his breathing. He felt the cloth wipe at his face, then neck and upper chest. “I'm being a grump and it's not your fault.”

“I know it isn't. It's that Murray kid.”

“I'm probably working from a place of jealousy, but... I'm unwilling to be convinced that anything he does has good intentions.”

Jensen furrowed his brow, thinking. “Milo's your family. You care. I don't see a reason for explaining your animosity.”

“But... wouldn't Chad be, like... Milo's _boyfriend_? If I supported him, shouldn't I support Chad? Or at least be—-accommodating?”

Jensen had to chuckle, resting his hand on Jared's chest. “Dude, you don't even know _what_ they are to even speculate. Milo hasn't even come out to you. I wouldn't let the situation or Chad stress you out. He's simply scared.”

“I would be too, if I was in Milo's shoes.”

“No, I'm not—-well, yes... Milo _is_ scared, but I meant Chad.”

Jared wrinkled his forehead in perplexity. “ _Chad? Scared?_ Of _what_?”

“Same thing you are.”

“Losing Milo.” Jared spoke as if the thought came to him a lot quicker than usual.

Jensen nodded his head in agreement. “And I don't assume Milo's done much to reassure Chad of what exactly they are, either. One would think Milo can't do much until he knows what his outcome really is.”

Jared hopped off the equipment. “You ready to go?”

“You okay?” Jensen thought it was a weird reaction since they had just arrived about a half-hour ago.

“Uh, yeah... I just—-I'm kinda over this whole scene and working out. My head's not in it or something.”

“You wanna go somewhere and talk?”

“What I'd like to do is—” Jared shook his head as he paused and bowed chin to chest. “ _—christ—-never mind._ ” He was too ashamed to say he wanted to bail on this town and go hide somewhere, where nothing hurt and everyone was happy.

Jensen could sense a certain franticness in Jared, like those times Jensen wanted to be alone and in his own misery. “How 'bout we go pick up Cousteau and take him to the beach?”

Jared loved the idea, but the only reasons he went to the beach was to swim. “But you don't swim.”

“I'll walk along the edge of the water. Plus, I have you there to save me.”

“I thought you said you worked at a portrait studio.” Jared understood why he had lots of free time to kill, but how come Jensen did too? “Are you on vacation?”

“Nah, I work there part-time, every other weekend.”

“And this is your weekend or no?”

“No. Last weekend was. This weekend, I'm free.” Jensen motioned with his head for them to break free right about—- _now_... it was safe to go into the locker room. They strolled side by side on their way in through the double doors that swung on hinges.

“You gonna stay with your girlfriend?”

Jensen walked ahead of Jared, shuffling along the line of lockers down to their far corner. “Uhm, I don't know. I thought I might, but then... something else has been making me reconsider.”

“Oh, _what_?”

“You. Being with you. Hanging out with you.”

“ _Jesus...”_ Jared stopped walking to put hands on his hips. _“—_ you're thinking of cheating on your girlfriend with me.”

“How is it 'cheating' exactly? She likes the idea of me having a new friend.” Jensen had to pause in his steps, then backtrack a few steps to return to face Jared directly. “In fact, I think she'd encourage me to be with you as much as I can.”

Jared furrowed his brow in curiosity. Exactly what did Jensen had planned up his sleeve? “But this was going to be the BIG weekend. You work the next one. She probably knows this.”

“Nah, I'm gonna take your advice and slow things down. I'm not—-I don't think I'll loose any ground if I tell her what I'm truly feeling. I won't be that honest to make her think she's not attractive, but she'll know it's my fault. I'm gonna offer her those romantic nights out too.” Jensen gave a soft punch to Jared's stomach as he turned to walk down to their corner of the locker room.

“ _Oh, god...”_ Jared diligently followed on Jensen's heels. _“_ I can see it now—-you'll blame me for her dumping you. I'll never see you again. We might as well say 'goodbye' now.” As Jared went to move in front of Jensen to hold out a hand, Jensen looked down at the offering and declined.

“Please... don't joke about that.” Jensen quietly stepped around Jared to get to his locker. “I don't even want to imagine losing you now.”

Jared stared into the distance, unable to move. He felt a shift in him, this wild idea that he, too, couldn't fathom losing Jensen. “No one has ever said the things you do to me. _Ever._ And I feel like, even at my age, I've lived five lifetimes, working on a sixth.”

“Well, you should hear it every day. I promise you won't regret knowing me or having me in your life.”

“I'm afraid to promise you the same, because I know who I am and who I can be.” Jared was almost forewarning Jensen to be wary of him. “I don't want to hurt you.”

“I think it's inevitable.” Jensen shrugged it all away as if he could care less. “Especially with us. The lives we've had before we met. What we have to do different is... when we feel something, we need to voice it—-we fuck-up, we have to own the bitch. We have to look out for each other since we're getting to that place where we know and understand the other's idiosyncrasies.”

“Stop.” Jared placed a hand out in front of his body to touch Jensen's chest wall. “You're turning me on.”

Jensen smirked. “You English minors are all alike.”

“We should do something fun and exciting this weekend.”

“What? Have you NOT been properly entertained enough?”

Jared laughed outright. “There's Disneyland... or, uh... we could stay at a hotel in LA and hit places like the Roxy or The Viper Room. Or go up to this winery just outside of—”

“Jared... slow down.” Jensen loved Jared's excitement in life—-it was clear he had lived a fairly irresponsible lifestyle where money was no object. He couldn't help being addicted to Jared's simple, yet complicated pleasures. “It's only Thursday morning. We can talk it over when we get home.”

Both of them went still and quiet, realizing what Jensen had just said.

“ _Wow..._ ” Jared was blown away.

Jensen released some air on a stunted laugh. “Yeah, did I just make this _more_ awkward or what?”

“I'm shocked it slipped out so easily and I was about to humbly obey.”

“We're going to be sick of one another by next week.”

“It's bound to happen. I don't think long-lasting friendships get built this fast.”

“We'll take each moment as it comes. The minute you get sick of seeing my face or hearing my voice, we'll call it a day and go back to our separate corners.”

“We showering at yours or mine?”

Jensen couldn't help the snortle he let out. Everything they'd say to one another sounded quirky and weird. Jared joined in as soon as he noticed the other male gym member staring with wide eyes at them as he bolted out of the locker room.

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~... tbc...~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

 **hours later, afternoon...**

Jensen barely made it to the futon couch before he collapsed on the cushions. Jared took Steau off his leash and quickly joined in the human slouch-fest.

“God, I'm worn out and all we did was walk and lay out in the sun.” Jensen glanced down at his long-sleeved Henley and Khaki knee-length shorts. He lolled his head around to look over at Jared, who appeared fit and comfy in a short sleeve t-shirt and mid-thigh shorts, but he looked as equally exhausted as Jensen felt all over.

Jared set his arm up behind Jensen's head which made Jensen scoot over and lean on the warm frame. He glanced at his watch and a clock in the room. “Your roommates should be getting back soon.” He removed his arm to clamp over Jensen's bare knee, tugging on the limp arm. “C'mon... let's take this to your room.”

The promise of undisturbed sleep for hours beside Jared caused a new spring in Jensen's step. Jared led the way as Jensen followed, whistling for Steau to come along. The dog was eating his dry food and slurping water. Jensen figured he would keep his door slightly ajar or propped wide open to invite Steau in. Jared's eyes immediately went to the pile of linen shaped around the end of the bed, like they had been kicked off in sleep.

“I won't even ask.” Jared set one knee on the fitted-sheet-covered mattress and crawled weakly toward the headboard, taking the left side.

“Yeah, sorry. I kick the sheets off during the night, especially if I sweat.”

Jared had face-planted in a pillow, his arms curling under to pull the plushness to his cheek. As he rested on his belly, he glanced over at Jensen as he began to undress. “Is there a dress code for your bed?”

“There is for me. It's only my top shirt, I'll leave my tank-t on and my underwear and shorts.” Jensen looked over at Jared as he was toeing off dirty sneakers. “You like to leave your socks on?” This got Jensen kicked softly by Jared's toe-tips as he forced him to take them off, if he wanted. Jensen did, only because he was sleepy enough to do something stupid like rub Jared's feet. Not a full-on massage, but a roll-over pressure points and working out aching spots. Jensen chuckled when he heard Jared moan. He shifted back, swinging his legs up on the bed to lay back on the pillows. “ _ah—ahhhh!..._ ” Jensen closed his eyes and sighed deeply. He tried to move his feet below, but Jared's leg and feet were still in the same position he had left them in. “... jared...”

“...mmm...” All Jared did was lift dark eyebrows.

Jensen didn't have the heart to wrangle Jared awake, if he was about to drift off. So he tucked one foot under and one in between. There was a warmth and softness where they touched. Hard bone felt weightless and bristles of leg hair were ticklish. Jensen knew he wouldn't stay on his back for long and he didn't really like the view of his blank ceiling. He slowly rolled over to settle on his left side, liking _this_ view infinitely better.

~~&&~~

As the sun set and the sky darkened, Jared and Jensen slept on. Steau did come exploring but he could see two bodies on the bed, it was too high for him to jump. No one was fully awake to pick him up, so he lay on the crumpled covers on the floor, finding a familiar scent wafting off the materials.

Jared didn't know why he startled awake, only that he could swear he heard distant sounds seeping through the walls. They sounded like sniffles, as if someone was, or had been, crying. He rose onto his elbow, waiting for the noise to come around again. It wasn't long before he learned the soft sniffles were coming from right beside him. _Jesus..._

“ _Hey..._ ”Jared softly called out, placing a tender hand on Jensen's back.

Jensen refused to turn his head, remaining flat on his stomach. “... sorry, man... I'll stop in-a minute...” He kept wiping at his face on arms and pillows.

Jared didn't need the apology. He wanted to know what was on Jensen's mind. “Please don't stop on my account. I was about to wake you up to go check on your roommate.” He was happy to hear Jensen laugh a little. “Jen...” Jared leaned in to speak directly into an ear. “... I won't rest until I know what's wrong.”

“—besides me bein' a pussy?”

“You're not being a 'pussy'. You're feeling your emotions and letting them out. I think it's the most macho thing I've ever seen.”

“ _—bullshit—_ ” The laughter got Jensen to at least lift and move his head. He still couldn't look at Jared. He was too close and focused on him. Jensen could only feel embarrassment. “I usually save this stuff for the shower.”

“Tears and masturbation... AND a shower? Such a multitasker.” Jared let out a stunted snicker as Jensen playfully shoved him.

“You make me sound like a freak.”

“I can because I'm just as freaky as you.”

“Uh, yeah... _right_.”

“No, I'm serious.” Jared knew what to do to get Jensen out of his sad funk. “Do you know that I JUST learned how to touch my own body?”

“huh— _wha_ —?”

“Milo reminded me of how I was sexualized rather early in my puberty years. That I'd lay there, in the dark, and just furiously pump away—my hand or humping the bed... whatever got me off... and that I jumped right over foreplay with myself.”

“What a weird observation. I'm sure it was relevant to the conversation and he didn't just bring it up to embarrass you.”

“It was. Don't worry. Milo had been trapped in that bedroom with me. I was an avid pervert and interested in sex before he was. But, yeah...” Jensen remembered he should stick with one topic in one time-frame or else he'd be all over the place. “I was telling them—he and Chad—about my devastation at the break-up with my girlfriend. The offer of 'wooing' her back came up and Milo thought I didn't have this ability 'cuz I didn't even feel like 'wooing' myself.”

They shared a chuckle and Jensen's eyes filled with moisture for a completely different reason. He wiped at the corners of his eyes. “He is right though. There's so much more to masturbation than just takin' your dick in hand and stroking it until you come.”

“I don't know... it sounds odd to me, because I give pleasure to a woman quite well—which I thought was foreplay, and then we'd fuck. I don't know what step I'm missing.”

Jensen let his mouth gape a bit. “Really? Are you really askin' me?”

“Uh, yeah... I suppose I am' cuz you sound like you're about to scold me.” Jared slowly rolled his ass away from Jensen's reach, when Jensen caught the sly move, he shook his head.

“You did good— _for them_... but where did your own pleasure fall into the equation?”

“Isn't that what sex is... _my_ chance for release?”

“Yes, but... _man_ , you've got the basics of sex down, but that's about it. I wouldn't even gather you've explored other ways of having sex.”

“ _Other ways_?” Jared tilted his head as if Jensen was speaking in a foreign language.

“I'm not talking positions, what I mean is—”Jensen stopped because he figured out something. “You did it.”

“ _hmm_?” Jared wasn't going to boast, but he did let a little smile slip out.

“You changed the fuckin' subject on me and you made me forget why I was sad.”

“I know... tell me more about teh S-E-X...”

Jensen sat upright to shove at Jared, looming over him with the silliest grin on his face. “Please tell me you aren't as dumb about sex as you just appeared?”

“I'm really not, but I _do_ want you to continue.” Jared kept chuckling in between the words he spoke. “I thought you might demonstrate and bring out pie charts and diagrams... get a banana to show how to properly put on a condom.”

There was a bit of a struggle with their arms, mostly simply being playful and shoving and then swatting. “I must really like you lots if I'm letting you pick on me like this.”

Jared grabbed for Jensen's arms, leaving his fingers there to caress skin. “I kid, because I care. I care about you. About what makes you feel the way you do.” Being this close to Jensen, he felt trapped by that startling green gaze. “You fascinate me on so many levels.”

“I wanna tell you everything.” Jensen could tell they were diving into serious territory now. “I know you'll listen and you won't judge—you haven't so far. I'm only one heartbreaking tale after another—a walking sob story.”

“I'm not going anywhere.” Jared stared intently into Jensen's gaze, feeling sad that he averted his eyes. But it was only for a moment. “You can't chase me away.”

Jensen nodded his head, closing his lids as he bent down to press a chaste kiss to just above the right corner of Jared's mouth. He couldn't help noticing how dark brown lashes dropped to skin, while a mouth parted slightly with a little head turn. Jensen didn't move, keeping his face against Jared's, smooshing his nose on a rounded cheek. Jared still smelled like saltwater, beach and fresh air. The manly sweat wasn't a bother as much as Jared staring at a spot along his collar became.

“ _What_?”

“I spy 'F'.”

 _Freckles_. Jared had found more freckles.

“They came out since I was in the sun.”

Jared was about to lift his hand to lay his fingers on them, but Jensen prevented him from touching his flesh. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't. I _want_ you to touch me... once I give you permission.”

“Oh...” Jared had never had anyone deny him, and the action made him intrigued.

“I know you.”

“huh?'

“I know who you like to pretend to be. You don't have to be 'him' with me.”

“You wouldn't like who I really am.”

“I doubt that.” Jensen retook Jared's hand, looking deep into his eyes. “Allow me to teach you a few things... and I'll consider letting you in further to my personal life.”

“You want to see me squirm, get uncomfortable.”

“No... what I want is to please you, make you happy—in turn, that makes me happiest of all.” Jensen eyeballed Jared's throat, catching the slow bob of Adam's apple. He cleared his own throat, lifting his gaze along the strong jaw and over the sloped cheek to concentrate on the hazel eyes, unblinking. Leaning over, ever so slowly, Jensen pursed lips to press at the start of the dark hairline. He could feel breathes on his exposed skin, could sense the tight clench of the body beneath him. Jared feared him—that was far from desirable for Jensen. He decided to take as much time as needed, stretching out the minutes, until he could feel Jared loosen his tense muscles.

Jared couldn't recall a male being this close to him, this intimately. Not even his own father tucking him in and kissing him goodnight. When he felt the lips skim his hairline, he thought for sure his lips would be next, but they weren't. What was next was a nose-tip, lightly sliding across his upper brow, nostrils inhaling whatever scent his hair carried. He had shut his eyes, but now opened them to find his vision blocked by a wide torso, creamy pale skin with spatterings of singles, duos and clusters of freckles and a fresh-smelling cotton tank-t that still contained the cologne Jensen wore. This time Jared closed his eyes and floated back, releasing tension out of his body, leaving everything in Jensen's keeping. Jared didn't have to live up to expectations, didn't have to prove prowess or that he was the stronger one—the male conqueror.

Again, lips fluttered over his forehead, then moved to each eyebrow. Up came a hand, one lone thumb pad to brush over dark hairs. The hand cupped the side of his head, then soft lips rested over his lids. Jared let out a strangled breath, suddenly feeling like he wanted to touch or he wanted things to speed along, but now he felt the wight of another forehead on his own, the gentle brush of a knuckle over his lips.

“ _... jared..._ ” Jensen liked the way Jared's lips responded to his caress.

“ _... mmm..._ ” Jared lifted eyebrows, keeping eyes closed.

“Look at me...” It was a tender, curt command to be obeyed.

Slowly dark brown lashes fluttered open to find darkening green eyes staring directly into him. “ _... hey..._ ” Jared managed to choke out on another hard swallow.

Jensen smiled, sighing deeply. “I won't do anything you won't allow me to do. The second you show resistance is the exact second I stop. By the next time you resist me, no matter what... you can be assured I'll end this completely. No more.”

“But...” Jared only had one complaint: he had no idea to what was in store for him under Jensen's control and he was too damn curious to stop him even once. Right then, he knew that he must be giving off clues that he was uncomfortable or nervous—like a quirk Jensen could see or feel. Jared unclenched his fists and, from his lower body on up, he truly let go of all the fear he had been hanging on to. “I'm sorry. I'm not—”

“ _ssshhh..._ I'm as new to this territory as you are. I just can't resist you anymore or the way you make me feel.”

“I'm pretty tempting, aren't I? I'm what the ladies call ' _a tall drink of water_ '.”

Jensen smiled, shaking his head as he laughed. “I'm sure a few men have felt the same.”

“You _think_?” Jared didn't care much for men, just _one_ man.

“Well, you know...” Jensen shrugged one shoulder, not sure he liked thinking of Jared with other men. “—if one man—that would be me—feels that way, then there has to be several more thinking the same thing.”

“I'm your first?” Jared felt a little special, and giddy, at being someone's “first”.

“Guy?... yes...”

“ _hmm..._ you've never felt an attraction to other men?”

“Maybe, once or twice. Never acted on it. Thought it was a fluke. _You_?”

“Nothing but women.” Jared shook his head as he let his eyes travel over Jensen's body above him. “I've thought some male celebrities were attractive, but I've never—you know—filed away their looks to jerk off to later.”

“Do you think sexuality is important?”

“Uh... what do you mean?” Jared returned his gaze to Jensen's face.

“Is it important for you to identify as 'straight' so you don't get labeled 'gay', if you happen to find you like another guy?”

“Oh, like I'll turn around one day and go... ' _oh, whoops... I was always gay. My bad_ '—that kind of thing?”

“Yeah, because it's not important to identify anything, but to act on what you feel. At least, I've chosen to live my life that way. Problem is that I haven't felt like 'acting on' much.” Jensen narrowed his eyes on Jared. “Do you know what I mean?”

Jared nodded his head slowly in agreement. “I think I used to feel—a lot—when I was younger. But something inside of me took a swan dive at some point. I can feel myself going to the extreme side of the emotional spectrum, just to feel _something_. I only end up utterly empty.”

Jensen nodded his head as if he understood all to well what Jared meant. “What do you want in a lover?”

“Like—?”

“Forget the looks. Think about what's important to you to get to that feeling you think resembles love.”

“Most of it is unhealthy, I would assume.”

“How 'bout just a partner in life—your girlfriend. Was there something she gave you that no other woman could?”

“Uh, yeah... she was actually pretty cool when I met her. I tend to make people work to get to know me. And then she—well, I'm not much older than her but she let me help her a lot with her schoolwork for class. I was, kind of, her rock when she had a bad falling out with her parents. We came out here together; she's from Pasadena. We began to depend on one another, like we needed the other to survive—” Jared paused because he thought he was rambling and boring Jensen. “—sorry... kinda rude to go on about an Ex when I'm with you.”

“Why?” Jensen furrowed his brow, because it was obvious this girl was in Jared' past. “She was a huge part of your life. I may not know her, personally, but I can understand her type. What she gave and took from you.”

“Sex. Sex was the other thing that drew us together—do you mind if I—?” Jared gestured with his hand in mid-air the fact he wanted to go on talking. Weird, he usually didn't use the bedroom for light chatter—never for anything deeper or personal.

“No, no...” Jensen pillowed two pillows to lay a little higher than Jared. They were still tangle in their lower limbs, but now turned to face one another. “I wanted to know. I need to hear this.”

“Once she and I became friends and we became close, the next logical step was sex. Our first time was bad, because we were awkward and scared of losing our close friendship. Then one night we decided to have sex because we were determined to get it right, since we were horny for each other. She let me go down on her, I Iet her—well, short story was that it was great because we let inhibitions go and got our heads out of the equation.”

“You went with what you felt for each other.”

“As lame as that seems, yes... yes, we did.” Jared didn't know why, but he was smiling.

Jensen point with his right index finger. “That— _right there_ —is an excruciatingly beautiful smile. I'm a little jealous.”

“Don't be. It's only me arriving at a realization that my relationship with her wasn't all bad. Like how we made it great together... we fucked it up royally together. Equal blame, equal responsibility.”

“Did she blame you?”

“No, I did. She hated when I got like that, leaving her with little to nothing to improve on.”

“That's just who you and I are. We'll shoulder blame for anything to save someone else.”

“Even when we know it's not our fault.”

“Exactly.”

Jared sighed, glancing over at Jensen. “You can touch me or... do _whatever_ to me now.”

“Oh? I have your permission, do I?” Jensen rose to an elbow.

“My full cooperation as well.”

“Well, I'm flattered. Your first guy and... I have free reign.”

“Uhm, well, not...” Jared didn't get to finish that thought as Jensen's hand slid along his face to hold him steady as he kissed him—hard, once—then pulled back to rest his face on Jared's face, licking full lips as he dove in with a softer pressure, bottom lip covering the bottom lip as if to munch gently. Jared had never quite felt a kiss that hungry or ravenous and it quelled inside him to think Jensen imagined he could give him that satisfaction. He opened his mouth, inviting the warm invasion, then turned his head to seek a deeper groove.

Jensen caught his breath, losing a little balance as the hand sifted through tangled locks of hair. He pulled tenderly, only to gain control, but he forgot Jared was an equal partner in this situation. Jared's hands went searching, starting from under Jensen's armpits, they sculpted along the ribcage and down the torso to the waist. His fists bunched on the cotton and yanked, causing material to pull out of the shorts to slide up bare skin to expose the lower back, the dip of spine. Hands slid farther down to land on a rounded backside that filled both palms amply. Jared pushed, squeezed and parted, feeling the slow rub of Khaki zipper against his thinly covered groin.

Jensen gasped, rocking back, then forward, his lip gliding down and along Jared's throat to land on the collarbone as his cheek fit against the broad upper chest. He bit down softly, his own hands unable to figure out where to go as they stayed halo-ed around Jared's head. He made fists in the pillows and on Jared's hair, scraping nails as he tried to gain traction. It wasn't supposed to feel _this_ good, _this_ quickly. It wasn't supposed to be _exactly_ what he needed to feel like a complete man.

At a weak moment, Jared found a way to roll them slowly—Jensen on his back, legs akimbo as his body eased between the spreading thighs. He continued to lift the tank-t hem from the front, kissing from belly button upward, making sure to give attention to any freckle he might pass by. Jensen was moving beneath him, bumping bodies in all the right places. Green eyes were closed and arms were raised above the dirty blond head in wild abandon, Jared let go of the shirt, kissing over cotton and heated flesh until he met collarbone and neck. He slid their faces together—cheek to cheek—as he felt their lower limbs entwine.

Jared had to stop, pause and deep breathe. He knew if he didn't look into Jensen's face and connect eyes he would lose all common sense—well, the last thread he had right now. “ _... jen..._ ”

“ _I know..._ ” Jensen put his hands on Jared's torso above, then placed them on Jared's face. “ _Dear God, I know..._ I don't know what's going on, but I feel it too.”

“I'm not gonna say what I feel like doing, but... usually, I'm not this coherent.”

“I know, I know...” Jensen bumped brows with Jared. “I would've let you. I wanted you to... _so badly_.”

Jared turned his head, giving soft pecks to the palms around his cheeks, then climbed off Jensen to plop down beside him, keeping their bodies close and tight. “It was weird, but... oddly nice.”

Jensen stared up at the ceiling. “—you're a really good kisser.”

Jared elbowed Jensen. “Not so bad yourself.” He lifted up, slightly to the side, his arm under Jensen's head to hold him even closer. He rolled so he could touch Jensen with his left hand. “Your heart's racing like mine. You're warm all over.” He tucked a knee between Jensen's legs.

Jensen tried to breathe in-n-out through his nose, but all he kept smelling was Jared. He didn't mind, but _he_ was the one thing setting Jensen into a frenzy. He slid down in the bed, along Jared's body and tucked his face away. Jared felt the arms easily slide around him, hitching his shirt up along his back, the feel of fingers shaping and soothing, blunt nails scraping not scratching—everything about this moment gave him a different sensation. There was arousal, but it wasn't feral or ferocious; it lay dormant and comfortable, like it wanted to wait and was willing to wait. He attempted to think back to sex with Sophia—sex with any woman, really—hoping that somewhere back in time he hadn't cruelly taken what he wanted and left anyone bereft and lonely. He'd given a lot to make sure he suffered more than anyone, but the idea he may have truly been selfish and an asshole to boot left him worried. If it was this easy with Jensen, why had it been so much harder with everyone else?

Jared could really sense when Jensen let go, falling into a peaceful rest. The minute the whole body went slack, the limbs locked tighter. He didn't want to let go—ever. The arm already around Jensen held stronger as he rested his lower cheek and jaw on Jensen's head, feeling the silkiness of short hair. He turned his face to press lips on the temple, hearing a sigh and feeling air blowing over his skin. Jared took his free hand, soothing upward from Jensen's hip and along his right side to end at his back, wide five-fingered spread. He closed his lids for only a mere minute or two, but ended up going to sleep as he rubbed Jensen's back.

~~&&~~

 **later in the early evening...**

Jensen woke to change position, still wanting Jared around him, but behind him. He loved being able to feel the weight and hold at his back, the innocent way Jared would drape over him as an alternative to a pillow. Jared awoke from the movements, half-lidded and groggy yet able to resettle his body around Jensen once he turned onto his right side and they could spoon. The arm around his neck remained, which Jensen rested his head on, reaching up to clasp the hand. The hand that had been on his back went from holding his hips and waist to resting curled up the center of his chest. Jensen flipped a bit to cradle Jared's arm to his body. With some caution, Jensen pushed backward with his bottom, connecting right at Jared's pelvic bone, which caused Jared to softly moan, dipping his head into Jensen's hair at his nape. After a few minutes, Jared untangled his left leg, then ran the limb along Jensen's bent legs to lock about the lower half of his body.

Jensen was trapped within the folds of this gentle giant and this damsel in distress was in no distress ready to be rescued. In fact, there was complete and total contentedness, no want of getting away or attempting to escape. He snorted at the lame analogy, but it was a way to decipher how he truly felt. For years, he had felt trapped in his self-imposed tower and wanting someone—anyone—to come along to save him. There was no sense of bad guy versus good guy—Prince Charming or an Evil Villain... there was only them, a little bit of both and a little bit—not.

~~&&~~

 **hours later...**

They had both woken up and didn't say much or didn't move a whole lot. It wasn't that they didn't have anything to say, it was only that being together, for them, was becoming more about the moments and savoring time. Words weren't important because actions spoke louder.

They remained spooned, resting in the feel of being close and finding solace. Chaos was right outside the bedroom door and neither wanted to move an inch. They did move a little: hands gripped tighter, fingers caressed and legs rubbed. At one point, Jared did roll onto his back, but it was to sneeze; Jensen “god-blessed” him and Jared curled himself back around. It seemed like a good time to start to really talk and think about moving to get out of bed. One of them had to feel grubby or achy and in need of a shower. Didn't either of them need to pee? It was unreal how they didn't even worry too much about dehydration or starvation.

One of them did hear the soft bark and then the _tap-tap_ of doggy nails on the floor.

“ _Shit._ We need to get up and see if Steau needs something.”Jensen managed to turn a little onto his back.

“Do we hafta?” Jared bent down to rest his chin on Jensen's shoulder, moving to press his lips at the back shoulder blade.

“No. We don't have to do anything.” Jensen was serious. “Not if you don't want to.”

“This should feel more awkward, right? Or at least feel like we're doing something wrong?”

“Who are we hurting? Who's been wronged?”

“Well, I know I'm not hitched, but you—”

“Ah... I see. Sophia—my girlfriend.”

“And there it is...” Jared began to roll over and pull backward. “—a little dose of reality.”

Jensen quickly sat up to catch Jared before he rolled away. “Don't... please... it's not—we're not... this is, I meant to say, she and I aren't really together in the sense of boyfriend and girlfriend. I call her that 'cuz there's no other label for her to say, ' _I occasionally enjoy hanging out and going to dinner with you_ '...”

“It's called _dating_ , Jen.” Jared knew he was being irrational, feeling hurt and achy. “It's what boyfriends and girlfriends do.”

“But you know I'm not— _please_ , you know it's not like it should be for me.” This was probably the “hurt” point Jared was trying to make—well, they both knew the hurt would eventually surface, just not when. “I told you I'm not attracted to her the way she wants or deserves.”

“Yet, there she is, hanging in the balance. Dangling precariously while you continue to make her think that you do feel something for her.” Jared stood, beginning to pace. “ _Whoa... whew..._ did I just sound like a jealous bitch or what?”

Jensen smirked because he knew Jared wasn't running out on him. “Eh, I was briefly afraid—maybe. You sounded kind of passionate about hating that she's in my life—in the background. Taunting us.”

“I have no rights to lay claim on you, yet... I just tried to.” Jared groaned at the pathetic way he was acting. “What does that mean?”

“Well, it could mean a few things. You could just be feeling like you don't want to lose me, lose my company since our friendship is new. Or you could be scared that the second I'm with her, I'll forget you ever existed. Or... you feel like I do—that there's something here, between us... viable... that you want to explore. You don't want anyone interfering or any outside influences interrupting.”

“What if it's all those things, an' maybe a few more?”

“Then I think we should tread carefully, not make any future promises to one another and just let what happens happen. Try not to tip the scales in someone else's favor.”

“You mean...” Jared took a hard swallow, unsure he wanted to hear what he was just about to say out loud. “—go back to our lives for a bit to cool off?”

“Maybe just for a few hours.” Jensen hated the idea about as much as Jared did, but it was something they had to do—if only to see what would happen. “We can call or make plans to meet up later. Touch base with our lives and get back to one another when we feel like the time is right.” He rolled out of bed to stand.

“Can you drive me home?”

“Chad's?” Jensen moved around to look for his shoes.

“No. _Home_ -home. Milo's old apartment. I've taken over the keeping while he lives with Chad.”

“Is it far?”

“A little ways out of town, but—no, not far.” Jared started to moved around to see if there was anything of his around the bed or on the floor, before he gathered his shoes to put them on outside of the bedroom.

“Okay... do you want me to keep Cousteau for awhile? I'd hate for him to have yet another new home to get used to.”

“Uh, yeah... thanks. That would be cool of you. I know how much he loves it here already.”

Jensen kept his head bowed chin to chest as he stepped out of the bedroom. “eh, it'll give you an excuse to come see me.”

Jared followed but stopped at the bathroom door. “I'll just—I'll go take a piss and then we can go.”

“I'll be here when you get back.” Jensen called from the kitchen as he went to give Steau more water and fill up his dry food dish. He stopped for a minute to catch his breath, feeling his heart race with fear... like he was about to slip into panic mode. Not in front of Jared... _not in front of Jared... please..._

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **hours later, early morning of the next day...**

Jared heard the knocking as he rolled over. Squinting, he read the digital clock and grumbled. He tore off the single sheet from the bed and secured the material around his waist.

“ ** _COMING! COMING!_** ”

The weird hour made him fear that it might be the landlord with something bad or worse to tell him. He opened the door and came face-to-face with the man plaguing his fretful sleep. “Jen, _wha_ —?”

Jensen plastered a hand high on the doorway molding, leaning exhausted, trying to hold up his own weight. “I'm a coward.”

“huh?” Jared didn't think he had seen a more breathtaking sight.

“I told you we should spend time apart because I thought—” Jensen attempted to stand upright, swiping a hand over his face. “—what you needed to not feel suffoc—” He paused, hands on his hips. “ _Fuck_. I can't sleep. I'm fuckin' ruined from even closing my eyes 'cuz I can—'cuz I can't feel you there unless you ** _are_** there. See, _shit..._ ” Jensen rubbed at his nape, keeping his head bowed. “I told you I have no imagination. I'm too honest. I want the real thing.”

Jared couldn't stand Jensen being that far away anymore; he tugged on Jensen's dangling hand and walked him into his arms. His hold was solid, his heart beating fast and breathing labored. He could feel Jensen weaken in his embrace as the arms surrounded him with the shock of Jared finally being real. It was an interesting sensation to hold a completely dressed form to his naked one; the only thing separating them was a thin cotton-blend sheet. Jensen buried his face in Jared's neck, attempting to hide away his shame.

“ _—'m sorry..._ ”

“Don't be.” Jared let out a light laugh, keeping his lips on skin. “I wasn't sleeping too well either.”

“This might become a habit I don't want to kick.”

“It could become precarious if you do start to 'officially' date—running off in the middle of the night to come sleep in your best friend's bed.” Jared thought this was really strange to embrace one another and hold a conversation.

“You still want to be friends?” Jensen was stunned by Jared's need to have him in his life in some capacity, because he felt the same way.

“I never stopped wanting. I know it's not like—well, like what I have with Milo, but it's what I _need_ in my life now.” Jared buried his face in the niche of Jensen's neck and shoulder. “If you're willing to give it.”

“I am. I so am.” Jensen was the one who pulled away first. They both simply stood still right they let one another go. Jensen had a grip of one of Jared's arms; Jared cupped a hand low on Jensen's hip bone. “I don't—I usually know what to say but words escape me because all I wanna do is feel when I'm with you. I don't want words to clutter what's between us. I'm afraid they just don't convey what I feel, how you make me feel.” Jensen slipped out of his jacket, letting it fall to the floor at his feet. “Are we alone?”

“Yes. Completely.”

“Good. I didn't want anything to disturb us. A few of my roommates are back. They absolutely adore Steau. I think he'll be fine for a few hours.”

“C'mon... I'll show you where we'll be sleeping.” Jared led the way, but he kept turning to glance over his shoulder at Jensen. “I don't usually sleep naked when I'm alone, but for some reason I wanted to tonight.”

“Same here. It didn't help. Not even taking off every last sheet on my mattress.” Jensen stopped Jared at the bedroom doorway. “I could still smell you. It was unsettling.”

Jared almost tripped on the way to the bed, simply because he loved the way Jensen used words to talk to him. He could drown in them, never knowing they were words he'd been dying to hear said to him for years. “C'mere... I'll help undress you, if you want.”

“Do you mind if I keep my underwear on?”

“No, I don't. I can—do you want me to put on some briefs?”

“Please, but...” Jensen glanced down first before he stretched out a hand to touch the knot of the sheet around Jared's waist. “Can I look at you, before you hide yourself away again?”

Jared walked into Jensen's hand, quietly offering him his body to look at. He thought it was going to be a quick reveal and he could don the briefs, but Jensen had other ideas. Jared should've known; it was going to be a seduction, a temptation to draw him in, which apparently he was easily susceptible to.

At first, it was a fist pulling and dragging him closer, then it grew to two hands and they were standing toe-to-toe (well, toe-to shoe). Jensen kept his head straight, eye-line forward and no space left between their bodies, he slowly pulled apart the folds of the sheet. Jared gasped as he closed his eyes, feeling air on his cock, threading through his testicles and up the spread of his ass. The backs of Jensen's fingers brushed up and down the flat wall of abdomen, then he took one last step forward to press open lips and tongue on a dark mole just at the jut of bone around the collar. Biting and licking up the throat, Jared finally awoke to bring up his own arms to surround his hands around Jensen's head to keep him steady. He had to dip low to take the open mouth, but Jensen eventually craned his neck to accommodate.

The kiss was deep and long, neither man breaking apart to even breathe, just using the other's air to suffice. Jensen's hands cupped Jared's hips, sliding around to palm the flexing buttocks and spread them wide as he pulled Jared's naked form flush with his body. He couldn't feel Jared's stiffening length, but he knew Jared would feel the roughness of his jeans, right at the button-fly. Jared's hands hurriedly slid down to rest on Jensen's upper chest and then he just yanked on the side of the button-down shirt, sending those buttons pinging, flying about as the cheap clothing tore. While Jensen worked on undoing his jeans and button-fly, Jared pulled the tank-t off from the back, nearly ripping that too. Jensen was able to get the denim below his knees and then shimmied down the material to kick his legs and feet out, flicking them away.

Their faces slip-sliding together, mouths kissing everything but lips. Jared had his fingers at the ridge of the elastic band, pleading with Jensen could he just lower them enough to feel—and then the thin material fell, pooling at bare feet with the rest of the discarded clothes and sheet. A hand at Jensen's nape and one at the upper curve of his backside, Jared meshed their bodies and instantly felt the extreme heat pulsating against the flesh of his thighs. God, it was hot—hardening and growing, the bristles of coarse pubic hair caused him to stiffen, his balls tightening to feel the rush of hormones, a churning arousal he knew he'd satisfy, but never satiate. He moved them to bump the end of the bed and then he placed his hand on the mattress to lay them down as one. Jensen looked about as horny and wanton as he felt.

“I don't want to fuck you.” Jared wanted to make this fact very clear.

“I know.” Jensen reached up to sculpt his hand along Jared's body above him. “I don't either—want to fuck or you to fuck me.”

“But I want you.” Jared said the words against Jensen's mouth, letting the sound vibrate between them.

Jensen strangled out the words in a whispered tone. “I want you too.”

“I need you.” Jared opened his eyes to stare down at Jensen's intense green eyes.

“I need you more.” Jensen curl his arms around Jared's neck to bring him closer as he loomed.

“If we do this...” Jared bent his head, his hand smoothing around the right breast to play over the rapidly beating heart and caress the pert nipple.

“... it doesn't change a thing.”

“It'll change us, but that's what we want, _right_?” Jared's lifted his gaze with the raise of one eyebrow.

Jensen nodded his head, knowing exactly why he returned to Jared's apartment. “Yes, there's nowhere for us to go but forward.”

They weren't far up the bed, just barely far enough away from the bottom edge of the mattress.

“Am I okay?” Jared was fascinated how easily their bodies fit together. “Am I heavy?” he was about ready to lift and move, but Jensen's hands were quick to grasp and steady him.

“No, no... you're good.” Jensen squeezed and pulled Jared deeper against him. “You feel good _on_ me, _over_ me. It's getting me hard.” He was moving his face along Jared's, his lips muttered the words against the skin, toward an ear. “ _Do you feel_?”

“Yeah... I do...” Jared almost choked from the arousal he felt, the one he kept feeling. “I feel like I could explode.” he tried to look down between their bodies to make sure he wasn't poking Jensen's or dripping body fluids everywhere. “I might have spilled some already.”

Jensen gave a soft chuckle, bringing his hands over to shape Jared's head to keep him looking at him so their eyes never disconnected. “You have a tendency to leak a lot of pre-come?”

“Yeah... god, yes, keep doing that.” Jared rolled his eyes back into his head as he felt Jensen undulate underneath him. “Some girls like it, but not most.” _God..._ what the hell was Jensen doing with his body that made him get so hard, so fast? “— _unngghh_... I might come just from you doing that.”

“Do you want to wait? Try to come together?”

“Could we actually make that happen our first time?”

“It doesn't hurt to try. If we don't succeed, there's always later.” Jensen brushed their foreheads together, making sure he touched Jared's face to let his feel how gentle he could be, how tender they could be together. He started to pull apart, crawling backwards, on his elbows, eying Jared who was shuffling along on his knees. Jensen propped pillows high above his head, out of the way, as Jared slipped between his spread thighs.

Jared was about to lay on Jensen, but was then flipped over to land on his back. His eyes widened briefly to wonder what Jensen had planned to do, but then he watched as Jensen threw one leg over his right leg. Gently he thrust against him, their bodies still tight and cocks still squished between them. Jensen was riding Jared's leg for a few seconds to give Jared an idea, then he rose upright. Jared bent his right leg to give Jensen to balance against. Jensen had risen to his knees, resting a little on Jared's thigh.

Bracing his hand flat to the wall about his bed, Jensen bent forward to loom over Jared, hand reaching down to wrap around Jared's erection, his hand twisting and turning in different directions as they smacked lips together. Jared gasped a few times, caught unaware by the feeling of another man's hands on him, stroking expertly. Jensen pulled and tugged on the oval shapes of the testicles, his fingers tenderly soothing over the skin between sack and anus. Jared felt the need to open his legs at the sensation, the anticipation of what could become of sex between two men. As Jensen returned to jerking him off, Jared bit down on his bottom lip on a cry, then turned his head away. Jensen took advantage of the stretch of pale neck exposed.

Jared brought over his own hand to start stroking Jensen's stiffening length gently. He loved that he could see patches of freckles that went down into the pubic hairs, burnt red hair mixed in with the dark blond curls. His thumb played over the cocktip as he gasped as he felt Jensen's finger slip past his testicles and up the crack of his ass. He had no idea it was such an arousing spot on his body that would make him open and lift his backside, then turn his head to seek out Jensen's mouth. It was a deep, hard kiss that matched the pull and tugs of one another's cocks.

When Jensen broke away to kiss and lick along Jared's jawline, he headed down the elongated neck as Jared arced off the bed, lifting his arms high to push at the back wall behind his head. Jensen was bending his body so that his ass stuck out and cock and balls dangled against Jared's thigh. Jared pet along Jensen's outer thigh to come up a hip, cup the waist then slide over to palm one cheek. Jensen shifted on his knees so now he was back to being meshed into Jared's body, and he bent to thrust slow and deep. Jared slowly ran his hand up Jensen's back, then grabbed onto the nape of his neck.

“ _—ride me..._ ” Jared silently begged, almost growling out under breath.

“ _uh-huh..._ ” Jensen hid his face in Jared's hair barely able to say a word.

“ _... i've got you... won't let you go..._ ” Jared kept panting along with Jensen's heavy breathing.

Jensen sent his hand down again to encapsulate Jared's length in his whole hand, fingers loosely surrounding the hard shaft. He moved, his hand moved. Then he let go to hold onto Jared, and Jared took himself in hand, watching and feeling Jensen falling to pieces in his arms. It was hearing Jensen's soft cries, feeling the quickening jolts of his body above him and then the mere idea of simply being the sole reason for Jensen's arousal in the first place that caused Jared's to jerk rapidly to an eventual orgasm of his own, while he felt Jensen's spasms still flurry around him in the middle of his own release of pleasure.

They lay like that for what seemed like longer than typical, but they were both afraid to move, afraid to lose their connection... losing one another. Jensen shifted off, wanting to lay against Jared, but his left leg was still locked around Jared's right leg, and Jared's foot was still planted flat to the mattress. Jared held on tight to Jensen, loving the weight of his body that wasn't heavy or cumbersome like he would think. Jensen slunk down to rest his cheek over Jared's left breast, the lay utterly spent over Jared.

“Tell me when I'm too much, I'll climb off.”

“ _mmm_ , no... you're good... you're _so_ good...” Jared one-arm hugged Jensen, then pressed a long kiss to the sweaty brow, keeping his lips against the skin.

After a while, Jensen turned to face the other way, like he was ashamed of something. Then Jared simply hooked his arm tighter, bringing his other hand up to pet and comb through the short, moist hairs on Jensen's head. There was a little bit of sniffling, Jensen trying to wipe the wetness away with his hands, then on Jared's own skin.

“ _—jesus... fuck... 'm sorry..._ ” Jensen inched up to wrap his arm around Jared to bury his face in the side of Jared's neck.

“ssshhh, you don't owe me anything, Jensen... I just want you... an' I want you happy...”

“I think I'm getting there...” Jensen nodded his head, a small smile shaping his lips as he closed his eyes in bliss. “... I think I'm almost there...”

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~... tbc...~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

 **hours later, well-past noon...**

They were seated at the breakfast bar, snacking on food they should've eaten earlier before they had crashed. They could've cared less. Jared and Jensen were cracking jokes on each other, unable to not touch the other without a hand or an elbow in the ribcage. There was finally a lull in their light banter, where they were munching and sipping as they let the comfortable silence settle between them.

Jared set a hand on Jensen's knee, leaning over to notice a rather flashy new electronic device. “What's _this_?” He swiped up the object to admire the sleek look, turning it on as he kept pressing buttons. “Stepping into the 21st century, I see.”

“Nah, man... that's my back-up.” Jensen scratched at his scalp. “I seem to have lost my day planner. I don't know, maybe I misplaced it and I'm completely fuckin' blind.”

“Really?” Jared frowned with some concern. “What did you have in it?”

“I tended to use it like a wallet, off-n-on.” Jensen looked at a part of the ceiling to let his mind wander backward to think of the entire list of what he held inside that piece of junk—well, to other people it looked like it was a piece of trash. “My whole schedules were in there. Some notes. A contact list. Just years and year of me collecting information I'd need. But—thank god one year my sister got tired of seeing me carry that monstrous thing and she bought me _this_.” He gestured over to the small Blackberry Mackenzie had given him.

“ _Whoa...”_ Jared had no idea that Jensen had something like that in his life. “Did you call and cancel your credit cards?”

“I don't have many.” Jensen shrugged away the concern. He had slowly gotten over its loss, if that was the case. “I stopped carrying important cards in there. They're in my real wallet.”

“When do you recall having it last?” Jared at least wanted to try and help retrace some of Jensen's steps over the past few days.

“Uh, fairly recently. A little before you and I met.”

Jared nodded his head, then made a face as if to say Jensen was probably right about that first thought. “It's probably back at the loft, like you said. Just hiding in the least place you'd expect.” He started to hack into Jensen's phone.

“ _Wha_ —?” Jensen had recently tried to figure out how to work the damn thing, and Jared picked the phone up and knew exactly how to get into the menu. “What are you doing?” He wanted to snatch it out of Jared's hand before he changed everything on him, like a prank.

“Me. I'm not in here yet.” Jared was furiously typing away to put all his information in Jensen's contact list section. “I'm giving you all of my contact numbers.”

Suddenly, Jensen wanted to make an excuse for why he hadn't gotten around to adding anything for himself. “You're not on there because I don't know how to work that thing too well.”

“Well, be grateful you got me.” Jared hit one button, then handed the phone back to Jensen. “I'll even teach you, if you're willing.”

Jensen leaned on his bent arm on the counter, smirking with a twinkle in his eye. “... thanks...”

“ _Sheesh...”_ Jared waved his hand in front of Jensen, then had his palm facing out to block the entire face, especially those green eyes that kept wanting to devour him. _“_ I don't know if I'll ever be able to get used to the way you look at me.”

“Does it bother you?” Jensen granted Jared relief and look away, then down at his bowl of cereal.

“No... uh, nah... not too much, but...” Jared was trying to backtrack so he didn't hurt Jensen's feelings. “—it's almost like how one looks at another when they're smitten or, you know, some romantic shit like that.”

Jensen nodding his head as he pushed a few things around. “I'm sorry.” He rubbed over an eye still fighting sleepiness. “It's just...” he felt the need to explain himself so Jared wouldn't keep feeling creeped out by him. “I saw this painting one time—can't remember exactly where though, but it struck me quite profoundly. I used to stare at it and wish I was there.”

“A painting? Really? It's not an abstract, is it?”

Jensen chuckled, shaking his head. “Nah... no... it's a really simple portrait, but not a portrait. Just a guy standing at the edge of a beach, staring... contemplating... tall, broad-shouldered... same wispy lengthy brown hair as you. It's by some French painter, I think.”

“Cool.” Jared thought it was kind of awesome that his looks were kind of classic or... international. “You'll have to point it out to me one day. I'd like to see it.”

Jensen heard a phone ring in the distance. “ _Wait_? What's _that_?” He had some idea that Jared messed with his phone to give him a muffled ringtone.

“Sounds like _my_ phone.” Jared climbed off the stool. “Excuse me. I think it's still in my bedroom.

Jensen slid off his own stool, walking their garbage and dirty dishes into their rightful places. Jared strolled out of the small hallway, his thumbs frantically typing away.

Jensen glanced up with a furrowed brow. “Everything all right?”

“That girl I told you about, the one I met at Chad's party—Katie. She's just invited us to her place. Some kind of 'intimate gathering'.”

“Oh? Tonight?” Jensen stretched and yawned again, wishing for more of a lazy day of nothing but the bed... maybe the couch. Or whatever.

“Yeah. I'm telling her we can't make it, but to keep us in mind for the next one—with better notice.”

Jensen smirked off one side of his mouth. “Have you sent the text yet?”

“Uh, no...” Jared paused in his typing to look at Jensen under his lashes with a tiny smirk on his lips. “... _why_?”

“I don't know. Let's go.” Jensen threw his hands up in a sign of defeat. “I'm, uh... feel strangely social at the moment.”

Jared was momentarily stunned, mainly because things had changed in the last few hours and he had thought—or maybe he had assumed too early. “Are you sure? Because you _do_ realize she's still under the assumption we are a couple and that... she could be a part of 'our' action?”

“And what 'action' would that be exactly?” Jensen pretended innocence.

“ _Wait..._ you're not... are you—are you truly willing to go through this— _now_?!” Jared put a hand to his chest in mild shock, stunned by Jensen's quick decision.

“Well, in all fairness... wasn't she supposed to be _for me_ , in the first place?”

“Jen...” Jared walked over to straddle his stool again, leaning forward on his arms.

“What?”

“I'm not normally outraged but—I'm outraged.”

“No, you're not. Admit it. You're curious. Just like with what's going on between us.”

“But—”

“But— _what_?” Jensen washed off the dinner plates and dried off his hands. “No one will know but us—and Katie. I know I'm not gonna blab this all over town. I most likely won't even tell Sophia... just like she won't ever know about us—well, the other side of us.”

Jared bit down on the side of his cheek, suddenly perturbed beyond words. “Think that's wise?”

“I think going into some long drawn-out explanation will confuse her further.” Jensen hoped that at some point Jared would simply tell him to shut the fuck up and kiss him or... but the idiot let him go on and on with his ridiculous idea about tonight. “I'll probably still confess to her that I'm not—well, you know... but I need to know, before I see Sophia again, that I'm still... aroused or... arousing or— _whatever_.”

“ _oh-kayyy..._ ” Jared was more than perplexed because he sure thought the last few hours in his bed proved that rather blindingly. He attempted to not be hurt by the suggestion or the blatant comments.

Jensen was wandering off, going back to the bedroom to dress. Right in the center of the floor of the apartment, he spun on the ball of his foot and walked back to Jared. He was quick to tuck his arm, then his body, into Jared's frame. “Don't you dare read into any of this to mean I can't be or I wasn't aroused by you, or what we did. I'm talking about the fact that Sophia's a young woman as is Katie. I'm assuming she's attractive, just by how eager you were for me to meet her and... see if I could still 'get it up' for a lady in the bedroom.”

Jared shut his lids, slowly nodding his head in agreement as he released a heavy sigh. “See... this is what gets me in fights with women. I say or do one thing and as time goes on—I don't know... what I once let pass, I find fault with until I'm a jealous and raging loon.”

“Sounds a little like me.” Jensen let the smile he had been holding in slip out. “I want the friendships, relationships... that close human connection, but once I'm in, I don't want it as much. I don't fight or struggle with the other person. I war within myself and then I go numb. I start to appear cool, detached and unfeeling... all it is, is my defense mechanism.”

“ _God..._ I can be like that sometimes.” Jared set his phone down, then buried his head in the bends of his arms on the counter. He felt Jensen soothe a hand over his back. “It's like we're twins.”

“It's okay if you do it.” Jensen pressed his face into Jared's shoulder, he had his mouth against the roll of the joint. “It's not gonna make me suddenly hate you or like you less.”

“Now that we know we both do it, maybe we'll be self-aware to the point where we don't do it at all.”

“I'd like that.” Jensen hopped up backward on the high stool, still leaning toward Jared. “I know it's only been a few days...” He couldn't help but reach out to take Jared's hands into his clasp.

“It feels like I've known you forever too.” Jared let his hands be taken, wanting Jensen to touch him, watching him touch his skin.

“I'm here—with you—for the long haul.”

“Me too. Oddly enough.” Jared snorted out stilted laugh, shaking his head. “This is usually when I'd bail.”

“If it's not do-able for you, send her the text.” Jensen gave Jared a light squeeze then took off. “Let me know, 'cuz I'm still gonna get dressed.”

Jared was deep in thought as he contemplated what to do. Once he had made a decision, he followed Jensen into the bedroom with a wide smile on his face. For now, he wanted a very lazy day with Jensen... probably take him to the guest house, have another grilled lunch and then go for a swim. Then go inside and... well, yeah... he kind of thought as long as they were together until later on tonight, it didn't matter what they did.

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **late evening...**

Katie Cassidy lived in Sherman Oaks, having purchased an old starlet's mansion with several friends. Most of them—including Katie—worked in the entertainment business, so quite often some fairly famous people would make an odd appearance at their home when they chose to throw an impromptu party or get-together. Not tonight, though. This was an intimate setting of new and old friends, some ex-es as well.

When Jared and Jensen had arrived, they stuck together like glue. Jensen wasn't shy or nervous, he simply didn't know anyone except Jared. Jared was the one who could “break the ice” of any conversation with anyone. Jensen clung to that, soaked it in and began to incorporate Jared's character and mannerism into himself. It made for some lively chatter and some rather up-roaring comical moments as those watching Jared and Jensen found their witty bantering enchanting and enthralling. Once people felt comfortable enough with

Jared's charm and looks, they began to notice Jensen more: those lively green eyes crinkling at the corners in mirth and genuine happiness, the elongated stretch of neck as he would throw his head back in laughter and his over-all stunning beauty as a man who appeared calm and content in his own skin.

That's when Katie started to notice Jensen. Then she sighed, licking her lips over the tall drink of water that was still Jared Padalecki. Standing together, almost dressed alike in button-down shirts of the same color and jeans, but different styles and cuts... it was the way Jared and Jensen carried themselves that made them attractive as a couple. Katie could picture the shorter man being overpowered by his giant of a partner, but the idea of flipping that scenario... of Jensen taking Jared caused Katie to almost wet her panties at the mere thought. Someone broke through her trance by touching her arm.

“I'm sorry. I'm here, I swear.” Katie combed her painted fingernails through her long hair, throwing the strands over her shoulders. “Rough day at work. I had that bitch in my chair today for _seven_ hours.” She made an “air strangle” motion with her hands. “I feel like I should just tape all our sessions and mail them anonymously to the studio or, maybe, to the director himself.”

“Think about it, process it, peel it off and then forget it.” Shelby, Karie's oldest and dearest LA friend, waved her hand in the air to calm poor Katie down. Of course, she did this while a long cigarette dangled from her fingers. “Those kinds of people eventually run out of us peons and minions and they start eating their own young or chew off their own foot.”

“I think she's sleeping with one of the producers.”

“ _hmm..._ really?” Katie swished her head from side to side as one of her co-workers busted out with a bit of gossip. “Why am I not shocked?” She cleared her throat, then turned to face the semi-circle of men and women around her. “So... I wanna thank you guys again for showin' up on such short notice.”

“Are you kiddin' me? I need tonight with the week from hell I've had.” Shelby sat down on the arm of one of the sofas. “You guys should do more of these, but, like... make it an all day picnic/bar-b-que thing... or spread it out over a long weekend. You know how much we all love this house. You got plenty of guest rooms to hold a three-day party... or four-day weekend.”

“Now THAT I can get behind.”

“Mmm... I know a few bodies I see tonight that I'd love to get behind.” A new voice interrupted Katie's talk with one of her best friends from work, Antoinette. “Sorry, but I just had to come say that you've outdone yourself tonight, Kay...”

“Why thank you.” Katie did a small curtsy in her very short mini.

“And your, uh...” Antoinette was motioning with her head behind her. “—'prospective' new boyfriends are delectable beyond words, m'dear.”

“What? Katie-bear, is this true?” Shelby took a long drag of her cigarette.

Katie cleared her throat as she nodded her head. “Well, I'm hoping it is. I really need that kind of company tonight.”

“Okay... I must be blind.” Shelby looked around her, her dark jet black hair twisting as her torso did. “Point them out again, please. I need to make my own predictions.”

“All right... Chad Murray—you know him?”

“Unfortunately,” Shelby grumbled.

“Yes...” Antoinette crushed away the thought of Chad Murray. “—but go on.”

Katie tried to squelch her need to laugh outright. “Well, Chad and I go way-back... well, we still have each other's numbers and keep in touch. So Chad invites me over. I finally get to meet this new PA of his—who I have to say... when Chad told me what he used to be, I wasn't impressed... but Milo—Chad's PA—couldn't be anymore adorable and such a freakin' hottie. I think Chad's got the hots for him because, right off the bat, I wasn't allowed to touch...” She leaned toward everyone with a slow wink of her left eye. “... if you know what I mean.”

“That's unusual.” Shelby was wrinkling her perfectly smooth forehead in a slight frown of confusion. “People know Chad's into guys... well, people outside of where he lives in The Heights, so for him to do that so quickly— _whoa_... I'm stunned.”

Katie widened her eyes with her own shock at what she had witnessed and heard that night. “I know, _right_? I was too. I was bummed because I've always considered Chad out of my league, but the idea of him and Milo— _mmm..._ well, you just have to know Milo is everything Chad's not. It's kind of trippy how perfect they look together. So Chad informs me that he wants me to meet Jared—Jared Padalecki. And—well, Chad knows my tendency toward dating gay guys so...”

“Who is he?”

“Who? Jared?”

“I think she means is he 'anybody' we should already know.”

“No. I really do mean ' _who is he_ '.”

“He...” Antoinette was the one who did the honors as she pointed the man out with her long fingernails. “... is right there... near the archway into the atrium...”

Three heads turned: two gasps sounded, Katie smirked.

“Jared's got a boyfriend—Jensen... and he—is...” Katie tapped her painted fingernail on her chin. “—hmm, where did _he_ get to?”

“Eh... over here, Katie.”

“Oh, my...”

“Exactly, so...?” Katie clapped her two hands together, bringing the bond to her lips.

“I have enough trouble with my own boyfriend. I can't see being with two men, let alone the fact they're gay and possibly in love with each other.”

“I can't help it.” Katie shrugged her shoulders, unable to excuse her weird sexual quirks. “My shrink told me it was a phase—that was three years ago.”

“You told your shrink?” Shelby asked outright in total shock.

“I kinda had to.” Katie laughed a little too loudly, almost giving away that she might be getting a bit tipsy. “It's the only sex I have lately—even when I'm not getting' any I just... I get off on the voyeurism. When she asks me about my love life, or sex life, I know I can't lie.”

“And—when is the big moment gonna happen?”

“oooo... tonight, I hope.” Katie crossed her arms at her back, jumping up-n-down slightly in excitement. “I haven't spoken to Jensen yet, but I was trying to gather my courage as I can't seem to conjure a thought to an opening line, even looking at him from this far away.”

“If I had to choose...” Antoinette gave a long stare at Jensen, nodding her head in approval. “I don't know—I like blonds... I'd go for Jensen. He's a bit more my size too.”

“Mmm... I have to disagree.” Shelby gently shoved Antoinette out of the way, pointing with her cigarette hand toward Jared's direction. “Look at Jared—tall, big hands and feet... muscular build under those casual clothes... honey, the guy's gotta be packing an impressive package down below, which could mean he's a wild man in the sack. And... _hmm_ , that hair... I love it... the length, the color, the way it shapes about his features... nah, I'd take Jared...”

“Well...” Katie couldn't help but bounce off her own feet. “... I am taking them both. Pardon me, I gotta step back into my party hostess shoes.”

~~&&~~

Jared didn't know what to think when he saw Katie make her way over to Jensen. Of course Katie looked downright fuckable and sexy, and her coloring was striking when she hung off of Jensen's arm. They looked like an attractive couple—the same way Jensen looked against Sophia. Jared could walk over and interrupt them, but he knew Katie needed to develop a connection to Jensen before she would take them— _elsewhere_.

Just days ago, Jared would've been willing to set Jensen up with any woman. It wasn't Katie's fault, it was his own. He felt all those pangs of jealousy, but it came coupled with a sense of deep melancholy and heartache. Something in his mind told him that Jensen would go back to women—this thing with Jared was simply a fluke. A moment in time never to be repeated. But Jared didn't want _that_. He could actually “see” a forever or at least a certain permanence. It struck him quite profoundly that he was treating Jensen how he should've been with women all along. He couldn't say whether it was Jensen attracting him or if because he was a man, they were men... it was simply easier to be with a man. It was no less gut-wrenching to watch Jensen get along so well with Katie—the woman who was the key to this whole “plan” of Jared's from the start.

Jared caught Katie's eye and gave her a little wave. She acknowledged him with a lift of her chin, then when Jensen wasn't looking, she gave Jared a wink and a “thumbs up” signal. Jared smiled and glanced away shyly, feeling like he was getting an approval for having a hot boyfriend. He wanted to go to them, join in... maybe hold onto Jensen as he talked... maybe kiss him—publicly—to stake claim and turn a few heads, lift some eyebrows and make women jealous with envy... but he had to excuse himself to walk out onto the patio, nursing his glass of wine.

~~&&~~

Katie looped her arm through Jensen's elbow, pressing her hand to his biceps. “This walk was a good idea. I think I have some clarity I've been needing for a long- _long_ time.”

“Well, I'm glad I could help.” Jensen looked down at Katie, giving her a very charming smile. She reminded him a lot of his mother—in personality and mannerisms. Or whatever memory of her Jensen had retained.

“—'thank you' for being honest with me.” She pat his arm, soothing over the jacket material. “If Jared had told me you two were still in the ' _getting to know you_ ' phase, I never would've...”

“Stop feeling guilty. It's Jared's fault as it's also mine.” Jensen stared ahead, looking from one side to the other as he talked. “I don't express myself openly enough when we're alone, so he's confused and he thinks I'll—you know... switch teams again on him.”

“You sure there's no chance you're bi-sexual?” Katie still had an ounce of hope in her heart.

“I used to think so, but... being with Jared, I find I was always this way—I just... I wasn't really lying to myself but trying to make it easier and less complicated than I already am.”

“Date a girl you have no chemistry with, you mean.” Katie knew how that went. She had done those kinds of relationships before.

“Exactly. I did feel the draw to Sophia, just like I do with you, but... I get you ladies alone and I turn into your therapists.”

Katie giggled and squeezed Jensen's arm to her chest. “Or a really cool-ass brother.”

“That too.” Jensen only had Mackenzie as a reference and Katie didn't make him think of his sister. “I haven't dated many, but most of the women I dated stayed my friends even after we ended things.”

“Do you think you're a 'romantic'?”

“No, I've never been that type of guy. Though I know how to be kind, thoughtful and a gentleman. If that's romance, then I guess I am.”

“What about—first loves?... soul mates?”

“What about them?” This was reminding him of Jared and his penchant for goofy questions like this. Was this a “California/LA” thing?

“Did you have a first love? Or a childhood crush? Do you believe in 'soul mates'—someone specifically made for you in this world?”

“No and... no... I kept to myself, mostly.” Jensen crossed his free arm at his back, his thumb rolling the ring on his finger around and around—just a nervous tick. “My schooling took place with other boys around. I didn't really interact with women until I got into college.”

“No unrequited love or say a, uh... deep-seeded want or desire of someone for yourself?”

“Uh, no... nope.” Jensen smiled shyly, averting his face. “Damn... I think I'm coming to a realization that I'm the definition of boring.”

Katie laughed loud and threw her head backward. “Oh, I wouldn't say that. In fact, I'd say just the opposite.”

Jensen paused them in their steps to turn and face Katie. “May I ask you a question?”

“Oh god! Stop with the fuckin' proper formalities!” Katie covered her hands over her face. Sobriety was becoming a real bitch. “I'd say you're not more than a year or two older than me. You talk like you're my grandfather.”

“Sorry...” Jensen crossed both of his arms at his back, his body shaking with deep chuckles. “I think I do that when I'm nervous.”

“Well, don't be. Nervous, that is.” Katie gave him a once-over close up. “ _God..._ I could just eat you alive right now... and no one would even know.”

“ _Yikes_!” Jensen smoothed a palm down his chest, eyes darting in every direction.

“But—I like _you_... and I like _Jared_.” Katie was trying to let him know she didn't usually like that many people, especially in her line of work. “I feared the worst when Chad wanted to introduce me. I had some idea it would be Chad 2.0 or worse.”

“Yeah. Jared is...” Jensen couldn't hide his smile at the thought of Jared. “... let's just say he's one of a kind.”

“ _eh-no, no, no...”_ Katie swished a finger in front of Jensen's face. _“_ I saw that. Don't think I didn't. That was less like a lustful look than a ' _I think I fuckin' love him_ ' kind of glow. 'Cuz you did, glow. You more than care about him, don't you?” She thought it rather adorable the way Jensen looked away and actually blushed.

Jensen nodded, keeping chin to chest. “He's the only person I've met who knows exactly who I am. What I went through to get here and I—if it doesn't work out that he feels the same, I still want him in my life.”

“What if he does?” Katie felt her throat catch at that kind of blatant honesty. It was rare for this town.

“What if he does— _what_?”

“Feel the same...”

“I don't know. I don't know what I'd do, but I'm pretty sure I'd know better once I knew.”

“Well... there's no time like the present.” Katie was walking them toward the patio right where Jared was standing. She talked as they paced closer. “You know, I found it rather weird that out of everything we've talked about—all that I asked you—you skipped over a question I'm really curious about.”

“Oh, I did. I'm sorry. Go ahead and—”

“No...” Katie waved away the question—for another time. “—let it go. I think I have my answer. If you tried to respond to it now, I would think you'd pad your reply and it won't be something you really feel.”

“All right... now you've made me curious.”

“Hi, Jared.”

Jensen looked over just as Jared turned to glance over his shoulder. They were both transfixed at seeing one another. Katie eyed from one man to the other. While she would die to be in the center of _this_... she didn't want to be the third wheel and derail this train off its tracks too soon. She walked Jensen closer, depositing him in front of Jared as he fully spun to lean on the ledge of the railing, able to look at them as they approached.

“I took your man on a tour of my home. We preferred it from the outside. It's a lovely enough night for a stroll, don't you think?”

Jared nodded, his eyes darting from between Katie and Jensen, who kept averting his gaze. “Was it good? The walk... the talk... whatever?”

Jensen remained quiet, simply content with being near Jared.

Jared slid near, letting his arm snake along the stone ledge Jensen was in front of. This brought Jared against Jensen's body, like he was wrapping himself around him.

“I think you already know how fabulous and gorgeous your man is. You don't need me for that.”

Jared spared a glance at Jensen, then Katie. There was something here being kept from him. “Yeah, I do.” He shuffled that arm to encircle Jensen's shoulders and one arm hugged him.

Jensen allowed himself to be touched and embraced. Keeping his left arm dangling down his side while the right moved to pat the chest wall, Jensen cleared his throat and tried not to react or want Jared to comply with his inner-most wishes. He actually wanted a kiss—could be the beer and wine coursing through his system.

Jared lifted his head, trying to compose himself. “So, uh... how exactly do we do this— _thing_... with you?”

“Actually, I've got some bad news.” Katie faked a pout, sticking out her bottom lip.

“Oh, yeah?” Jared lifted both eyebrows, but felt such sudden relief in his body.

“Yeah. It looks like I'm gonna have to take a 'rain check'.”

“Any particular reason why?” Jared looked between Katie and Jensen, hoping one of them would confess what had happened in such a short time.

“Yup... but that's my own damn business.” Katie stared up at them fondly. “While I would love to get... _mmm_ , caught up in the throes of pleasure with you two...” She reached out to mess with both their jackets, running a hand each down their shirts. “—I find I'm unwilling to put myself in that kind of an emotional wreckage, and heartache, once you two have had your use of me.” This time when Jared looked away, Katie knew he understood all too well. “I'm gonna have to write this one off as my ' _could have been_ '.”

“Sorry, Katie.” Jared wanted to do something better than this lame apology. She was too good to be letting herself take the scraps of men's pleasures.

“Oh, please... what for? I know I have a weird idea of sex, love and relationships but it feeds a part of me I seem to lack. So I fulfill it. My therapist tells me I'll probably go through a lot of these kinds of 'phases' before I find pure happiness. Not just with another person, but being happy with myself.” Katie shook her head, feeling a bit saddened and pathetic. “I look at you two, and I envy you... finding each other and knowing that you're both ready... you want the same things and it's like perfect timing. I'd be a fool to screw that up for you guys.”

Jensen looked at Jared, who still couldn't look at Katie. “If we were comfortable enough where we are, I think we'd be more than willing to bring you in with us.”

Katie shook her head in disagreement. “Eh... I doubt it, but thanks for the sentiment.” She stood on tip toes to grab Jensen's face and kiss him. She took her time, leaning her face on his as she wiped over her lips and then his bottom one to rid him of lipstick. “Not exactly your shade.” She smiled, soothing his cheek, then moved over to Jared. She lifted his chin, then stood again to press her lips once, then twice... then a third time... each time petting his skin. She breathed heavy, then sighed leaning on his chest.

Jared finally moved, his arm going around Katie's waist and embracing her. “I hope you still think of us as friends.”

Katie slapped at his chest. “What? Don't even ask! Of course you are!” She hugged Jared back with one arm, using her other to draw Jensen in. “ _mmm..._ it's like a heater between you guys. This would've been lovely.” She raised one dark eyebrow. “What say you give me a last hurrah before I head off, back to my hosting duties inside.”

Jared looked at Jensen, Jensen at Jared... Jared was the only one who seemed confused by the request.

“Do you mind?”

“ _Wha_ —?” Jared wasn't allowed to finish the question as Jensen bumped his forehead again Jared's jaw, getting him to tilt and lift his face. Jensen slid his cheek against Jared's, doing a slow search for his mouth. Once he caught the lips, he felt Jared lessen his tension and let himself fall into the sensation. Jensen pulled away, hiding his face in Jared's shoulder as Jared held Jensen to his side. “... I think we're gonna need a moment alone...”

“Say no more. You know where I'll be.”

Jared waited until Katie had passed under the patio doorway. “She's gone.”

Jensen popped his head back around. “Sorry. I felt I had to tell her something. She's a good kid and... a bit messed up—troubled like we all are. I couldn't see using her like that, because... I don't think I'd give her the kind of attention she's craving.”

“I really don't give a shit what you said as long as you told her something to end this fuckin' torture.”

“You didn't want to go through with this, either?”

“No, not now.”

“Jesus... I spent all that time with Katie... doing what I do when I'm with Sophia and it's the same dead end. They're attractive and I would love to get to know them, but...” Jensen stopped to stare at Jared's mouth again. “I find I can't be aroused, if I can't... feel a closeness or a connection with the other person.” He reached up to caress Jared's face, smiling when dark lashes touched the flushed cheeks. “At least it's not what I feel when I'm with you.”

Jared leaned into the hand, reopening his eyes. “I was so jealous when I saw you talking to her. I couldn't watch anymore, so I came out here for some fresh air.”

“I think we're ready to go. I don't feel like being here any longer.”

“Same here. Where do you want to go?”

“Ideally... away from here. I mean, away from _everything_.” Jensen couldn't stress the desire hard enough. “Go someplace where I can forget about my life and work... classes and just—I don't know... throw caution to the wind and just be adventurous and be with someone I want to get to know more about.”

“uhm... would that 'someone' be—me?” Jared raised one eyebrow, already knowing what the answer would be.

“hmmm, could be.” Jensen smirked at Jared. “She's right, you know.”

“About?”

“I don't care how it was we found one another, but I'm happy we did. I don't want anything from you, you aren't willing to give me freely. I think we're both new at this... and it'd be a shame to let another great opportunity go to waste.”

“You're serious about getting out of Cali? Going somewhere to escape the world?”

“uh, yes, please.”

“Then I got the perfect place. Not too far away and... all you have to do is pack—or not pack, if you are _really_ feeling adventurous.”

“Are you whisking me away?”

“Yes. For the weekend. Can you do that?”

“Uhm, I don't know... let me think...” Jensen pretended to stall, looking at the sky alight with stars. “... _hells yes!_ ”

A few curious eyes turned to watch as Jensen practically jumped into Jared's arms and there was a bit of twirling going on, and a little round of some Texas-sized yelping. It caused a few wandering eyes to wonder what kind of news the two men had shared—whatever it was... they were slightly jealous

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

Monday night...

Jensen made sure to pat his body down before he left the loft. He wanted to be certain he had everything he needed. He slipped on his jacket to head out the front door. The second he opened the paneling, he caught sight of Jared leaning on the stairs railing down to the first floor loft.

“Hey...”

“Hey, you.”

“Been here long?”

“No. I just—uh, yes... I have. I was fighting within whether to knock or just leave. Save myself the added misery of watching you go to her.” Jared knew this day was inevitable. It was what he started this whole thing for... to break-up Jensen and Sophia. But now he wanted Jensen, not Sophia.

“One dinner, one night...” Jensen had wanted to do this without seeing Jared. He kind of wished Jared hadn't shown. “... and I tell her the truth. I can't predict the future.”

“I'm not asking you to. I found myself needing a walk and I... ended up here.” Jared moved down a few steps as Jensen neared. “I think I'm trying to get in a last word, let you see me before you leave so I'm the last face on your mind...” He smiled weakly up at Jensen, knowing how much of a fool he was acting. “I don't want you to forget me.”

“I can't possible forget you, Jared.” Jensen smirked down at Jared, assured that the weekend they had spent together was pretty spectacular, eye-opening and gut-wrenching and quite possibly one of the best spur-of-the-moment vacations he'd ever taken. “You're pretty unforgettable.”

“I can't get you out of my mind, either.” Jared leaned along the stairway railing, trying to look sexy and erotic. Then he let out a stunned laugh as it reminded him too much of what he wasn't able to do with Jensen until... whenever Sophia took it all in stride. “Things are... not quiet or blissful at the house between Milo and Chad... so Steau and I have been living at Milo's apartment.” Jared cleared his throat, trying not to act like a complete stalker. “We hate being without you... I go to Milo's and all I can smell is you. I close my eyes and all I see is... well, you...” He watched as Jensen slid along the wall, and came down a few steps on the stairs to face him. “... your body... your eyes... your heat... your smile... the way you laugh and touch me—I feel like this could get outta hand... fast.”

“And you don't think I'm going through something much the same... and about to break a poor girl's heart—possibly?”

Jared glanced away then turned back to give Jensen one last desperate look. “You can't be an asshole and text her a break-up message?”

“That wouldn't be me. You know that's not me.”

“I know.”Jared wiped a hand over the side of his face. “I took a chance and asked.”

“Hold on, I have something for you.” Jensen climbed back up and walked to unlock his door.

“You do? Should I come in?”

“Nah, stay there. I'll bring it out to you.” Jensen returned to inside the loft and brought out a long glossy postcard, handing it out to Jared. “That's the gallery I'm at. Where my showing will be—well, a few selected local artists.”

“Oh, yeah...” Jared stared down at the card, reading all the printed font-work, but nothing registering in his brain. “... you said something about this the other day.”

Jensen blushed, touched that Jared had retained that information after their weekend together. “I wasn't sure if you had heard me or... that you went for those kinds of things. It's a pretty stuffy crowd, even for a small town. You might wanna check it out on your own, first...”

“I will definitely do that. Did you have anyone in mind you'd like to bring with you?”

“You might do.”

“Oh? You think I'll pass muster for this kinda party?”

“Well, don't feel obligated to support me in _everything_ I do.”

“I want to.” Jared truly did want to support Jensen in all his photography. Even if he wanted to get back into finance. “I already know you take amazing shots of just daily stuff. I can only imagine what it's like when you create a feeling with a picture—like there's a haunting story behind it.”

“I was going to ask you eventually but I didn't know I'd see you this soon.”

“I didn't either. I would've knocked, had you not...”

“I know. I probably would've been gone long ago, if I hadn't stalled... you would've been standing here waiting forever.”

“May I walk you to your car?” Jared was going to try to milk all the minutes he could to spend with Jensen, because who knew when he'd see him next.

Jensen nodded his head and took the first steps down, leading the way in front of Jared. “Do you need a lift anywhere?”

“No, I don't, but you're sweet to ask.”

“It's okay if you do.” Jensen pushed on the front door to let them outside into the cool night air. “I'm leaving a little early. Just wanted to beat the traffic.”

“Jesus, I'm sorry...” Jared had known this was a bad idea, but he didn't know what to do or where else to go. “—and I'm making you even later.”

“Jared...” Jensen caught Jared's arm before he turned completely away and disappeared.

“Nah, come on. Get over here and let's get you safely to your car.” Jared knew where Jensen's hulk of a car was. “I think I need to actually watch you drive away to know this is for real. That it's actually happening.”

Jensen could tell that all of this effort was wearing on Jared's nerves. “Are you sure you want me to wait a day before I see you again?” He stopped at the hood of his car, he was going to have to cross in order to get to the driver door.

“You might need that space and I don't want to crowd you when you're already feeling crappy or upset. And I don't want you rushing back here just for me.”

“I would.” Jensen wanted him to know he would be here for him—always. He just had to say the word.

“I know. Trust me.” Jared held out a hand, palm out to tell Jensen this was going to have to be enough. “It'll be better if we do it this way.”

“I already miss you from yesterday.” Jensen knew Jared would feel better after knowing he missed him as much as Jared missed him.

“Even after being with me all weekend?”

“What can I say... I enjoy your company and I like who I am when I'm with you.”

“ _hmm...”_ Jared rubbed at his chin. _“..._ who knew that could ever sound like the most arousing words ever.” He followed Jensen as he crossed in front of the front bumper. As Jensen unlocked the door, Jared was right there helping hold open the door.

Jensen leaned up on toe tips to smack a long kiss on Jared's mouth as he held onto the door. “You can call me tomorrow. It'll be good to hear your voice.”

“We'll see. For now, let's stick with our original plan.”

Jensen nodded his head. “No contact for a day.”

“Yup.”

“Fuck it!” Jensen threw his keys on the seat, then hauled Jared around to lean him on the car's bodywork as he kissed him throughly, caressing him over and then under clothing. “. _.. god..._ I miss you in my bed... waking up with you...”

“... waking up draped around you...” Jared spoke in between their lips meeting and breaking apart. “... getting you hard and erect in fifteen seconds flat...”

“... _mmm_ , you know all the right buttons to push with me.” Jensen scratched nailbed on Jared's coat sleeves, then bunched them into clawed-fists as he yanked Jared toward him and merged their brows to share breathing space.

“I wanna push them now, but I know this has to be done.”

“Thank you for stopping by.” Jensen let out the most uncomfortable laugh, knowing this was a really weird moment for him—for them, but it was clear they were both feeling the same way.

“Thank you for not thinking me a creepy stalker.”

“Bye.”

“Goodnight... an' good luck. If you need me, you got my numbers.”

“Yes, and you got mine.”

“See ya'.”

“Yup.”

Watching Jensen drive away, Jared never wanted to sob harder in his life. Jensen wasn't any better, watching that lone figure in the road growing smaller and tinier in his rear-view mirror.

~~&&~~

 **hours later, late evening...**

Jensen knew he should have arrived bearing something for Sophia. Flowers and chocolate were out because he wasn't going to lead her on. He stopped for a bottle of her favorite wine. He pulled into her neighborhood and immediately wanted to turn back around. He grumbled at himself as he parked and climbed out of his car, nearly forgetting the bottle of wine. He knew his head wasn't screwed on right. All he could think about was Jared—their weekend together and then that strange moment outside the loft. He swore Jared had come to tell him something important. All that waiting had caused Jared to lose courage. _Dammit..._

He wandered down the public sidewalk, then turned to head into the walkway that led to the low gate. He always liked where Sophia lived; the cute bungalow apartments seemed rather quaint and homey. If a guy lived here on his own, neighbors might question his sexuality. Most of the men who did live here were boyfriends or husbands. Sophia's apartment was the third one down on the right—Apartment 10. He stepped up the small set of stairs and rang the doorbell.

She must've been awaiting his arrival because the door opened so fast Jensen almost put up a defensive arm. At the sight of her smile, her beautiful face and gorgeous body, Jensen still felt like an asshole. He already knew how this night would end; Sophia had no clue at all.

~~&&~~

Jared didn't know why he did it. _Yes, he did._ Because he wanted to know everything he possibly could about Jensen. Not the superficial stuff, but the much deeper, private stuff that told of character and persona. Jensen should've never given him the postcard, because a man with no plans for the evening might go to this gallery. Or maybe that was the signal, the one to let Jared in a little each time.

He was impressed that the art gallery was closer to downtown than he imagined. It was well-lit and the huge glass windows, on either side of the double doors of the entrance, displayed the entirety of the large space. There were stragglers in there and curators following behind in case the prints on the wall for sale wanted to be purchased.

Jared glanced down at himself. He wasn't too sure what the dress code was in an art gallery when you simply walked in only to browse. A gala or an opening exhibit was a different story. He noted that one of the doors was propped open, so he took that as a good sign anyone walking by was welcome. As he crossed the threshold, he heard the stereo pumping out some classical tunes. He passed a large semi-circular desk where he figured someone would have sat to “welcome” customers. It was understandable that it would be empty if there were only two people on staff and the gallery looked this busy for a weekday-night. All Jared wanted to know was where the local artists collections were kept.

He took off his coat to drape the material over his arm; he curled the postcard in his hand as he wandered around. He wasn't really into art nor was he a collector. Sophia's canvases had been about as close to liking and appreciating paintings as he could get. He didn't even know any of the terminology she threw at him half the time. She was pretty good. Jared remembered liking a few as she loved to display them on the walls of her apartment along with the artwork she inherited from her grandmother.

Especially those two walls in the long hallway, from the front door to the inside of her apartment

 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~...tbc...~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

Jensen let go of Sophia from the tight hug and handed her the wine bottle. “I didn't know what you were serving, but I know I couldn't go wrong with your favorite.”

“No, no... this is wonderful.” Sophia was feeling that nervous jolt all over again—just when she thought she had gotten the knots out of her stomach. She was doing that silly thing where she laughed at inappropriate times and couldn't stop smiling. “My girlfriends came over the other night. We kind of washed down our fondue party with two bottles—one of mine and one they brought with them.”

Jensen slid out of his jacket, giving it to Sophia as he shut and locked the door. He would follow her down the long hallway, which looked very odd as he made his way along the carpeting. Jensen had a difficult time leaving the hallway completely.

Sophia turned and frowned at Jensen's hesitation. “What's wrong?”

“Is something different on this wall?” Jensen looked back behind him. “Actually both sides look a little—barren?” He wrinkled his brow to walk down a few inches, only to find that the frames were all filled with photographs, barely any artwork leftover.

“Good eye. Yeah... I brought out every photo-frame I had, dug out some old pictures of my family. I couldn't stand the walls being totally bare.”

“All the canvases you had are in storage?” Jensen pointed his thumbs at both sides of the walls, switching them back and forth to wonder what had happened in the past few days.

“No. I've given them to the gallery to sell.”

“You're kidding?” Jensen couldn't help the broad smile that came out of him. If it was one thing he did appreciate about Sophia, it was her talents as an artist. “That's great.” He stepped closer to her, reaching out a hand to clasp on her shoulder and soothe over her upper biceps. Sophia generally had to initiate a lot of their closeness, so it was a new shock for Jensen to touch her for so long and keep his hand on her skin.

“Yeah, uh...” Sophia's eyes actually waters with tears, so she wiped at the corners so her mascara wouldn't ruin. “—my professor's TA came over and couldn't walk out of this hallway. Not only was he complimenting most of my own work, he said Mum-mum's stuff was pretty worthy too.” She wiped over her mouth for the sheen of sweat she felt on her upper lip. “I didn't think the ones I painted were much when this was just a hobby. But I don't know... we'll see, I guess.”

Jensen could detect there was something else on Sophia's mind or else she was really emotional over her grandmother's paintings. “Will you be featured in the local artists' exhibit?” He simply kept rubbing at her arm, then moved to stand beside her, taking a step behind to curl about her side in support as he let her speak when he asked questions.

“Yes, but...” As she talked, Sophia was juggling the wine bottle in her hand, tapping the bottom of the glass into her palm. “I won't be able to make it to the actual opening.”

“Well, if you do stop by, I've got a few pieces there.”

“ _Your photographs got accepted too?!? Really?!”_ Sophia was really stoked about being able to show her stuff alongside Jensen's. She sent an arm around him to give him a short squeeze. “How awesome. At first, I didn't want to apply 'cuz I didn't think I'd be recognized as much of anything, but I'm shocked that I've had some early takers.”

Jensen nodded his head, finding it odd that Sophia wasn't all over him, like usual. “I've gotten a call too. It's just one, but for the price they're willing to shell out... it's more than enough.”

“ _hmm...” It was weird to imagine that they had met because of an art class, but then hadn't shared this very important fact, even though they were in one another's lives. “—_ how strange that we both didn't think it was important to let the other know about this.”

Jensen shrugged, cutting them both some slack. “I think when two creative people are together, it tends to strain the relationship if one finds fault with the project or doesn't really like what's been done.”

“Funny, that's exactly why I didn't tell you.” Sophia elbows Jensen lightly in the side. “I thought it would make us start to fight.”

“You're probably right.”

“Well, gosh...” Sophia walked further into her apartment, waving Jensen inside. “... come on in. The rest of the apartment's not too different. Just cleaner and more organized.”

Jensen kept turning to look over his shoulder, because he was starting to realize that the painting he had liked had been here—in Sophia's apartment—the one that had reminded him of Jared. “So... _all_ of those paintings are for sale at the gallery?”

“Yeah, I believe so.” Sophia nodded her head. There were a few of her grandmother that the gallery had bought outright. “They have most of them up and when, or _if_ , they sell... they'll bring out the ones they've kept in the back out front to fill the empty spots.” She brought out her counter-top machine that kept a single wine bottled chilled, once she turned the power on she brought down the wine goblets. “Why? You look like you wanna ask me something?”

“Nah, nah...” Jensen shook his head to push his curiosity back. “I'll save it for later.”

“Well, dinner's almost ready. Would you like a beer, a cocktail...” Sophia lightly chuckled s she gestured toward the wine Jensen had brought. “... or some wine?”

“A beer. I'll have wine with dinner.”

“Coming right up. Go on, sit down.” Sophia waved him over toward the small living room area. “I'll bring it out to you...” She turned back around to face Jensen. “... do you mind the beer in a glass? I'm trying not to leave rings on my furniture.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah... that's fine.” Jensen didn't know when he should break the news to Sophia. Maybe it was better after their meal since there had been so much effort put toward the food and Sophia had dressed up for him to make a good impression. He already felt awful, no need to turn himself into a total jackass.

~~&&~~

Jared stood at the front of the familiar painting. He wasn't fathoming he was really here—no, not his physical self, but his _portrait_ self. He couldn't recall exactly when Sophia had painted this—after one of their many excursions to the beach, when they were off school or cut class. She had kept wanting him to wander off, walk around on his own. When he would return from his strolls, he would see her sketching and hadn't felt like disturbing her or asking her what she was doing. Little did he know he was becoming the subject of her drawings, soon to be the focal point of her next painting project.

What had unnerved him was the name placard's title—it punched his gut. He wasn't sure how to take the words. A simple—“ **I regret...** ” and it was up to the art lover to interpret what that would mean.

Was it the man—him—doing the regretting... or was the artist, herself, full of regrets?

“It's a popular piece.” A soft voice spoke from behind Jared.

“ _hmm_?” Jared turned a bit to find the curator over his shoulder, smiling broadly like she would gain a sale.

“You have good tastes.” She gestured to the painting on the wall. “It has become quite a popular piece. I have four bids on it already.”

No one would know it was him. So why was Jared so self-conscious?

“Sophia will be proud.”

“Oh...” She seemed peculiarly stunned that a young man like him would know such a sophisticated young lady like Sophia Bush. “... you know the young woman?”

“Yes. uhm...” Jared pointed to the whole room around him. “I see all the local painters, but I'm more interested in the photographer collections.”

“ooo, yes...” She was a little bit more excited, as if Jared was going to be blown away. “... right this way.”

Jared followed as best he could, looking over his shoulder at himself... getting smaller and tinier.

“All right... here we are...”

The second Jared strolled around the high break-wall he only saw the huge “ **J** ” where every framed photograph was craftily utilized to spell out the letter. As the curator went on talking, Jared let it wash over him as he made his way over to Jensen's collection. He didn't know why, but he felt overwhelmed because it was one thing to see Jensen with his camera, look at him developing rolls of film and then view the shots taken with his magnifying eye-piece, but to see the final products, in the flesh... it was leaving him speechless and quite overtaken with emotion.

“ah, again... you have a really good eye on what's been most popular. This young photographer is Jensen Ackles... professionally, he goes by 'Jay'. He came up with the concept of using this simple design with the letter. He's from Texas, but has lived here in Roseville Heights almost half his life...”

Jared didn't even bother turning around or looking over his shoulder, he simply spoke out loud. “Could you... ** _not_** talk anymore. I just kind of want to look at these a little longer— _on my own_.”

“Oh, uh... sure... my apologies.” She was already backing out, keeping her head bowed in mild apologies. “Just come to the front desk if anything is of any interest to you for purchasing.”

“Thank you. I will. I promise.” Jared didn't even know when he'd been left completely alone. He simply walked up to each of the frames, reaching out to gently touch them. Nothing like touching Jensen, but they were still a part of him, which was enough to move Jared to feel his eyes well with tears.

~~&&~~

Jensen was full, and kind of tipsy. He stopped the flow of wine for himself, reminding Sophia he had to drive back into town. Sophia continued to invite him to stay here with her, but Jensen knew she would hate him soon and would probably not want him to darken her doorstep again... once she knew.

“Excellent dinner, Soph.” Jensen wiped the cloth napkin over his mouth, setting the material down at the side of his plate.

“Thanks. I had a bit of help, here and there, but for the most part it was all me.” Sophia took the dirty dishes to the kitchen. “I have some dessert defrosting. We can have the coffee as a starter and then work into the dessert.”

“Sounds good.” Jensen couldn't help thinking about Jared. They had splurged over the weekend, engorging on some rather decadent foods. _Jesus..._ he was going to have to stop doing that. Jensen rubbed a hand over the back of his neck.

“How's your week been?” Sophia called out from the kitchen area.

“Pretty good. Nothing too exciting.” _Wow..._ Jensen found it rather eerie how comfortable that lie slipped off his tongue.

“And that new friend? The one you met who likes your show? How's that going?”

“Really good.”

“Well, I'm so glad.” Sophia brought over their mugs, then sat down. “How is he about best friend's girlfriends?”

“He just went through a break-up himself, so...” Jensen shrugged both shoulders, raising his eyebrows in wild wonder. “... who knows.”

“ _awww..._ that's a shame.” Sophia was looking forward to seeing the one person who could've cracked open Jensen's shell.

“He's a good guy.” Jensen put creamer and a little bit of artificial in his coffee, stirring slowly with his spoon. “A good-looking guy as well.”

“I'd love to meet him when I come down soon.”

Jensen took a tentative sip of his coffee, to see how it tasted. “He'll be coming to the opening with me at the gallery.”

“Ah...” Sophia bent her elbows to bring her hands up to lean her chin on as she smiled toward Jensen. “... so he likes your pictures?”

“I would hope so. If not, then I'm screwed.” Jensen made a scared face of being disappointed, holding a hand to his heart.

“My Ex wasn't into my stuff too much.” Sophia frowned, shaking her head at the long-ago memories. “More because he wasn't an 'art lover'. He did like the things I did, though.”

“Well, that was cool of him.”

“He kind of got hooked into everything once I used him as a subject.”

“Oh, you did?” Jensen was taken aback. If he recalled correctly, Sophia kept a lot of her pictures hidden or in her bedroom. And since he had never been there—no intentionally—he really had no idea what the Ex looked like. “Have I ever seen it?”

“Uh, yeah...” Sophia brought up her hands to demonstrate how the painting looked, how Jared had been standing. “... uhm, it was that one where the lone guy is standing at the edge of the shore on the beach, watching the tide come in...”

“Wait... _that_ was yours?” Jensen furrowed his brow in confusion. Hold on... he had specifically asked her about the painting and she had told him something completely different. “I thought that one was from your gran'ma... that French artist you liked.”

Sophia started to laugh uncontrollably. “Really? You thought I...” She put a hand to her chest rather demurely, and slightly complimented. “... was as talented as Jan Pierre-Laurent?”

“Hey, what the fuck do I know?” Jensen threw his hands up in exasperation. “All I know is how to decipher oils from watercolors. I'm clueless when it comes to artists, their styles and techniques.”

“I'm flattered.” Sophia reached out to settle her hand on his forearm and pat his skin. “I think it was one of my favorites of my stuff. I cried when I watched it leave. It's like losing Jared all over again.”

“ _mmm..._ ” Jensen was nodding his head, but then his ear caught on the name being uttered. “... what did you say?”

“Jared... my ex... the guy in the painting... geez, Jensen... what's going on with you?”

Jensen stared down into his coffee, feeling sick to his stomach. He had never asked Sophia the name of her Ex. She never even used the name, just called him by “ex” or pronouns. She had no pictures of him around, like she purged him out of her system. When Jared talked about his Ex, he never said, “Sophia”. _What a small freaking world._ “Oh... nothing... I don't know...” As he sat there, Jensen started to feel fear and nerves churning... like he'd been duped or made a complete fool of. He was trapped between two ex-es and... he wasn't too sure which one to side with...

One he loved, but felt no attraction toward. One he loved and felt every bit of attraction for. _Oh, god..._ he loved Jared. Love. Loved. Jared. Jensen _loved_ Jared.

Jared and Sophia had dated... they loved... they broken-up and then—

Jensen slapped a hand over his eyes, unable to prevent his face from crumbling.

“Oh, _wha_ —? Jen, sweetie... _wha—_? I'm not...” Sophia felt like a complete heel. She'd been going on and on about herself, not once had she asked Jensen what had been going on in his life other than the silly “friend” stuff. Sophia had asked only about the last few days, but the curt one-syllable answers made it seem like nothing or he didn't want to talk about it. She should have insisted he talk to her about something, whatever he had to get off his chest.

“I'm sorry.” Jensen had slapped both hands over his face, feeling beyond ashamed and guilty.

“No... **I** 'm sorry...” Sophia moved her chair closer, an arm going around Jensen's lumped back, trying to console him. “I talked your ear off during dinner and I never—I knew _something_ was bothering you... something on your mind you needed to talk about. You don't have to keep it all inside.”

“Yes, I do. I have to.” Jensen kept his head bowed, wiping angrily under his eyes, averting his head away from Sophia insistence to be near him and in his face. “It's the reason why I'm crying. Well... _part_ of the reason why I am.”

“Come on, you can tell me.” Sophia knew how Jensen could get, but she wouldn't budge from his side.

“You'll hate me and then you'll _really_ hate me more.”

“No, no...” Sophia leaned toward the side of Jensen's face, getting mostly the back of his head and his nape. She tried to kiss his cheek but got an ear instead. “I could never hate you.” Sophia wiped off her lipstick from his ear, both of them softly chuckling. “Even before we started going out, you were a very good friend who helped me out a lot. More than you'll ever know.”

“Forgive me for this sounding rude, but...” Jensen was finally able to turn to look at Sophia with watery green eyes. “... I love you... I just am not 'in love' with you...”

Sophia sighed heavy, rearranging the way she sat in her chair and moving closer to Jensen. “Well... I kinda knew that already. I've been... I don't know...” She cleared her throat, knowing this was going to be a difficult thing to bring up. “I'm interested in someone else. That teacher's assistant I told you about, who came over to look at the art...? That wasn't just a casual thing. It was an actual date.”

“And?” Jensen didn't know why but he was glad to hear Sophia could move on so easily. It made this a little less difficult, but not by much.

“He's older, which I find strangely attractive on him. He's nothing like my other boyfriends. I think I'm getting sophisticated in my old age.”

“You like him?” Jensen didn't have to hear her say the words, he could already see the change “in” her. It was why she had been acting so weird. Poor, poor Sophia... always falling in and out of love.

“Yes, a lot. And he likes me, which has been nice.” Sophia didn't mean to belittle what Jensen had shown or given her, but there was something so different about this man that took her breath away. “He really _likes me_ -likes me and he always compliments me, kisses my hand. A real gentleman.”

“This has been going on for quite a while, hasn't it?” Jensen figured it may have been something that had begun back when she had been dating Jared.

“Yes, but... to be fair, you and I never said what we'd be and I know I crossed boundaries to make you feel awkward... uncomfortable, but I had to know for sure if there was anything between us besides friendship.”

Jensen snorted out a harsh laugh, shaking his head. “I came to dinner tonight to let _you_ down easy, break-up with you... or cut romantic ties with you.”

“I planned on telling you soon, but not tonight.” Sophia let out a small chuckle of her own. “This was to see if anything remained here between us, but I see that maybe I pushed you too far, stressed you out.”

“It's not a panic attack, Soph. It's just...” Jensen pressed a shaking hand to his forehead. “... my over-active imagination.”

“Oh? About _what_?”

“Nothing.” Jensen reached out to squeeze her hands, then gave her a shake of his head. “I appreciate the sentiment, and I would talk with you if I knew myself, but... I gotta handle this one on my own.”

“I'm always here.” Sophia caressed that dear, sweet face she honestly adored to the ends of the Earth. Oh, if only Jensen could've loved her back. Didn't mean they couldn't still remain friends. At least that was how they had begun. “Whenever you need a good shoulder.”

“I know. Thank you.”

“All right. One or two scoops of this homemade cobbler?”

“Two.”

“Coming right up. Freshen your coffee?”

“... eh, I'll do it myself soon... thanks...”

“Anytime, my friend... anytime...”

~~&&~~

Jared was putting on his jacket, tucking the postcard away for safekeeping. He crossed the front desk in the foyer of the gallery.

“Excuse me... sir?”

“Yes?” Jared looked up with a deep sigh, thinking someone was going to pester him again about the artwork.

“My boss told me you were looking at ' **J** '-s collection...”

“Yes, I was. Why?”

“Do you know him?”

“uhm... I might. Why?”

The gallery employee lifted up an over-stuffed day planner onto the counter and pushed it toward Jared. “It has his name all over it, but no address. We found this in the gallery the next morning, after he was here almost all night. We only opened it to find out who it belonged to... everything looks intact...”

Jared walked toward the desk, grabbing the thick book. Jensen's whole life was in here—lost, now found. “Jensen knew he had lost it, but didn't know where to start looking.” He gave out a sad smile at the memory. “He had to break out his new Blackberry to replace it.”

“It looks important. Like there's a whole life in there.”

“There is. There _really_ is. Thank you.” Jared tipped his hand to her. “I'll see that he gets it right away.”

“Thanks. Was there anything in the gallery you'd like to know more about? Or, maybe, purchase?”

“uh, no... it's better if they go to those who'll appreciate it more.”

“Well, still...” On a solid nod of acceptance, used to people just wanting to browse or look, not purchase until they had the money to spend... she wanted to thank him for at least walking in tonight. “—you stopped in. Local artists need that kind of support.”

“I'll be here for the opening. Maybe I'll rethink a few things, see if I can't make some room on my wall for one of the canvases.”

“Nice. We'll see you then, sir.”

“Good night.”

“Take care.”

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **Wednesday...**

They let one day longer pass than they had promised. Both needing time to come to a sudden realization, separately, concerning how they felt about each other.

Jared no longer felt Plan A... or Plan B was viable. He was in love with Jensen, probably had been for a while and just couldn't admit it to himself.

Jensen had come to the conclusion, as well, that he had lost his heart to Jared even before seeing him made of flesh and bone. The idea of the man in the painting being Jared—and Sophia's Ex—had settled over him finally and he could move beyond that fact to the man, himself. Now Jensen was a bit unnerved at how much of a coincidence it was that he would connect so well, and profoundly, with Sophia's Ex and... well, it could be seen as supportive of Jensen but maybe Jared had some nefarious plan in the back of his mind to break-up his relationship with Sophia. He didn't know; he wasn't too sure of anything at the moment.

What he did know was that Jared never would've taken things this far with them, if it all had been an “act”. Somewhere along the way, Jared must've let his real self in and simply let go, allowing himself to feel. At least that's what Jensen kept telling himself to get through the next two days.

Two days. Sheesh... it was the longest they had gone without contact since meeting last week.

Jensen let that “one day” pass, then he thought Jared would be the one to call him early in the morning— _nothing_. Then he thought he would hear from him after lunch— _nothing_. By the time late afternoon rolled into evening, Jensen knew something had kept Jared calling, even from coming over. He didn't get worried until way into the night when he was flipping through channels and he was falling asleep on the futon couch.

Then he really felt concern overwhelm him when he heard the tell-tale _clap-clap_ of nailbeds on the hardwood flooring and saw Cousteau bounding over to him like an excitable child seeing his parent.

“ _What_ —? I'm not...” Jensen glanced up to see one of his female roommates—Nina or Lena... something like that. “What's _he_ doing here?”

“Sorry. They dropped him off early this morning. Shelly and I have had him most of the day. He's such a good damn dog! Are you sure he's not been professionally trained?”

Jensen hugged Steau to his chest, scratching over the soft fur. “Yes. You don't train puppies until they're a certain age. I think it's just the way Cousteau is... so, you said 'they'... I'm assuming you saw who the 'they' were?”

“Uh, yeah... uhm, handsome rich dudes, man. Both of 'em looked like Abercrombie & Fitch models. Blond one was kind of an asshat, but the other one... was really sweet—though...”

“What?”

“... he looked like he'd been rolled over by a bulldozer. Dude could've just finished crying. I don't know.” Lida pointed over to the second floor kitchen. “He said he'd leave you a note to explain the situation. Didn't tell me where he would put it.” She left the leash on the hook by the door. “Anytime you need a dog-sitter—just come knock on our doors.”

“uh, will do.” Jensen didn't even want to chance getting her name wrong. He waited until he could hear her open the first floor's door before he turned down the television and got off the couch. He simply carried Steau with him. It was the closest he had been to Jared in two days.

When he strolled into the kitchen, his eyes swept the area and didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Nothing with his name on it. He walked around the kitchen, circling the middle island, until he gave up and sat on a stool. He put Steau down on the counter, watching him sit patiently and wait on Jensen. Jensen bent his left elbow and rested his chin on the hand. Steau leaned into him, scanning the room and the rest of the kitchen, like he was investigating as well. Jensen smirked and rubbed at Steau's head, playing with the lame ear's triangular shape. Steau stretched his body out, paws pushing the morning paper and the mail across the counter. Some items fell off the end and Jensen got off the stool to pick up the envelopes from the floor.

That was when he spotted _it_... the greeting card envelope that didn't look like mail. And it _wasn't_. Though it was for Jensen. He quickly took the other stool, opening the flap and pulling out the folded paper inside. Strange... this was a _note_... or more like a letter. Jensen felt his heart warm at the idea of Jared toiling for hours over this thing—unsure that an email, a text or a phone call would do what he wanted to speak... what he needed to say to convey his feelings.

As Jensen unfolded the paper and smoothed out the crease on the counter, Jensen's eyes started from the top...

~~&&~~

 **_Dear Jen,_ **

~~&&~~

This was a good sign. Jensen was optimistic.

~~&&~~

 **_I'm writing this to you because I don't know how else to convey my feelings. I think you know me well enough to realize I say too much or I say the wrong thing. Or maybe I'll just say nothing and you'd hate me anyway. So here it is..._ **

**_I love you._ **

**_I don't know when it happened, but I know it was prior to our weekend in Vegas. I was falling at that point and then you pushed me over the edge during those two days—two of the most perfect days of my life. Ever._ **

**_And now I need to speak the truth, be as honest with you as you've always been with me. I came to you that night, before your dinner with Sophia, because I had this big plan in my head to confess everything and lay my heart at your feet. I wanted you not to go because I couldn't take the chance she would beg you to stay and ask you not to let her go. But I fought within myself because how are you and I to move on, if you aren't allowed to end a previous relationship? I know that I was wrong and I'm sorry._ **

**_My other confession is this... we didn't meet by accident. Well, we did, but meeting you at the gym was not part of my “plan”. I was intending to learn enough about you to catch you at your weakest point and befriend you. Instead, it happened the other way around. I didn't know you at all and I made a cold assumption of you because you were seeing my ex-girlfriend, Sophia. It didn't take long for me to learn that nothing would ever be as it seemed. Not you. Not Sophia. And not even what you two had together. I should've walked away then, but I didn't._ **

**_I stayed because of you. Because you gave me something I never thought I'd need... a friend. A friend who I could identify with and who would help me to come to an understanding about myself. I think I've spent years hating who I am and in a single week, you taught me I'm not as bad as I once thought._ **

**_Reading this—alone... you're probably upset with me and that's fine. I think I'm prepared for that. But if you still find you care enough about me, I'm willing to remain friends. If not, then I understand that too. I'm willing to put myself into your hands._ **

**_I know this seems out of the ordinary—a letter, from me. But I'm writing this as my time is not my own. We've gotten bad news that Milo is worse. Chad is having him airlifted to another hospital on the East Coast, where they specialize in his type of head trauma. I'm flying out with Chad, on his family's jet, today and... I need you to watch Cousteau for me._ **

**_If that's all you can do for me, I'm happy. Just know I won't ever forget you, our time together and what you've taught me. I will always care for you, deeply._ **

**_Be well, stay sane and let yourself love someone good and decent._ **

**_Yours always,_ **

**_Jared_ **

~~&&~~

Jensen could only push the letter away and face-plant on his arms folded on the counter. Over time, Steau made his way over, creeping along as he licked at Jensen's skin and as Jensen turned his face... Steau took care of the falling tears as well.

There was one last thing Jensen hadn't read in Jared' letter—the “ **p.s.** ”...

~~&&~~

 **_p.s. I've been able to locate your day planner—don't ask. It's back at Milo's old apartment. You know where the key is, so whenever you want to pick it up, let yourself in and you can get on with the rest of your life..._ **

~~&&~~

~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~

 **Saturday...**

Three days later, an exhausted Jared opened his apartment door and threw his bag down on the floor. All he wanted was a beer, to undress out of his suit and crash onto his bed. On his way back from the fridge, he noticed Jensen's crammed, over-stuffed planner was still sitting there.

 _Shit!_ Jared took that as a sign he had pretty much thrown away the best thing to happen to him in years. It was fine. He knew this might happen; he knew everything had been his fault. He deserved this outcome. He would have to be okay with this... he would just have to be...

He put down his beer, yanking his tie askew as he undid the top two buttons of his shirt. He was about to swipe his beer bottle when he looked up and caught sight of Jensen in the middle of the apartment. Jared stared, unable to speak. Jensen looked as if he'd just crawled out of bed. Cousteau scampered out from the back bedroom, bounding into the living room to make his way toward Jared's legs.

“Hey, champ!” Jared squatted to pick up Steau. “My flight landed 'bout an hour ago.”

“Did Chad come back too?”

“No. He stayed. He'll be staying for a while.”

“Uhm...” Jensen took a hard swallow, gesturing to Jared's suit and tie. “... why exactly are you wearing what you're wearing?”

“Oh, uhm... Milo asked Chad to make him an honest man.”

“So he's fine?”

“Yup. Better than we could've hoped. Slower, more cautious, but...” Jared realized what Jensen had thought. “Oh... god, no... a small ceremony, tha's all... not a funeral...” He cleared his throat. “Chad really... he impressed me beyond belief and he...” He let a broad smile leak out as he hid half of his face behind Steau's small body. “I couldn't be leaving Milo in more capable hands.”

“Does this mean he's retiring, for good?”

“For good.” Jared nodded on a solid bounce. “Chad's got a job set up for him when he comes back home, fully recovered. They'll stay out there until Milo's rehabilitation, then they'll be returning.”

“So... what does this mean for Jared Padalecki?”

“Who knows.” Jared set Steau on the floor, taking off his jacket and moving to lean back on a stool, feet spread apart. “I'll still keep an eye on this place and Chad's house as it goes through renovations. I don't know. I have some money saved up. Thinking about going back to school, completing my degree or... take a year off and go find myself...” He took a swig of beer.

“Don't.” Jensen shook his head, looking down at the tips of his bare feet.

“huh?” Jared thought he heard Jensen mumble something.

Jensen cleared his throat. “Don't go.”

“oh-kay... _why_?”

“Because...” Jensen approached Jared at the counter, reaching for his day planner. “... how am I supposed to get on with the rest of my life... if I can't find you?”

Jared gulped, watching Jensen's hand on the leather cover. “You got my letter...”

“I love my letter.” Jensen reached out to touch Jared's cheek. “I love you more for writing that letter.”

“ _Good god...”_ Jared leaned into the palm of the hand caressing him. He closed his eyes in sweet misery. _“_ I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing or making the stupidest mistake of my life.” Jared opened his eyes to find Jensen smiling quite happily at him. He tiled his head in a peculiar manner.

“I knew who you were before I read the confession in the letter.” Jensen looked over Jared's face, taking in every single features, not realizing how much he could miss someone so badly. He let his thumb trace over the bottom lip. “Sophia finally used your name. Don't worry... she has no idea we're even talking. She'll never know until we _want_ her to know.”

“How did she take it?” Jared found he actually cared about how Sophia took the break-up.

“Very well. She's already into someone new.” Jensen nodded his head at Jared's raised eyebrows. “I panicked for nothing. Some old professor type guy. She appears to be in love and he likes her... so who knows.”

“... so, you're single?” Jared lifted one side of his mouth in a smirk.

“It would seem so.” Jensen sighed, leaning a little toward Jared.

“I, uh... don't quite know what to do next.” Jared wasn't lying: he didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do with his hands... he didn't even know what to do with Jensen. “I'm too used to seducing women, but never after a confession of love.”

“Well, then...” Jensen opened his mouth to say something dirty or perverted, but then shut his mouth as he was too damn curious about something. And it had been plaguing him since Wednesday. “Let me just—I wanted to know, did you open this book at all?” Jensen tenderly pat down on the cover of his day planner.

“No.” Jared shook his head, frowning a little as he thought Jensen had found something missing “I was tempted to, but no.”

“Where was it?”

“The gallery. They found it and gave it to me to take it to you.”

Jensen felt his throat constrict. “You went?”

“Yup.”

“That night?” Jensen looked at Jared from the side of his eyes as he tried to stare ahead.

“Yeah...”

“Jesus...” Jensen opened the cover of the day planner, turned a few pages and then started to pull something out of a plastic page. “This is gonna seem peculiar—maybe even creepy... and there's an even weirder story I'll tell you later... here...” He handed Jared over a digital color photograph he'd taken recently.

Jared set the picture down on the counter to look at it. “... that's me... an' Cousteau... that was the day of the flea market, when Chad had us trying to pick up girls with those puppies...”

“I was taking my normal shots of downtown for the city and—this was before Sophia found me—I saw you with this adorable puppy and... I got lost in you, safe behind my lens...”

“So...” Jared glanced at Jensen, a grin eeking out in slight sentimentality of what this actually meant. “... you kind of knew me before the gym too?” Seemed they both had been keeping secrets from each other.

“I need to know...” Jensen turned to lean his left elbow on the counter island, facing Jared. “... were you at Ba-chi's that day, and then you bolted?”

“Yes...” Jared nodded, then shook his head at his own foolishness. “... that was me, being a lovesick fool.”

“ _mmm..._ I thought I had imagined you. I still had your pics on my camera, scrolling through them to see which ones I liked...” Jensen held up the one he had kept.

“I'm not sure what this all means.” Jared took a few seconds to think and couldn't help frowning with some worry.

“I don't either, but I'm gonna stop questioning and enjoy what I'm being offered.” Jensen held out his hand for Jared to take, he was slowly making his way across the flooring.

“You can't sleep, can you?” Jared let himself be tugged off the stool, then dragged across the floor toward his bedroom. “Not without me?”

“I've slept enough. In your bed. That seems to work a little.” Once he had Jared in the bedroom, he made sure to shut the door on a solid latching. Then turned to lean back on the paneling, arms crossed at his back. “I was ready for you to come home. I didn't want to wait for you to come to me, so I made it easier and came to you.”

“I like it...” Jared approached Jensen against the door, splaying his hands above Jensen's head on the door. “... the feeling of knowing you're here waiting for me to come home.” He narrowed his eyes on the clothing Jensen was wearing, understanding that everything Jensen wore was from his own dresser. Jared swallowed hard to comprehend what this meant... what Jensen was telling him.

“We need our own place.” Jensen slowly slid the suit jacket off Jared's shoulders.

“We do, but for now...”Jared flicked one finger under the hem of the tank-t, wanting to pull the whole material off Jensen's body. “... I'll think we're fine how we are. We've made it work this long.”

“Steau needs a good, sturdy home.” Jensen was working on pulling the tie apart, then off. He threw it away in the distance.

“Oh? We'll buy our home solely for our dog...” Jared worked at untucking his shirt hem while Jensen started to finishing undoing the buttons. “... is that what you're saying?”

“I don't know.” Jensen shook his head, taking a long, hard swallow as his hands started to shake with the idea that Jared was truly—and really—here. “... I'm new to this whole 'building a future' thing. I've never planned ahead before.” He couldn't lift his head from the level of Jared's chest.

“... I wanna take a shower, but...” Jared planted his left hand back above Jensen's head on the door, bringing up a lone finger, curled at the knuckle to scrape up and down Jensen's flushed cheek. “—I don't want to miss out on another minute with you...” He dipped in close to Jensen's lips but not kissing him quite yet.

“We can shower together.” Jensen lifted his right arm to hook around Jared's forearm. He leaned into the strength of that limb. “I don't mind.” He found that he didn't mind a whole lot, except that Jared was here... with him—always.

“I do.” Jared leaned his forehead on Jensen's, his eyes on those full lips, parted open for him to kiss. “I don't wanna leave this bedroom—or our bed... not right now.”

“We won't.” Jensen shook his head, then lifted up his left hand to touch Jared's chest, feeling the skin flutter, the heart race fast. “Whatever you want, I'll do. Whatever you need, I'll be.”

“... I want to continue what we started in Vegas...” Jared let his nose tip brush alone Jensen's nose... his lips were in close proximity of Jensen's lips, but he didn't kiss... nor did Jensen try to kiss him. “I wanna take it one step further...”

“Sex?” Jensen exhaled out on a nervous gulp, then a slow roll to an eventual nod when he saw the pleasure in Jared's eyes light up his whole face.

“Maybe, but only if I have your full cooperation.” Jared closed his eyes, slowly walking his body up to align with Jensen's, like he would lay him flat to the paneling. “I don't want to force you into a corner.”

“No, no... I think I'm ready.” Jensen dropped his arms and reached out to touch Jared's torso, sliding his hand within the folds of the button-down shirt he hadn't taken off yet. “I think I wanted to in Vegas, but... I didn't want you to think I was that easy.” He tilted his head back on the door, offering out his neck.

“I think this'll be better.” Jared leaned forward and took that offering, sliding his lips along the exposed slope of shoulder to lay his cheek down and inhale and exhale to calm. “All those secrets we were keeping... would've made for an even more awkward reunion.”

“You're right. I would've felt more... I don't know... I can't say I could ever hate or be angry with you because I was feeling more of that toward myself.” Jensen turned his head back to lay against the dark brown hair. “It broke my heart to know you would put yourself out there, like that—knowing how you are... simply to get the woman you thought you loved back...”

“It feels silly now.” Jared chuckled at his own foolish heart. “She was over me, I think.”

“She still loves you, that I'm sure of.” Jensen didn't like how hard Jared was on himself. His arms went to secure about Jared in a simple embrace.

“I know, but it's not what I need now.” Jared slid his face back up to hit against Jensen's face, causing him to turn for a brief time, then when they were face to face in this single moment... green eyes locking on hazel... he spoke a simple truth... “I need to be loved for who I am... for myself... for Jared...”

“ _hmm..._ I think I might be able to do something about that for you...” Jensen brought his hands out then moved them up to surround Jared's face. He leaned forward, planting his mouth solidly against Jared's lips.

It was supposed to be a mere kiss, but turned into something ferocious and a little violent. Jensen pulling at Jared's clothes and Jared keeping his hands on the door to hold up Jensen as he smooshed him to the paneling. They worked him out of his long sleeves, taking the button-down shirt off to fall to the floor in a growing pile of clothing. Then Jensen worked on the leather belt and zipper while Jared took off his tank-t from the back collar. Soon he was only standing there in his white boxer briefs and socks and loafers. Jensen smirked as he back-walked Jared toward his bed—what would now be _their_ bed.

Jared didn't mind the walking backward thing as Jensen pretty much undressed along the way. Jared plopped down on the mattress, ready to bend over and slip off socks and shoes. Jensen swatted his hands away squatting to take care of the task himself. Both of them still had on underwear, as Jensen moved to straddle Jared's lap. Jared lay back with the widest grin on his face, arms raised above his head as Jensen kept his hands on the forearms to pin the limbs to the bed. He started from the top of Jared's head, touching and kissing... biting and licking his way down until he had Jared lift off the mattress so he could work the elastic waistline down his lower body. Jared was now completely naked and laying back on the bed, fully erect.

Jensen went back to straddling Jared's lap and holding him down to the bed, with a bit of wild desire in his gaze. He looked down at Jared and sighed, caressing his face and brushing fingers over his lips, then gave a single nod of his head. Jared took that at his signal that Jensen was more than ready. Jared rolled them over and both of them climbed up the bed to at least lay fully on the mattress, not caring if they were closer to the headboard or the end of the bed—they simply didn't want to fall off. Jared lowered the underwear off Jensen hips, kissing along the way as the material slid further and further down, until it was past his ankles and feet, sailing through the air to land on the floor. Jared returned to fit himself between Jensen's spread thighs, finding he fit near-perfect. Jensen lifted his legs to hook high on Jared's hips, then lock about the backs of his thighs. Jensen arced a bit when he felt the slip-slide of Jared's cock underneath him, centering right along his crack.

“ _... yes..._ ” Jensen pushed at Jared, knowing that there was a certain ending to this he wasn't looking forward to... he just had to get beyond his fears.

“... we don't have to... not if you—”

“I want to...” Jensen turned his face away even though Jared wanted to kiss him, instead he got Jensen's neck. “I need to... I have to...”

“ _hey-hey-hey_...” Jared haloed his arms around Jensen's head on the mattress, nudging him to move his head toward him so their eyes could connect. “Jen...” When he finally was able to get Jensen to situate his head, he smiled down at him. “... it's just me... I'm not... I'll try not to hurt you... but...”

“I know... jus' kiss me... kiss me...” Jensen under gripped his arms around Jared's torso to pull him close, then closer still when he lifted his bottom off the bed as he raised his legs.

Jared did as he was asked, but he didn't kiss too rough, it was tender and lovingly... exactly what Jensen didn't need, because it gave this moment a whole new meaning where it would start to show them how the rest of their life would be together. They had to cross these situations in order to be more intimate and loving. “I'm not gonna force you to have sex with me... no matter how hard I get, Jen...”

“ _... 'm sorry..._ ” Jensen didn't know why he was getting so overly emotional and invested in something so ridiculously stupid—even for himself. “ _... 'm so-so sorry..._ ”

Jared tried to wipe away those small tears falling, but they went by too fast for him to catch up. “If all I was here for was sex... I would have been long gone...”

Jensen nodded his head, just wanting to hide his face away beside Jared's face and neck. “I love you...” His voice warbled on the shakiness of his overwrought emotions.

“I know... you don't have to keep telling me that... it's really okay...” Jared brought them both, wrapped about one another, up to the pillow, one single pillow to share together. Jensen wanted to lay lower, shamefully hide his face away as he collected his feelings and calmed himself down. “This is a bit too much for me too, but then I've had my mind on other things... while you've been here, waiting on me... I bet my shower's seen some action...”

Jensen snorted a laugh against Jared's chest. He lifted his head to lay facing Jared on the pillow. “... the shower... and this bed...” He lifted an eyebrow to show off his prowess.

Jared was impressed. “The bed too? I hope you changed the sheets.”

Jensen softly punched Jared, who pretended to be hurt and rubbed the sore biceps. Jensen rose to his elbow, looking down at Jared's face, reaching out to pet his hair... forgetting how silky and soft it felt in his hands, against his skin. It suddenly became about the little things mattering more that struck him in the gut.

Jared rolled his head around on the pillow. “Maybe we're going about this all wrong.”

“How so?” Jensen leaned down to kiss a spot on Jared's shoulder joint.

Jared rolled onto his back, bringing Jensen with him... on top of him.

Right away Jensen knew what Jared was willing to do for their first time. “no... come on...... no, Jared... no...”

“Hey...” Jared yanked on Jensen's arm. “If you can't move past this point... and you want us to have sex... then I guess it's gonna be me...”

Jensen shook his head then felt Jared grab for his chin to steady his head. “I can't let you do that for me. It was always gonna be me first.”

“Says who...?” Jared doubted they were really going to argue about who would be top and who would be bottom—as long as they had a first time. “... and well, maybe I'll just show you how _not_ scary this whole thing is. You know how I can get. You know I wouldn't do this on a whim—just because. Maye it is something I've actually thought about.”

Jensen moved his body so that he settled between Jared's legs. “You _really_ wanna do this?'

“Yes...” Jared nodded his head, no doubts in his mind this would be a good experience for him—even if he did hold the same kind of fears. Mostly it was being a disappointment. “I really do.”

“Well... if you do... I'm not doing it without lube.”

“Fine.'

“Fine.

“Good.”

“Great.”

They both started laughing because it seemed like they were fighting or arguing about something really silly and idiotic. Jared was already stretching across the mattress to the low night stand and opened a drawer. He threw Jensen the tube, then went back to laying in the center of the bed, spreading his legs wide.

Jensen looked down at the tube in his hand, then made a decision of his own, especially when he saw how calm and cool Jared was about the whole thing. It made Jensen wonder why he was making this such a huge deal. “... I'm gonna do it...”

“Jen, no...”

Jensen placed a finger on Jared's mouth to hush him. “I'm making the choice myself and I'll be the one in control.”

Jared actually smirked up at Jensen. “ah, bottoming from the top, are we?”

Jensen nodded his head, a little bit embarrassed. But as Jared brought his legs together and Jensen straddled his hips and sat astride, he poured out the lube to coat two fingers. He reached behind him to cover the opening of the rectum, then slipped inside with a little of the excess. “ _—unghh..._ ” It did feel weird, but somewhat pleasurable. He dropped a dollop on his palm, then moved back to gently stroke Jared, who watched Jensen from above as he reached out to grab onto the thick thighs at his sides, then the entirety of his legs. Jensen threw the lube off to the side, in case they'd need it later, but leaned forward to merged his brow with Jared's. As he dipped in to steal Jared's next breath and take a few kisses of his own... he lowered his body in a gradual drop against Jared's pelvis.

Both of them cried out: Jared for the ultimate tight grip around his length, and Jensen for feeling like his anal walls widened with the girth entering him, sliding along the canal to hit some very sensitive spots inside.

“ _... oh, god..._ ” Jensen kept his body still, letting his body become familiar with the feel of Jared inside. It hurt, but it also feel so god-damn good. He rose up a little to look down at Jared, who simply caught his gaze with the same kind of emotions coursing through him.

“—this is... _gah_...” Jared arced a little, throwing his head back on the pillow because he'd never felt such a more pleasurable suction along his cock. Not even from his own hand. He opened his eyes and reached up to Planting his hands on the headboard. “ _... ride me..._ ”

It was the same suggestions Jared had made to Jensen when they had first made out. Jensen thought it a rather nostalgic sweetness to bring out. “... I'm way ahead of you...” Not only did Jensen stand upright and slow ride Jared, he leaned backward a bit and gave Jared quite a view of himself as he added a bit of depth to the powerful thrusting that was going on between their joined bodies. Jensen was begging to feel his body's response way-too soon, like he'd erupt in several spasms of pleasure. So he slowed down a little and started to touch his body, which caused Jared to sit upright, not wanting to miss out on touching and kissing... worshiping Jensen's naked beauty as he rose above him and groaned out his ecstasy.

“ _... ssshhh... ssshhh... I've got you..._ ” Jared said to try and calm Jensen down in the minutes before his orgasm's eventual release.

“... _oh, god-ohgod-ohgod-ohgod_... Jared...” Jensen leaned heavily on Jared as those familiar arms surrounded him.

Jared watched Jensen ease backward to land on his legs, then—pulling out briefly—Jared shuffled to his knees, fitting back between Jensen spread thighs, slowly inserting his length inside. Jensen arced and cried out on the fullness again, reaching out for Jared's hands. On spread knees and plowing into Jensen, Jared looked down at Jensen... then looked at their hands and fingers entwined and locked together on the bed... it hearkened back to an almost similar image Jared had conjured up oh-so-long ago... of the male beneath him writhing in pleasure as he fucked him senseless.

Jensen squeezed his hands with Jared's, “ _... harder..._ ”

Jared was completely done in, stunned that his fantasy could have turned real. He fell forward, knees under Jensen's legs to lift him high and then he set his forearms down beside Jensen's head to thrust in until he came first or they came together...

It was the latter. Jensen coming first, but as he tightened his inner muscles, they milked Jared and he released his own orgasm, still slamming into Jensen as they both fell apart and spasmed around one another. Jared was draped all over Jensen, Jensen was spread-eagled on the bed, under Jared. They both couldn't move... they simply started to softly chuckle, which soon turned into full belly laughs as they rolled to a diagonal position on the mattress.

Jensen reached up to touch Jared's face... Jared stared at Jensen's mouth, leaning over to kiss the lips lightly, then the spot off to the side as a tease. Jared rose up slightly on an elbow.

“You good?” All he did was quirk one eyebrow up in a mild tease, but Jensen simply stared at Jared, letting his green eyes pool with tears. “ _awww_... Jen... c'mon...” He leaned in to kiss them away. “What am I gonna do with you?” Jared leaned over to hug Jensen around the head and shoulders, keeping him tucked safe and away. Jensen's tears were going to give him a complex one day—all of them shed in their bed, but Jared knew they're what Jensen needed to be half of a functioning human.

“... don' worry... these are happy tears...” Jensen used the bed and his hands to wipe away the wetness.

“Promise.” When Jensen nodded his head with a dazzling smile, Jared felt better, but then he started to think about the implications of what they had done, what they were getting into and it struck him suddenly how profound the moment had been. His arms loosely around Jensen's neck, he brought their faces together. “Stop... or you're gonna get me started.”

“I's okay... here's where you're supposed to feel safe... loved... protected... I don't mind, if you don't mind when I do it.” Jensen leaned over to lay his cheek against Jared's face. He'd never known his heart to feel so full, his body to feel so satiated. He closed his eyes and sighed because he finally knew exactly where he belonged... where his permanent home would be.

For the first time, in years, Jared understood about what it felt like to feel after having really great sex. None of that emptiness anymore, nothing but pleasure and happiness... oh, and laughter...

They lay like that for what felt like hours—it was only minutes—until Steau scratched at the door to be let in.

 **~*~the end**


End file.
